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Finally moved out

(18 Posts)
roarfeckingroar Tue 11-Oct-16 18:22:26

I've had a couple of threads on here before and received some solid advice over past two months during the protracted break up and me finally moving out on Saturday. I was the one where we never had sex anymore (his decision) despite being mid 20s with no kids/stress, he crashed my car drunk, text my dad obscenities about how awful I am (drunk again), shouted at me so many times and made lurid accusations when drunk, had said he was planning to propose then didn't, many many broken promises that just weren't necessary...

But actually we were close friends and when he wasn't drunk he was brilliant. He's a very young 25, hugely insecure and hadn't quite found his place in the world. He takes his own fears and anxieties out on me and resents me for things I have (relationship with my father, financially sorted) but doesn't know why and then regrets it, genuinely, then yhe cycle starts again. I think he doesn't understand cause and effect and having to work at things and manage your own happiness and success. I don't know.

we were together a couple of years and lived together for most of that. I know he drinks too much and has hurt me and ultimately this is a good thing but holy hell it hurts. I'm not sleeping, awful stomach pains I'm convinced are due to stress and emotional pain, I'm almost constantly breaking down in tears (quiet ones) and have no appetite. I miss him and it hurts. I know it gets better but right now I feel like I've made a huge mistake. Please hand hold?!

roarfeckingroar Tue 11-Oct-16 20:11:39

Hopeful bump

AnyFucker Tue 11-Oct-16 20:14:11

God what a car crash he sounds

How on earth did you find time to live your own life when you were managing that ?

A "young" 25 ? Give over.

roarfeckingroar Tue 11-Oct-16 20:49:20

He's just immature without much self control or life experience. He also really looked after me when I had a breakdown last year - sorry didn't mean to drip feed. It was tiring keeping up with lies/him shouting at me etc. but actually I kinda got used to it and I don't hold grudges. Christ I sound such a pushover. I miss him, I miss him being near, making up songs to wake me up in the morning, doing small sweet things to cheer me up, all the in-jokes and shared language, him waking me up with coffee every morning and making me breakfast to take to work even if he was on a late shift.

nicenewdusters Tue 11-Oct-16 21:03:33

All those things you miss you will find again... with a man who is capable of having an adult relationship with you.

You say he's "just" immature, without much self control or life experience. Just ? These qualities you could ascribe to my children, but I know they already wouldn't treat another person the way he has treated you.

You're very young. Think very hard about why you've already been in a very damaging relationship. Why did you get used to somebody lying to you and shouting at you? Did you think you could rescue him? You're worth a lot more.

SandyY2K Tue 11-Oct-16 21:06:27

Good job on moving out.
You don't need that stress in your life.

Sassypants82 Tue 11-Oct-16 21:09:04

Tell us what you don't miss.

roarfeckingroar Tue 11-Oct-16 22:02:09

I'm 28 so not really so young.

There are many things I don't miss - good advice to think of them sassy - such as him shouting at and insulting me, lying to mutual friends then telling me they all hate me, the broken promises and constantly changing parameters, the smoking and excessive drinking, the occasional homophobia...

But for a long time it wasn't like that and he's going through a few things at the moment. God it looks so bad when written down so why is it so hard?

nicenewdusters Tue 11-Oct-16 22:24:10

It does look bad written down, it looks awful, so you know you've made the right decision.

But obviously there were good parts, otherwise you'd never have got together in the first place. So of course you can miss these "bits" of him, but they're just bits. Two years isn't that long and it sounds like a lot of it was difficult and sad.

Remember the good parts, learn from the bad.

roarfeckingroar Wed 12-Oct-16 16:58:41

I just want to go home. We still have that flat.

nicenewdusters Wed 12-Oct-16 18:05:55

Home is where you should feel safe, happy and loved.

Your flat is just four walls, with an unhappy dysfunctional man who makes your life miserable. If you go back you'll have to leave again. Next time it will be worse.

SexNamesRFab Wed 12-Oct-16 22:02:47

I remember you and am glad to hear you've left. This way you'll have a few hard months, that you'll get through, then go on to be happy. If you'd stayed you'd just be yoyo-ing up and down in the same shit situation of loving him/trying to believe he's who you want him to be, then him acting like the cunt you already know he is. Stay strong and be kind to yourself flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 13-Oct-16 08:35:19

No, you don't want to go home. You want to go back to hoping that he will change. Hope is nice. Experience has taught you there is no hope here. You are grieving for the comfort of hope, grieving for the potential relationship he couldn't actually give you.

Let yourself grieve. Don't let hope triumph over experience. That will hurt you both more in the end.

Why not make a big list of all the shit things he did and stick it on the wall where you can see it?

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 13:22:04

So he has a bad drink problem and was verbally abusive not just to you but also your family, is sexually incontinent and also thinks he has a right to use you as his verbal punch bag.

Go back for what, some kind words splattered throughout what is sounding a very abusive and toxic relationship.

roarfeckingroar Sat 15-Oct-16 13:05:57

Thanks for the talking to and thanks sexnames for remembering me.

I'm coping. I've made myself ill through stress and cocked up w few times a work with my new boss who I think thinks I'm incompetent which is making me more stressed.

Another set of driends are engaged. I feel so alone.

roarfeckingroar Sat 15-Oct-16 13:15:59

I'm not afraid of being on my own, pain is cleansing and in its own way healing. I just don't want to have to do this now, nearing 30

OurBlanche Sat 15-Oct-16 13:33:38

Or... you've had your youthful indiscretions and now, whilst still only in your 20s, you are looking forward to moving into a more self aware, peaceful stage of your adulthood.

It really is all about perception... cal yourself old often enough and you will start to believe it.

Focus on your new, untrammeled, baggage free life.

roarfeckingroar Sat 15-Oct-16 13:43:54

Sage advice, Blanche.

All my friends are married or engaged or in LTRs. Once I'm through this and in a better place I can't imagine where to even meet men.

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