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Double standards over silly things

(32 Posts)
newusernametoday Tue 11-Oct-16 10:27:57

I have noticed this a lot with my DP. One rule for him, one for anyone else.

We eat breakfast together. He stands preparing his breakfast in the way of the kettle, the fridge or anywhere else I would like to get to to prepare mine. So I wait for him to finish, then prepare mine.

If, however, I end up in the same spot first preparing mine, he is constantly saying "excuse me" whilst gently pushing me out of the way. He can't wait. I have to move out of his way.

I pointed this out this morning and he said "but I can't get to anything because you're in the way". I pointed out he stands in exactly the same place every single morning and that I simply wait for him to finish.

He then sulks throughout breakfast because I have dared to ask him to have some manners and treat me as I treat him.

Not a big deal is it?

Same with the TV, he channel hops constantly, puts what he wants on and I fit in, I don't care that much. However, if I pick up the remote and put something on I want to watch without asking him, I am accused of being selfish.

He corrected me in front of a friend at the weekend that "my" car is not "my" car, but "our" car (he paid half but the paperwork is in my name). His work truck, however, which is owned by his company is always referred to as "his" truck, never the "work truck" or "company name truck". He also has a car of his own too which I would never refer to as "our" car.

RawPrawn Tue 11-Oct-16 10:33:23

It's a mystery. It's almost as though your partner is a selfish, childish twat who doesn't like you very much.

But that can't be right, can it? Because no sane person would put up with such shoddy treatment.

These shit men - it gets so boring after a while.

RawPrawn Tue 11-Oct-16 10:34:05

Oh - and it's not 'one rule for everyone else'. it's one rule for him, one for YOU.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 11-Oct-16 10:40:40

I've posted about my teen daughter a few times before but god love her, this drives me mad about her. It literally makes NO sense does it?
I've stopped trying to understand it. It is a massive lack of self awareness. I've tried getting angry I have tried ignoring it but nothing will change her viewpoint on it.
She is waiting for counselling. Her controlling double standards isn't something I think would be good in an adult. I wouldn't find it easy to live with a man in this situation either. I honestly don't know the answer

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 10:47:01


What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this at all?. He sees you really as a non person or at the very least someone who is not as "worthy" as he is. His behaviours are abusive in nature.

Sulking as well is never about silence; its about maintaining power and control.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 10:50:38

Sounds more like a teenager than a dh!
Why don't you take turns making both breakfasts?
And stick him a TV in the spare room!!. And a duvet.
And a pillow!!

neonrainbow Tue 11-Oct-16 11:25:40

So why don't you ask him to move if he's in your way?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 11-Oct-16 11:30:15

So he's a DP and not a DH!
Why are you with him?
What are his good qualities?
He must have some otherwise you wouldn't be there..... RIGHT!!????

Blueskyrain Tue 11-Oct-16 11:49:32

Its not necessarily double standards, but when you do something, he tells you, wheras you don't...

If he's standing in the way, then its better to tell him, than sulk about it. He probably doens't realise he's in the way any more than you do (or presumably you wouldn't be standing in the way in the first place). Your way to deal with it is to wait, his is to ask you to move. Neither are the 'right' way, they are just different.

Likewise, how will he konw that you're not actually ok with him flicking through channels, if you don't say anything. In contrast, you know that it annoys him, because he says that it does.

He doesn't sound like a teenager, or that you're a non person, or any of that sort of ridicolous projection. He just says whats on his mind, you don't. No one is being terrible here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 12:18:24

No, he is indeed acting terribly here and OP is bearing the brunt of his nastiness. Unfortunately such behaviour is truly insidious in its onset and some simply do not recognise it for the red flag that it is. This individual wants to show his woman that his needs are far more important than hers. Its one rule for him and another for OP.

He knows full well what he is doing here and is enjoying undermining her to boot.

newusernametoday Tue 11-Oct-16 12:57:29

Thanks for all the replies.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest waiting for him at breakfast time, I'd do it for anyone and it doesn't feel the slightest bit controlling. It's just common sense to chat to him or get on with something else until he has finished, if he's first at the kettle, cupboards etc rather than trying to push him out of the way. No different to trying to do anything else at the same time, it just makes sense to wait for each other. What did offend me was that he simply can't offer me the same courtesy. He is someone who is always in a rush and has the patience of a gnat, it's his personality. I am far more patient.

The TV thing is exactly the same, I just expect the same courtesy as I offer.

Actually the car conversation felt a lot more uncomfortable, because it was a deliberate put down of me within our relationship. It was in front of someone else and he was clearly stating "my place" within our relationship. He will argue that all vehicles are "ours" and that I should have expressed that to our friend. But A. He was out of order "correcting me" in front of someone else. B. If we want to be technically correct about our vehicles he needs to apply the same principles to all vehicles. It was his way of saying what's yours is ours and what's mine is mine.

And of course, he has other qualities, I think it's unlikely that anyone would choose someone who had nothing else to offer but impatience at breakfast time, with the TV remote or issues with who's belongings are jointly owned and which aren't.

He sulked because he didn't like me snapping at him. I don't like being snapped at either. Doesn't mean I'm wrong though or that I won't point it out again.

Obviously I don't wish to bore other posters on here. Just wanted to vent and a bit of feedback.

AnnettePrice Tue 11-Oct-16 13:09:21

It's simple really. The double standards are his way of showing that he thinks he is a better / more worthy person than you.
Your choice, do you agree with him and let him keep on doing it? Or not?

Costacoffeeplease Tue 11-Oct-16 13:11:36

He sounds quite unpleasant really, do you want this for the rest of your life?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 13:16:36

Why are you together?. He behaves like an immature moody manchild . Take a good look at his parents as well; this is behaviour likely modelled from one of them too.

And why is it exactly that he cannot (or will not) offer you the same courtesy?. Its because he does not value you as a person, you are a lesser being than he the Big Man.

His sulking behaviour is not a good quality in him either and that behaviour is never ever about silence. Its about control instead.

Is his lack of patience (you state he's always in a rush and has the patience of a gnat) also as apparent with other people as it is with you?. Or does he save this treatment of you for you and you alone?.

He is basically telling you in words and deeds that what is yours is yours and what is his is his including his space.

lollylou2876 Tue 11-Oct-16 13:24:25

Why can't you take turns to make each others breakfasts and then no one is in the way and your doing things together rather than like room mates who co-exist together.

It sounds like there may be a disconnect between you, that you both need to work on, as breakfast sounds like room mates and as correcting you in front of a friend is embarrassing for a minor language mistake. I think he was trying to point out his role in the shared car.

Maybe spend some fun/date time together to rebuild the relationship and intimacy.

RealityCheque Tue 11-Oct-16 13:24:38

With regard to breakfast, sorry but YOU are acting weirdly. There is nothing wrong with saying 'excuse me' - it is what normally functioning adults do. You do not have to 'patiently wait' then expect him to do the same.

tofutti Tue 11-Oct-16 13:37:55

I think you're being OTT, OP, unless there is more to this.

This isn't a colleague that you have to avoid bumping into, this is your DP. So what if you rub up against him whilst reaching for something?

If you like to be alone, then I would have just told him you want a bit of space to manoeuvre. Not sure why you had to snap at him?

Next time you want to watch something on the TV, tell him! My DH would have football on a lot, but if I tell him there's something I want to watch, he'll change the channel. And vice versa.

I think you definitely have a communication problem in your relationship.

If he thinks his car is his but yours belongs to both of you, then that is shitty. Do you drive each others cars?

newusernametoday Tue 11-Oct-16 13:54:23

Yes, we both drive each others cars, are insured on both. We do both ask to drive each others cars and to be fair, he rarely uses my car and always asks beforehand.

Forgive the minute details, but to get something out of the cupboard the other person has to put down what they are doing and move aside. If you are literally pouring out cereal and putting the packet away, surely the other person can wait rather than wanting a spoon from the drawer in front of you right that very second? I can assure you I am not cooking up an elaborate 5 course breakfast! :-)

Of course, I tell him if I want to watch something else on TV. However, if he was watching something, I would communicate this by asking him if he was watching it and is he OK if I watch such and such on the other side? I always do that, I feel that it's common courtesy. I'd do that for anyone. He, however, just flicks through channels without asking me if I am watching what's already on. I have, on occasion, flicked across the channels when he was obviously not watching to see if he would say anything and he always does.

neonrainbow Tue 11-Oct-16 14:06:39

But he paid for half the car so it is his as well. I think you're being bloody childish.

tofutti Tue 11-Oct-16 14:12:20

That does make it clearer!

It does sound as if he thinks his needs are more important.

If these are his only bad points, then I would fight with fire!

Next time he is watching TV, don't ask him, just grab the remote and change the channel. If he protests, say 'oh, I didn't think you'd mind, considering you change the channel on me all the time'.

Or next time he's in the kitchen, really push against him when you're getting a spoon or something. Be as annoying as possible. When he protests, just be all fake-innocent.

When he talks about 'his truck', say 'OUR truck'.

Maybe it's not the best advice, but it's what I'd do. grin

newusernametoday Tue 11-Oct-16 14:48:29

Neon rainbow - I take your point but he calls a vehicle he doesn't own "his". He calls the kids car "their car" when they haven't paid towards it. It doesn't matter really what we say, it's how he corrected me in public like a child.

And yes, I am tempted to be childish and "retaliate" but really I should just be able to ask him to extend the same courtesy, even if he doesn't agree with me, is it worth arguing over having to wait for 30 seconds?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 11-Oct-16 15:36:54

Yes it is worth arguing over. You aren't arguing about the 30 second wait.

You are ensuring that he does not behave as if his needs are more important than yours. You are also ensuring that you do not act as if his needs are more important than yours. Goose and gander should have same rules. Doubly true because he sulked.

It is the principle. This could become the thin end of the wedge of him being the boss of you (driven by both you and him). It already annoys you so if you let if fester it could ruin an otherwise good relationship. Nip it in the bud to save your relationship. Even if there are sulks. Especially if there are sulks.

Peach9876 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:59:29

I don't get the breakfast thing. When DP or I make breakfast (or any meal, snack, drink etc) we both ask the other if they want something too. It can be a bit of a pain if I want a bowl of cereal and he want's a smoothie, or if I just wanted a glass of water and he wants a cup of tea or something but what's a couple of minutes in the grand scheme of things?

Maybe we are just weird, but seems easier for one of us to make the other a bowl of cereal (getting out two bowls, spoons) than one of us making a bowl and the other having to wait or get underfoot to do the same.

Your situation sounds more like when DP and I were living at his dad's. We paid rent/board, but had to share a kitchen. We had our own fridge and other than him paying bills/mortgage (from our rent) we sorted everything else out as if we were on our own.
Each couple would make their own meals, rarely sharing one. So I would make DP and my meals usually after they had done, rather than being in the way. If I was doing something they would come in and do what they needed/wanted, and ask me to move/pass them something if it was quick or ask me how long I was going to be if it was a longer task. I felt they had full right to do this, it was HIS house, not mine. If I wanted more freedom I could (and eventually did) move out.

newusernametoday Tue 11-Oct-16 16:16:22

I think he used to ask me what I wanted for breakfast but sometimes I wasn't ready or hadn't decided and I simply said "sort yourself out, I'll do mine in a minute". Sometimes if you haven't looked in the cupboard, you don't know what you've got before you decide. He'd then not make me a drink or whatever because he was t having one, and I'd have to do my own anyway. So, it just seemed easier to do it ourselves.

Naicehamshop Tue 11-Oct-16 17:24:25

Good post Rabbit.

And he has absolutely no right to slap you down in public like that, op. angry

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