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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Would you or have you dated someone from the army (or ex army) ?

32 replies

J0kersSmile · 10/10/2016 21:24

Are there any pros and cons apart from the obvious.

Do they all have ptsd? Are they more rigid?

OP posts:

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BitchQueen90 · 10/10/2016 21:41

I was married to one and my DStepdad is also military.

They don't all have PTSD, but from my own experience are very disciplined/rigid. My house was always spotless.

Obviously there are the deployment issues and I lived in the middle of nowhere for 2 years. A lot of moving around.

Personality wise everyone is different though. A friend of mine's DH has PTSD and struggles a lot.

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Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2016 21:45

I did date a few men from all 3 forces but made sure it never got serious as I knew the army would come before me, my career and any children we had.
I have friends and family in the forces and married to soldiers and it might work for some but it's not for me

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J0kersSmile · 10/10/2016 21:46

Thanks bitch. Do you think going to war does anything to them especially if they were on the front line or have I read to many novels

OP posts:

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Montane50 · 10/10/2016 21:46

My dp is ex army, his ex wife probably has more reason to cause him ptsd-but im glad to say hes relatively sane. Hes kind, protective (in a good way), supportive, and unshockable. Love him to bits and would thoroughly recommend x

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Queenbean · 10/10/2016 21:48

I dated two men from the forces

From a relationship perspective, it was a bloody pain in the arse. For how organised the army is meant to be they are utterly disaorganised with things like leave dates being changed last minute etc. You have to be very patient, dp was in a relationship with the army first, me second!

I never saw issues with ptsd and actually, he had a bloody good sense of humour, very dark. The sense of closeness with the other men and the close relationship you get with the other partners is brilliant.

But it is a big commitment and can be a real worry if they're out somewhere dangerous.

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Stevefromstevenage · 10/10/2016 21:49

I live in a very army centric area. I personally would struggle with the overseas deployment and the being home raising children alone....but I do like a man in uniform. I am happily married to a non military men so I am going to say a resounding no for now

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khaleesi71 · 10/10/2016 21:51

It very much depends on their experience and the support they've had from their units and their own capacity to deal with the rigours of their work. Some are disciplined in some aspects but f their life but let go in others. Some are smart and funny and some are complete wankers - most have a complete lack of respect for muppetry! I've been a military wife for many years and seen most varieties and issues wander through my kitchen at one time or another. It's no different to any other relationship really - except their job can be high maintenance and lack flexibility if you don't feel your getting the respect you deserve then you need to rethink the relationship. Good luck!

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InfiniteSheldon · 10/10/2016 21:52

Very happily married to an ex forces scruffy messy relatively normalish man. He does suffer ptsd but nothing we can't handle. He's also the nicest kindest most caring man I've ever known.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/10/2016 21:58

DH is ex Army. First gulf war & peacekeeping in Croatia & Bosnia. Sarajevo in the middle of the worst of the worst. Of course it affected him, how could it not, but we are now very happy civilians. He still talks about his army days far too much a lot. Not as much about the actual war zones but life & guys in his regiment and what they are doing now. Gossip, mainly!

The worst side effect for me so far is that DD1 (13) has started talking about going to our equivalent of Sandhurst. I don't mind that much, but if she joined up and ended up in a war zone herself I am not sure I could cope.

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TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 10/10/2016 22:02

I did, but it didn't last. I think he was too used to 'being a bloke amongst men' if that makes any sense.
He's had a great career but still intermittently single a decade on. i think he's happy though.

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madgingermunchkin · 10/10/2016 22:05

You will never come first with a currently serving man in the military. That is just a given fact.
You have to be independent and know that you will spend a fair amount of time alone, including parenting alone.
All dates are in pencil, not pen, and you're lucky if dates only change once.
It's a tough life, and you have to be s tough woman to do it. Either you follow your husband around, and have to get used to diving straight in on a new patch, and starting again every few years, or you stay in one place and he comes back when he can.

That said, they tend to have a cracking sense of humour, and can use an iron/Hoover/needle and thread. And they are incredibly loyal.

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Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/10/2016 23:14

My STBXH was in the army for 24 years. I was an army wife for many years.

NCO. Started at 16.

Completely institutionalised.

It was like having another kid. A lying, selfish kid. I could say that was his personality of course, but there were quite a few like him.

There's a lot of bullshit and wind ups with some. If you are weak minded particularly.

It says a lot about the divorce rates in the military too.

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Dancingtothemusicoftime · 10/10/2016 23:37

I'm in HM Forces, as is my DH. We have had an amazing life professionally and I would SO recommend this career to my DDs and DS. Served all over the world and have worked with the most fantastic people, also seen terrible things. But not sure I could have been the civilian DW - I think
those that are are awesome, but I was glad to be on the inside looking out, rather than the other way round. Military people are no more likely than those in the other blue light services to suffer PTSD and frequently less so - lots of research and evidence about this. If they do (and I know many who have), it's dreadful, but the care available is world-class. I have spent my career working with the funniest, bravest, most pragmatic and kindest people - who also swear a lot, but hey what a privilege. OP, not all
Forces men are gold-plated but there are a fair few diamonds amongst them.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/10/2016 23:38

Think it makes a difference if they are troops or officers too.

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TheFairyCaravan · 10/10/2016 23:52

I've been married to DH for 23 years. He's served almost 30 years in the RAF. He's mostly alright. He's a good bloke, very loyal, committed, hard working and kind.

DS1 is in the army. Whatever life throws at him he gives it 100%, he doesn't shout or argue, he puts everyone and everything before himself. He volunteers for everything. He's funny, Intelligent, kind and loyal.

At times it not easy especially when you're left behind, but I wouldn't change it if I had my time again.

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PickAChew · 10/10/2016 23:59

I had an army boyfriend, many years ago. Apparently some of those band practices were HARD.

I LT pillock.

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pontificationcentral · 11/10/2016 00:02

Married one. How odd to assume everyone in the forces is damaged in some way! And whilst dh is more than capable of ironing, cooking, cleaning, sewing, or any other facet of modern parenting, he 's also equally capable of ordering pizza and leaving crap everywhere. A military man is just like any other human being.
He got blown up 15 years ago, which was a bit of a pita, but no ptsd to be seen. Equally, our dcs' godfather was blown up ten years ago and has no ptsd. To assume everyone gets ptsd who has seen active service, or even everyone gets ptsd who has been injured in the line of service is just bizarre. Fortunately dh's head injury (given 20% chance of survival) wasn't in fact fatal, and he has pretty much recovered fully.
Of course, that isn't to say that no one gets ptsd, or that ptsd isn't a very real problem - but most guys serving (and gals serving - I did 16 years) are fairly representative of the general population.
Yes, you have been reading too many novels.

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Dancingtothemusicoftime · 11/10/2016 00:04

Bandies are also battlefield medics in conflict Pickachew. That's bloody hard.

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PickAChew · 11/10/2016 00:07

He never got into any conflict situation. Had to keep his drumsticks polished just so, though.

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SuramarMom · 11/10/2016 00:12

From personal experience (not dated any but had a few friends that have dates/married) don't do it.

Lots (and I mean lots) of shagging around going on, sexual diseases, hidden wives, you name it.

One got really fucked up by stuff he'd seen and turned violent towards her and the children.

It's not an easy life, I wouldn't choose it.

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orangeterry · 11/10/2016 05:16

My partner is ex military .
Served in Iraq when he was just 18
He suffers from ptsd and talks about it in his sleep most nights
He is very disciplined and a great partner

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HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/10/2016 06:10

Male friend in the forces tells me there is lots of shagging around behind gfs' backs

His friends don't seem the 'type' to cheat but he assures me they all do

These are all younger men though, maybe it changes as they grow older

And I'm sure there are some gems, maybe the ones too moral to be friends with my friend!

I used to date a forces guy and in retrospect he definitely cheated multiple times, sadly I ignored all evidence at the time as he really didn't seem the type to cheat
He had quite a few issues himself though
The army lifestyle just gave him the opportunities and a group of male friends to normalise it

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bigoldbird · 11/10/2016 06:23

Ex DH was military. Cheated all through our marriage. Ex son in law was also military, treated my DD like a piece of garbage.

I work with them every day, fine to work with, would never get involved romantically or advise anyone else to.

Sorry to all that have had good experiences, I can only speak from personal experience.

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cuntinghomicidalcardigan · 11/10/2016 06:30

Why do you ask, OP ?

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DeliveredByKiki · 11/10/2016 06:47

DBro is an officer and has served in Afghanistan twice and married one of my friends last year - who very nearly didn't go out with him because he's army.

He's salt of the earth, consistently does actually put his wife first (refused to consider a job/post that didn't allow her to keep her civilian job, planning the next job with her involved in discussions and decisions) and doesn't suffer ptsd

His mates are all generally decent human beings who are sustaining normal relationships with civilians - but (don't know if it makes a difference) they're all officers who went to sandhurst post uni (many after post graduate degrees) but has done CCF etc since teens

He's always been one to abide by the rules and strong sense of fairness and justice though so I don't think that's the army. And he can still leave my house a total dump when he comes to stay.