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DF called me fat. Again.

(47 Posts)
teenytinypontypine Tue 11-Oct-16 14:27:06

He has form for this - he is often quite bodyshaming to me and my DSis, holding us up to unrealistic ideals of thinness, making little digs about weight etc. But it is always said in quite a jokey way and if we get annoyed about it, he says he's only joking, gives a little hug, it gets glossed over. He has had significant problems with depression and low confidence/self-esteem himself and I know that I for one have definitely trodden on eggshells a little bit to avoid causing him upset. Though he doesn't extend the same courtesy to me.

He and DM have been visiting for a couple of days from the other end of the country. There have been a couple of little things, like pointing out how lovely and slim people like Kate Middleton and Posh Spice are even after having a few kids, which I know is directed at me without it having been made explicit. And this morning he looked at my belly and said "are you SURE you aren't expecting again?!" - I was on my way out to work, so I told him to bugger off but again kinda glossed over it and left. They have left to go back home now and I might not be seeing them again until Xmas.

I am so annoyed with him constantly holding us up to some ridiculous idea of femininity and beauty which involves being a stick insect. FWIW I am 5ft 5in, weigh 10st and wear a size 10-12. NOT FAT. I want so badly to absolutely blow my top with him, but worry that it will then make our relationship awkward forever. But if I try the gentle "you know you have really upset me..." chat, I worry that he knows he has some power over me and will continue to niggle at me or even ramp it up.

Ugh. Family eh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 11-Oct-16 14:30:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 11-Oct-16 14:32:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teenytinypontypine Tue 11-Oct-16 14:32:48

Sorry if not clear - DF is my dad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 11-Oct-16 14:33:16

Sorry for double post.

Kr1stina Tue 11-Oct-16 14:33:23

So he says horrible rude things to you that upset you .

When you tell him to stop he won't .

You fear that if you tell him you are upset, he'll do it more.

He's not a very nice person, is he? Why don't you see less of him, because he's not going to change ?

brightspark2 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:33:29

DF is father, not fiance.

SleepFreeZone Tue 11-Oct-16 14:33:38

I read df as Father.

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 11-Oct-16 14:34:47

? He is her father. I doubt she would be marrying him

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 11-Oct-16 14:35:02

Oh... changes everything!

Sorry OP, ignore my posts. All you can do is tell your father than you are not going to put up with his rude and insulting comments. If he won't stop then you will just ignore him completely. That's all you can do really, leave him out of EVERYTHING until he stops being an arse.

Sorry again for my earlier post.

HelenaDove Tue 11-Oct-16 14:35:29

Remind him that it may be you who chooses his nursing home!

Boogers Tue 11-Oct-16 14:35:57

I'd stick it right back at him. Is he going bald? Does he have a pauch? Has he lost some height in old age? When he calls you fatty or whatever, you shoot right back with baldy man and see how he likes it. You've tried the subtle approach, didn't work. Time to get personal.

1potato2potato3potato4 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:36:13

I think you should say something or one day you will blow your top and that will be worse.
Next time he does it, look straight at him and say something like 'Dad, I want you to stop commenting on my weight. It's rude and I don't appreciate it. I'm happy with my weight and am not going to be made to feel ashamed of myself by silly comments, even from someone I love'
If he says it was just a joke or anything but an apology, I'd respond with 'you'd do better to have a think about why it is you want to make these comments which you must know will hurt someone you presumably love?'
Or something like that. Basically just be very measured and direct.
Like you say, families eh.

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 11-Oct-16 14:36:24

I doubt darling fiancé would have come to visit from the other end of the country with darling mother

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 14:36:59

The DF in this instance is your father isn't it?.

Your relationship is already awkward and you have every right to call him on his behaviour every single time.

What does your mother say and do when he starts on at you?

Treading on eggshells is code for living in fear. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different. He having depression and low self esteem issues are not a free pass or any sort of excuse to emotionally abuse you. He is a bully, pure and simple.

I would cancel any future visits made by them. You need to urgently raise your all too low boundaries.

Boogers Tue 11-Oct-16 14:37:33

P.S. You're not fat and 'fatty' was a general reference to what people call fat people. You are not fat. You're normal. He's the one with the problem.

Lightsoffplease Tue 11-Oct-16 14:37:39

Gosh, he sounds abusive. Sorry OP. That is quite shitty. You're not fat and even if you were, he has no right whatsoever EVER to direct sexist and nasty jibes your and your dsis's way.

Arfarfanarf Tue 11-Oct-16 14:37:52

It's ok to challenge him

You keep saying hurtful things dad. Do you enjoy hurting me? Why is that? Why is the shape of my body so important to you? Your comments really make me not want to spend any time with you.

when someone is being rude and unkind, you do not have to prioritise their feelings. You just don't. You tell them how their comments feel and you tell them to stop. And if they refuse, then you tell them to sod off.

You don't have to pussyfoot around because the feelings of someone who is unkind to you are so much more important than yours. I mean, that's crackers.

And if you genuinely think that telling him he is hurting your feelings will make him want to do it even more - that's more reason to tell him to not bother coming any more. Don't you think? You are saying you think your father gets a kick out of upsetting you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 11-Oct-16 14:38:03

I've asked MNHQ to remove my first two posts OP, so sorry.

teenytinypontypine Tue 11-Oct-16 14:40:47

Thanks for replies.

Boogers we have sort of done that before (Sis and I) and I think he sees that as being carte blanche to then continue with little digs and "jokes" as we are playing along with it.

1potato I think you are probably right. Just have to measure how to do it without causing upset. His mental health really is relatively fragile and I do worry that if he feels I am attacking him he will shut away into himself and get all awkward. Which isn't what I want. In general we get on well, it is just these ridiculous comments he keeps coming out with.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 11-Oct-16 14:43:52

Try being bright and breezy, but very firm at the same time. Look him straight in the eye and say 'please don't talk about my weight or how I look. I don't appreciate it.' Then turn on your heel and go and do something else.

It doesn't have to be nasty or attacking, or even jokey. Just firm, non-confrontational but above all consistent. Pull him up then cut him off every single time.

teenytinypontypine Tue 11-Oct-16 14:47:17

Not to worry Lying - I guess it wasn't v clear.

Arf and Attila I see what you are both saying. I think he just doesn't see it as a big deal. I don't think he thinks he is really hurting us, just giving us a bit of a jokey wind up. Sis and I are both confident, degree-educated, professional women in happy secure relationships and are both just on the slightly wobblier end of "thin" (not that it should even frigging matter). He on the other hand left school at 14 with no qualifications and has been in low-paid low-skilled jobs all his life until retiring a couple of years ago. I think some of it is sexism - he is worried that his two girls are "better" than him (or think we are) and wants to drag us back down a bit. Which is a horrible thing to think.

Arfarfanarf Tue 11-Oct-16 14:54:52

Well then if that's the case, telling him honestly how you feel will make him stop, right?

Because he won't want to carry on once you tell him that he is hurting you. Will he?

What kind of parent doesn't want their children to do better than them? Surely that's every parent's aim? I hope that's not his view because that's fucked up. I'd be delighted if my children outdid me in every way. I want them to have every chance and success in life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 15:00:19

He's a bully and I would tell him he is no longer welcome to visit. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are no different.

You have every right to say no more to all this from him; so what if he gets offended and walks out?. He has given your feelings no consideration whatsoever and he is treating you abusively.

I guess your mother sits there and says nothing when he starts on you; has he talked the same to her over the years as well?. He has a lot of power and control over you all still.

What does your DH think, presumably he has heard this uttered by FIL as well?

TheNaze73 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:14:08

He's a bully. If you start getting what he would perceive as arsey with him, it would only encourage it.

Vote with your feet for a while

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