Name changed because I feel ashamed as MN's shared wisdom saved me from a very damaging, abusive relationship four years ago and here I am back wondering where to draw lines and whether or not I'm seeing red flags
It's been overy two years since I finally got the courage to divorce (he was manipulative and used infidelity twice as punishment, rarely violent but consistently passive aggressive, dishonest about money and very narcissistic, isolated me from friends and family, etc.).
As punishment for leaving he went back on all financial agreements and left me in a lot of debt. I'm seeing that as the price of freedom as he'd have dragged me through the courts for years enjoying every minute and I didn't want DS to go through that. A very wise solicitor who saw through the manipulation straight away advised me to get out as fast as I could. So I did. It nearly killed my physically but it was the best decision ever.
Six months later I met my current BF. It may sound too soon, but the marriage had been finished years before the divorce, I was just trying to survive it and will be forever grateful to MN for helping me get out. But then maybe it was too soon given the aftershock and that's why I'm here. ExH recently messed me about again in terms of custody (never sticks to anything legal, but in a PA way that makes me feel guilty if I don't help him "for DS's sake"). So I've been feeling very low in the last two weeks, thinking he'll never stop. His GF recently left, I think that's why he's been trying it on more. Even came on to me a bit but that fell flat, so I reckon he's back punishing me now (through DS).
So I'm back here because I'm worried that my current BF isn't helping as much as I thought. Maybe when you feel at the end of your tether, things become clearer sometimes, I don't know. I doubt myself so much.
He's been ultra protective and saw through my ExH immediately. We were both very attracted to each other and it was wonderful at first, he was everything my ex wasn't: reliable, honest, straightforward, encouraging, supportive, helpful. I did notice he seemed to be cold to absolutely everyone outside a very small circle (me and a couple of people he calls friends but seemed to judge quite harshly, so me basically). I put it down to a serious car accident he'd had before meeting me and that cut him off from people, but I did have a nagging doubt that he was kind of harsh with people in general. But he was so good to me I ignored that. We did all the things I'd missed with my ex and he made me feel attractive...Above all, he understood that I didn't want to introduce him to my DS at first and respected that one hundred percent. He did eventually meet him and is distantly nice to him. We don't live together. He would have after the first four months but my ex was a fast worker too and I think that's one lesson I have learned at least.
Recently I've noticed how deflated I feel around him. The only subject that we seem to agree on is that my exH is out of order on the shared custody front. Any other subject I try to raise he answers with a yes or no and is generally dour. He grabbed my phone out of my hand yesterday and threw it to the side because he wanted my full attention (to just sit there not talking, pestering me for sex). I've noticed I'm careful to deal with all texts when he's not around to avoid angering him. He seems to dislike me having close, healthy relationships with my DB and DS and friends. Having taken ages to get those back after being isolated by my ex, I'm not willing to let them go, but I do have to watch when I contact them, which is not good I know. And I don't even spend much time on the phone.
Really the issue is that I'm terrified that I might be missing red flags and that I'm back in a relationship where I'm in a fog. He does loads of little DIY jobs for me that my ex never would do (or would half do, making things worse, and refuse to pay for anything..pure PA stuff) and is as supportive as ever if I ask for it. He doesn't manipulate me other than to go in a huff if I'm not in the mood for sex, which isn't great but he has never said anything nasty to me. Does feeling uneasy a lot of the time count as a deal breaker?
I read on another thread this morning that you don't have to justify being unhappy, that's all you need to know, or something like that. It made me cry.
Don't know what I'm asking here, maybe just for support. EA has messed up my sense of right and wrong and my parents are lovely but not a great template (DM puts up with a lot of bullying in exchange for security and I'm thinking that's what I'm doing, just in a different way as I'm not financially dependent on him).
I am getting therapy if anyone asks.
Sorry that was a bit long It's good to write it down at least.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Frying pan to fire?
mysinkingheart · 11/10/2016 11:06
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