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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex and csa

19 replies

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 13:10

Hi all,
I am after some advice. I have a 9 year old son. I am separated from his father and we haven't had any contact for over 8 years. It was an abusive relationship and so I am glad to have him out of my life.

The only input he has had over the past 8 years has been paying child support through the csa. This was all organised by them - taking the money straight from his benefits and putting it into my account.

The csa has now all changed and I have recieved a letter from the child maintenance service to say he wants to make payments to my son. He has stated he wants to make direct payments which means we have to agree between us how these payments are going to be made. When I queried this with child maintenance as neither of us have any contact details of the other they said they will give him my bank details so he can pay directly into that.

I am not sure how comfortable I feel with that. Would he be able to do anything with my bank details? Could he trace me?

Any advice???

OP posts:

Report

SheldonsSpot · 11/10/2016 13:12

I just googled my bank and sort code number and it brought up the town I live in straight away.

So yes he'd be able to find out which town your bank is in.

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 13:27

Thanks for that. I am torn on what to do. I have always believed that he should make payments to his son but I don't want to risk him reappearing. Also if I tell the child maintenance service I don't want the money, if he ever meets his son, he will use it as another excuse to say I cut him out of his sons life. Ugh this is such a mess!!

OP posts:

NNChangeAgain · 11/10/2016 13:31

If there is evidence of abuse, then you can insist that the payment is made via the agency.

It is not designed to put you at risk, but to reduce the number of claims that are processed through the agency when there is no reason for the NRP not to pay direct.

Give the local CAB a ring and find out what your options are.

ThatStewie · 11/10/2016 13:32

Tell the CMA that you have no intention of changing the way in which you receive maintenance because of his history of DV. Then go straight to your MP and have them chase it up with the CMA. It's worth taking an advocate (friend/relative/partner) with you to see your MP so that they can be very clear that this is about your ex accessing your address and is a way of continuing the abuse. Your local Women's Aid or CAB will also be able to help you make it clear that anything other than continuing the present system puts you and your son at risk.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 11/10/2016 13:37

You could open another account based elsewhere solely for the purposes of him paying the maintenance into. Might be worth a look at say an online account since the sort code is unlikely to link to your location.

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 13:41

Thanks everyone, I know it's stupid but this has got me in such a state. I haven't been able to sleep since I got the letter cos I am afraid he will turn up and try to take my son. My anxiety levels are awful. I hate that he still has this hold over me.

OP posts:

category12 · 11/10/2016 13:45

I think it's worth going back to them and explaining the potential danger, and to ensure they manage your personal data appropriately.

But an online account is easy to open and manage if they're difficult.

OurBlanche · 11/10/2016 13:54

In the most direct terms possible:

You are being silly
He can say what he wants, you can say no!
He really isn't the boss of you, or the CSA.
Start singing "Let it go, let it go... bastard can't bother me in any way"

Practically, contact CAB or similar and ask how best to phrase your response to CSA. As other have said, this is just a paperwork exercise on their behalf that he has ticked a box on. Untick it, right back

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 14:06

Thanks, you are all helping. I know I am being silly and I hate that he still has this hold over me. Part of me thinks I would be better if I did contact him, get it over with cos this waiting for him to reappear is driving me mad

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 11/10/2016 14:09

No, don't do that! That would beyond having a silly moment due to stress. That would be catastrophising!

Just tell the CSA no, the history of DV makes him having any direct contact impossible. They will just carry on as they are!

But you do sound as though you dwell on him a bit/lot more than is healthy. Do you work? Have friends/family to fill up your life? Or have you hidden, to avoid him?

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 14:20

I have a loving husband and 3 children as well as extended family so I have tried to move on but thinking about him and worrying does take up a lot of my life. In the interest of full disclosure I have borderline personality disorder which means often my thoughts run away with me and I get overwhelmed.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 11/10/2016 16:00

Ah! I can see how/why this has wormed its way into your brain.

Will it stop wriggling once you have told CSA not to change the current payment method, do you think?

And I know you will have been asked this/thought of it for yourself, but have you talked to anyone about this as a specific issue? I have a friend who has similar issues and she has kept her thoughts about her ex firmly shut away. Her counsellor was amazed when she started talking about him, mainly as she had never mentioned him in 4 years of on/off counselling sessions. Yet he is her main source of anxiety!

JoMalones · 11/10/2016 16:03

CMS won't move to collect and pay, even with domestic violence. They suggest opening a non geographical account so that you can't be traced to your local branch

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 17:02

Ourblanche you are right, I have never spoken to anyone specifically about my ex, I have tried to keep it hidden away and just move on. I will try to think about whether I can open up to my psychiatrist.

I think I am just going to tell cma I don't want the money. It's the easiest solution.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 11/10/2016 17:08

Why is that easiest? Long term would it be better for YOU (no one else, just you) to face this fear and get it sorted?

All you have to do is say no, I do not want to change the payment method. Then nothing will happen, nothing will change.

Saying "No, tell him not to bother paying any more" is giving in to your own fears. And will do nothing to stop him form doing this: "he will turn up and try to take my son" or any other action you currently fear.

You know that whatever you do you will still fear some action of his that you have imagined, that he has not threatened - he can't if he has no contact. You know it is all in you... your psychiatrist would be only too happy to explore this with you, you know that!

Do you think you could meet this head on now, get it squared away in your own head?

Knowing the convoluted hell my friend is putting herself through I hope you can!

CleverQuacks · 11/10/2016 17:14

You are right, it is all about my own fears and insecurities. He hasn't been in contact for 8 years and other than this with child support there has been no sign of him getting into contact. I just can't shake the fear.

I will ask the cms if we can keep it the same. If they can we will leave it like that but if not I will just say no to the money. It's a pittance anyway, it has never been about the money, more the principle

OP posts:

category12 · 11/10/2016 18:02

Just open an online account with a different bank to your normal one 'specially for it, CleverQuacks - if you don't actually need it currently you can just let it build up as an extra savings account for your child. There's no reason he will be able to track you through an online one. Can go towards a big school trip or uni or a car or whatever.

smilingeyes11 · 11/10/2016 18:28

no you must not tell them you don't want the money! It is well known to them that disclosing a sort code can advise a man like this where you live. Just tell them you are not changing the way you are paid due to DV and leave it at that. End of. No is a complete sentence.

smilingeyes79 · 11/10/2016 19:41

Open a bank account online or go into your bank open a basic account and ask for a non geographical sort code ... use that purely for maintenance.
CMS will not enforce 20% extra charge on him or 4% on you when he has offered abd is able to make direct payments. If the payments aren't made regularly then go back to CMS for collect and pay service.
If DV has been reported CMS can waive application few only

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