Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
He's separated but won't let me meet her? What would you think of this reasoning...(72 Posts)
I really need some brutal opinions. I'll try and be as detailed as possible.
I've been seeing a man for 18 months. He is a manager at the bank I work for, and although I don't see him in the day at work, (he's not my manager), we sometimes share lifts to work as we live close by. I'm 30 and he's 47. It's the best relationship I've ever been in and he makes me very very happy. I've seen him everyday bar about 6 in our whole relationship. We are very close and, without wanting to gush, I'm not being overly romantic - I'm usually very cynical! - I love him a lot.
So what's the problem? The problem is he lives with his wife and child, who will leave to go to university in two years.
From day 1, when I met him in a bar near where we work, he told me he was separated from his wife, but they hadn't started dicorce proceedings because of their child, and they wanted to bring up the child together in the same home.
Why did I believe this? Lots of reasons. He calls me every night for long chats, he talks every night. At weekends unless he's with his child he will be at my house. I've been to his house when his wife has worked away and there's nothing in it to indicate they are together. In the early days I heard phone calls (hed answer in the car) and it was very formulaic and practical. It sounded exactly how he said it was - that they were separated and waiting for the child to leave home.
In the last 4 months I said I wanted to meet his wife. I said if they were separated then she wouldn't care. He said although he's sure she wouldn't care, it would make the home life more hostile than it already is and that defeats the object of staying to bring up the child. He also said that his wife would feel angry about it happening while he was living there.
Obviously this has raised all sorts of alarm bells. I've been very upfront and asked if he's cheating, why he won't just talk to her, and this weekend I said I didn't want to see him again until he sorted all this out properly.
He then turned up tonight and told me he would do anything to prove to me that what he's told me is true, and that he doesn't know how to prove it but wants to try.
I expect that people are going to be cynical here... And I'm not campaigning to defend him as I really don't know what to think, hence why I'm here asking what you all think... But he's a lovely man and he almost seems scared of his wife - I read some very abusive messages from her to him many months ago when he was crying about a row they had had. Part of me does think he really doesn't want to rock the boat for the sake of his child... But how can I really know?
Any advice welcome.. However harsh!
So his child is 16?
He has no way of knowing for sure if he/she will go to uni or not. Even if they do, they'll be back for holidays every 8 weeks so it's not like the job of being a parent just ends.
I'd be surprised if a 16yo hadn't noticed their parents had separated even if they all still lived in the same house
In conclusion, it all sounds like bollocks to me.
If you want a relationship then tell him it's over for now, he needs to leave his wife and move out. Once he's been single for 6 months then consider staying to date him again.
Sorry but I think he is having his cake and eating it. Even if the marriage is dead, as it sounds from what you've said, it doesn't sound over. It sounds like he likes the comfort of his wife and home and likes you on the side. He sounds too cagey to be genuine.
Yep, probably the best advice and what I need to do!
Feeling like a bit of a fool which is making me angry too.
Sounds fishy. Are you sure you aren't just ow, or perhaps one of many. Is he living with someone other than his wife/child already. Work relationships have a habit of turning messy, best avoided.
Well, I don't want anything to do with my STBX's new partner (although to be fair she was OW, & I've known her for years & always disliked her even before she started shagging my husband, so I have good reason!)
Whatever her reason for not wanting to meet you, assuming she knows you actually exist, that would be her prerogative.
But in your shoes I'd want proof that y'know, she is in fact aware that her estranged H is seeing someone. & that they are genuinely separated.
I wouldn't want to continue in the relationship if there seemed a likelihood that they are in fact just pottering along in what she believes to be an ongoing marriage...& I do think I'd suspect that to be the case.
So...I don't think she has to want to meet you - but I think you need confirmation of the real state of their marriage.
Why do you want to meet her? To prove to yourself that he's separated, or because you want to be part of his home life? If it's the former - then you have trust issues which meeting her may not resolve. If the latter, be careful what you wish for - it may be a disaster to get mixed up in this other relationship which hasn't ended, whatever it still is.
I think if he's being honest with you, he's set his boundaries and this is working (for him) and he doesn't want to rock the boat at home where things can be volatile.
Otherwise, he's lying to you and you won't find out for at least 2 years when his kid leaves for college.
What do YOU want out of this relationship? Are you prepared to wait up to 2 years to find out what happens next?
Have you met his friends and other family members and been introduced as his girlfriend? Do you go out and about 'as a couple' to bars, restaurants etc? Do people at work know you are a couple? Does he spend the night with you on a regular basis? (other then when wife is working away)
If I was his wife then I wouldn't want to meet you tbh, it's not as if he has younger children that you will be spending time with so other than curiosity why do you need to meet each other?
As to whether their relationship is as he has presented it to you then we can't really answer that for you. In your shoes I would want to be 100% sure that they were separated but you don't necessarily need to meet his wife to establish that fact.
So, he's made arrangements for you to meet his wife and daughter then. When's the big occasion ?
He will do anything right ?
He is a married man. He isn't separated- he is living in a family unit with the woman he is married to and their child. She doesn't know about you and he does not want to tell her because she wouldn't be happy about it.
This is a classic affair scenario and you are the other woman.
He said he will do anything to prove himself. Well that's easy you have already told him what the anything is. He just needs to introduce you to his wife.
I wouldn't believe a word he said.
He also said that his wife would feel angry about it happening while he was living there
So at the very best, they are separated with an agreement that neither of them will have another relationship with anyone else whilst they still live under the same roof.
I'd bet his wife would be very surprised to learn they're separated and waiting until their child goes off to uni (if that even happens) when they will go their separate ways.
I would think that you are the OW, why would you start seeing someone who you know lives with his wife?
"He then turned up tonight and told me he would do anything to prove to me that what he's told me is true, and that he doesn't know how to prove it but wants to try."
He does know how to prove it. Introduce you to all and sundry as his girlfriend, including his XW.
At 16, his DC will be able to decide for himself which parent he sees and on what terms.
But of course, the hostility from his DW might simply be because she's aware something is up, can't work out what and is feeling utterly frustrated by his (possibly very shitty) conduct towards her (as all the time being spent on you should be given to her and his family).
Only by ending the deceit will you know.
To be honest, even if all that he has said is true he is still a married man that lives with his wife. Even if they are not sharing a bed and effectively live separate lives, even if she knew you existed and was happy with that (which it doesn't sound like she does), this is a crazy complicated set up with a lot of potential for heart ache. Even in the best possible light I would be thinking about whether this is a relationship I want to be in while he is living in this set up.
You're the ow and fell for the oldest cliche in the book.
His wife has no idea they are separated and terse messages, poor communication and increased hostility will be as a result of him having a fucking affair.
Does she know she's wasting years on a man who's both cheating on her and planning on buggering off in a few years?
He's not a lovely man, he's a shit pretending to be lovely to keep you on the hook and your love is misplaced.
I guess there's a very slim chance that he's telling the truth, and lucky for him that's easily proven by letting you have a grown up conversation with his wife.
Sorry I don't think I was clear in my first post... He's said his wife doesn't know about me because she would be angry as they still live together.
I agree that it's fucked up and he's probably lying. I just can't really get my head around it as he's never even looked shifty whenever we have discussed it. I've been to his house, I see him all the time. If she has no idea then I don't know how she doesn't!!!
OP have you met any of his family or friends? Does anyone other than you two know you're in a relationship? Have you been away together etc?
You've been to the house when she wasn't there presumably, perhaps away. Did it look like they live together or separately? Was he relaxed or keen to go out again? I'm not sure why you have blindly believed him for 2 years and now have questions. Does he have a reputation at work?
Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar!
At 16, a child should be able to understand what is going on and in my opinion, it shouldn't be a reason to hang around for another 2 years? Loads of people co parent very effectively with minor disruption to the dc, so his reasoning would be an issue for me and make me doubt what he was protesting.
If he would do anything to prove it to you, then he should tell his "stbxw".
Also, I don't think there is any particular need for you to meet her! Like pp have said, have you met his friends and family? Do ppl at work know about you two?
Is this the guy in the annexe?
Why so keen to meet the wife?
You'll get the same answers as you did last time anyway TBH.
I assumed she knew and I never really asked much in the first few months as we were just getting to know each other. I assumed he had told her, stupid I guess. The way he comes across is as if it's all fine and they have this plan to be apart.
We've never had sex and the reason for that is because I said I wouldn't until the divorce proceedings were started. Though obviously we have been intimate. He's never questioned that and so I can't imagine nearly two years later he's just after sex. It's confusing.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.