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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pre-nup style contract.

36 replies

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 09:41

Can I get a Pre-nup style contract if unmarried, stating I want same rights as wife if HE leaves or CHEATS on me again? I hope so because marriage is inappropriate just now for obvious reasons and this would domonstraye to me how sorry he really is.

OP posts:

Report

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 10:01

Well it would be a starting point at least for him to really demonstrate he is serious about making amends and not just going through the motions because its easier.
(Previous to his infidelity the idea would have repulsed me, but I trusted him then. I don't want to give invest more energy into this man unless I know he will do all he can.
Anyone know if this is a possible option for me?

OP posts:

SheldonsSpot · 11/10/2016 10:04

No you can't.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 10:08

Suspected that.

He owns house but a LOT of my money went into it, because we assumed we would marry, but never got round to it. I know I'm a fool.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 10:09

You cannot get a document like that.

Why are you together at all?. He is taking you for an absolute fool.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 10:12

You may ultimately walk away with nothing but your own possessions.

I would argue that he has never had any intention of marrying you.

Can you prove that some of your own money has gone into the upkeep of his home in terms of receipts?. You will likely never see that money again.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 10:14

AttilaTheMeercat, he was VERY VERY convincing that he would not have been the cheating kind and EVERYONE who knew us thought we were rock solid, he would be last person to behave this way etc, etc.

OP posts:

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 10:18

Yes I have proof in bank statements how much was from me.

OP posts:

OutsSelf · 11/10/2016 10:22

Get some proper legal advice about protecting your interest in the property then. It can be done, but what you don't get is a share of any assets he's built while you are his partner.

I'd be tempted to march him down to the registry office, or demand a lump sum for a private bank account. But I'm fairly cynical

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 10:28

Thanks, that's a good idea. I'm not so bothered about the money, its the principle and finding ways to make him donstrate he is serious about future. I deffinately don't think its appropriate to marry at moment because it would be for wrong reasons if you see what I mean. I know i'v been stupid really but I am not instinctively driven by money, I just want him to show me more respect now to try and see of I can trust him again.

OP posts:

ChampagneCommunist · 11/10/2016 10:31

Get a Declaration of Trust setting out your financial (and other?) interest/contribution to the house & make sure it is protected by a Restriction on the title.

I draft these a lot for unmarried couples; let me know if you need more info

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 10:42

"I just want him to show me more respect now to try and see of I can trust him again".

He won't show you any more respect particularly by staying and your relationship is built on sand. When trust is gone or diminished it is nigh on impossible to get it back. How could you ever trust him again?. Short answer is you cannot and that is why you thought you could obtain an agreement as in your initial post.

Why would you want to stay with someone like this at all given his past behaviours?.

Do you have children together, if so what are you both teaching them about relationships here?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents set you?.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 11:03

Well AtillaTheMeercat, I wish all I can say is if only life were so black and white, then no I would be gone in a flash. Are you really saying that when someone makes a mess that has really just possibly escalated out of control they are irredeemable. Being married does not protect you from infidelity
I grew up without a father fwiw, he left us for ow. My parents were married at the time. It destroyed my mother, which was not pleasant.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 11:08

You get something out of this relationship otherwise you would have been long gone.

He has made more than just a mess; a mess can be cleared up. He has taken you for a complete ride throughout. Being unmarried does not protect you from infidelity either and your legal position is very poor indeed.

What if he cheats on you again; no document will stop him if the intent is there. That says far more about him btw than it does about you.

Can you ever look him in the eyes again and say that you can start to trust this man?.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 11:09

I want evidence he is prepared to commit to working at redeeming our relationship/family before deciding to give us another chance.

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HeddaGarbled · 11/10/2016 11:10

Get house put in joint names?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 11:12

"I want evidence he is prepared to commit to working at redeeming our relationship/family before deciding to give us another chance".

Such as?. What has he actually done himself and without any assistance or guidance from you to try and fix the problems in your relationship?.

How many chances have you given him already?.

He is quite happy as he is. What incentive is there for him to make proper changes, there are none. The only way you may get through to him is through him losing you completely.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 11:13

We are a great family unit, never argue, are very compatible. But of course I have pride and I am not wanting the easy choice. Also, the thought of sharing my children does destroy me. Its awful because he has wrecked everything and he says he knows it.

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Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 11:15

Well, we rarely argued at least.

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AyeAmarok · 11/10/2016 11:18

Have you asked him to put your name on the house too so you own it 50/50? What does he say?

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 11:21

Attila, if we completely separate, like permanently, I need to know it will be the correct decision. I don't want to disrupt my kids for a relationship that might be redeemable. I know its shit but believe me, he is not getting an easy ride here. I may well cut my loses and he knows that.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 11:22

Pride comes before a fall. Do not hide behind your children.

He can still be a co-parent to his children. They have a right to know their dad.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; that cheating should be at all tolerated and even accepted as part of a relationship?. No. You saw all too clearly the damage done when you were a child yourself by your dad's cheating. It affected you as well markedly. Do not let history repeat itself with another generation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2016 11:25

Again what has he done to show remorse for his actions?. Or is he only sorry because you caught him out?.

You cannot be the sole one responsible for fixing this, he has to want to play his part as well. He has to take responsibility here for his actions and that requires a lot of work on his part to do. If he cannot or will not do that it says an awful lot about him as a person; he is selfish and has only thought of his own self here.

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Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 12:32

Atilla...He has moved jobs so he no longer works away fro home. He says he has told me everything. He has been to counselling for himself. He is generally been helpful and keen to resume our relationship as 'normal', but I not ready/sure to say if we do have a future yet. I know he has bought a ring and wants us to marry.

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Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 12:37

He says its biggest mistake he has ever made and is so sorry, but talking about stuff is always instigated by me. He never ever was good about discussing his own emotions, he says he finds words difficult. He is not mean with his money. I just can't understand how we got here and it seems a waste of an otherwise happy family for the sake of some very, very stupid behaviour whilst working away fro home.

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willconcern · 11/10/2016 12:38

He owns house but a LOT of my money went into it, because we assumed we would marry, but never got round to it.

You need to get some advice from a solicitor. I see you can prove the amount you have paid in.

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