Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

bancroft book for an abusive ex?

(59 Posts)
grittypetal Mon 10-Oct-16 19:14:33

Separated from the dad of DC a couple of years ago. He had to move out and I stayed with the children. By then it had been clear to me that he was abusive so i didn't even bother to read bancroft, reading the forums here was enough sad He has a new girlfriend now but just recently hinted he is not that into her and would like to consider us trying again... I am still greatly attached to him and would love to try again but have little hope of it working, unfortunately. He still seem not even to fully understand how rubbish he'd been. So i got the bancroft book and am reading it now, recognising with sadness some of our relationship's disasters (in a milder form, no physical). So now the question - would it make sense to give him the book to read as well? As a way of trying to open his eyes to his own behaviour? Is this book even written for men - it seems to me to be exclusively for female victimssad

KarmaNoMore Mon 10-Oct-16 19:18:58

Nah, I pretty much think that if he is as abusive as you say he is, he won't recognise himself in it, it would give him the excuse to put the blame on you, as abusers do all the time.

If he doesn't think the way he treated you is abuse, what is the point of gettting back together?

grittypetal Mon 10-Oct-16 19:25:55

he's got some good sides to him... i suppose his main attraction is he (seems to?) really love me and the children, actually proved that in those couple of years. Just got no self reflection. We were vaguely thinking about counseilling too, but that might take ages still.

grittypetal Mon 10-Oct-16 19:29:09

i have a happy and fulfilled life now and would never go back to the way it was. But obviously I would like to have that one last chance with this man.

Ausernotanumber Mon 10-Oct-16 19:31:24

He won't see it and he might use it against you. I wouldn't.

TheNaze73 Mon 10-Oct-16 20:04:11

You can lead a horse to water.....

hermione2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 21:03:18

The first consideration is of course your children.How would they cope if they had to go through another break up?
I am just separating from an EA relationship, 4 years of trying to not walk on eggshells.This year I started to get clarity and could see that his explosions were not about the content or how I raised issues but its all to do with his deep emotional issues.

My stbxh went to counselling for a year and it made it worse.Why? Because he has not learned to cope with his feelings of inadequacies.I t just made him more reactive and more blaming.The negative feelings he had came to the top much easier.

The explanation for this is given in another useful book 'You don't have to take it anymore' and it has a section for men to read.I would encourage you to read it first, many times so you understand what has to change.Only you know your partner but in my case he's nearly 50 and I doubt he has the ability or inclination to change.

It's hard to replicate a real relationship from 'destiny' and there is always a honeymoon period.How else would we have married these men?

I hope there is a "cure" for abusive men, just not found proof of it in real life.Maybe others have??

hermione2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 21:05:50

A bit of a red flag to me is the new g/f and how he's hinted he's not that into her so maybe a chance with you.That doesn't feel respectful at all so has he changed?

MotherFuckingChainsaw Mon 10-Oct-16 21:06:37


They treat it as a training manual apparently

AstrantiaMallow Mon 10-Oct-16 21:25:07

He has a new girlfriend now but just recently hinted he is not that into her and would like to consider us trying again... Nice of him to be telling you all this. Why is he with her then?

He still seem not even to fully understand how rubbish he'd been.

Chances are he'll read the book and use it all against you. He's had two years to reflect and he hasn't, why would you want to show him the light when he isn't interested?

Remind yourself of why you split up in the first place.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 10-Oct-16 21:41:55

What has he done to change his behaviour since you chucked him for being abusive?

You say he has no self reflection, so I'm guessing he has done nothing at all, not even Googled "how to not abuse women". All he did was find someone else to wash his pants and give him blowjobs but she's about to chuck him for being abusive I'd guess.

You are falling back into the role of saving him, of loving him into being not abusive. Didn't work last time. What's changed?

Don't show him Bancroft. At most, tell him his past behaviour was abusive and ask him what has changed. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the response blames you and is all about how sad he is, with nothing about what you suffered and what is best for you. Selfishness is at the heart of lots of abuse.

KarmaNoMore Mon 10-Oct-16 21:42:50

Oh please, he is with someone but trying it with you? He is trying to have his ego stroked (or other things).

Honestly, if you are currently happy and so are your children, is it worth it to put them through the mess of a second split? He may have been an abuser before but now he seems pretty much like a potential cheater, bad news either way.

hermione2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:20:55

'predictive text! destiny' was 'distant', meaning he seems kinder from the outside, but you do not rely on him now.What do you really think are the chances of him being there for you ?

AnotherEmma Mon 10-Oct-16 22:22:22

Nooooooo! Don't do it, don't even entertain the idea of trying again with him. I suggest you look up the Freedom Programme and see if there's a course near you.

Silverleaved Tue 11-Oct-16 06:38:31

In Bancroft's books he explicitly says not to give the book to the man, it is not written for them. I don't think that will work.

HandyWoman Tue 11-Oct-16 07:09:03

You say you have read the book. How about the part where it says these men are deeply, fundamentally broken. Did you skip that part?

A man with no self reflection has no, I repeat no ability to change.

AnyFucker Tue 11-Oct-16 07:20:20

You think getting him to read the Bancroft book will turn him into a different person ?

Just, no

grittypetal Tue 11-Oct-16 07:24:34

thank you all for your answers. We, we'd been together for nearly two decades, so both not teenagers anymore. The new gf had to work hard to get her way in, he was alone and available for quite a while, she is a mutual friend. I suppose being close with someone new made him realise how well we used to fit in some ways. He'd been mentioning getting back with me all that time but always with the line "I am ready to give you another chance" which just sent me up the wall as I feel it would be me giving him other chance. And now I suppose seeing him with another woman and at the same time hearing that I was better for him made me long for that last chance, last attempt ...

AnyFucker Tue 11-Oct-16 07:48:35

You would be a fool to go there, and you know it. Don't put your kids through that car crash again.

grittypetal Tue 11-Oct-16 08:05:58

in fact, if anything, him hinting at trying again now, when he is with someone else, makes me think he really does mean it. The time he said it before I took it as him needing someone to wash his pants (etc smile)

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Oct-16 08:15:16

Stop giving this man any more headspace as of now, he has had more than enough already. He wants you back purely and simply because this other woman has had enough of him. Such men like this do not change and he will simply exploit you again given any opportunity. Infact he is already doing this. He knows you are still vulnerable even now and you have not recovered from him at all, men like this take many many years to recover from and you are not there yet. Womens Aid Freedom Programme is a must do for you now.

No to giving him the book to read. He would not recognise or want to recognise his own self in it and would blame you instead as abusers are wont to do.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Just no.

Counselling and for your own self is necessary

AnotherEmma Tue 11-Oct-16 08:44:39

What Attila said - every word.

grittypetal Tue 11-Oct-16 08:56:44


AnyFucker Tue 11-Oct-16 09:30:26

What ? You see him sniffing around you when he is actually with someone else as a positive ?

Yep. I think you are foolish enough to take him back.

AnotherEmma Tue 11-Oct-16 13:07:58

Come on now AF.

OP, you have a choice, and I think you are capable of making the right one.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now