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Time to call it a day?

(13 Posts)
nancydeec Mon 10-Oct-16 15:08:49

Can't believe I am typing these words - I don't even know where to start.

I am married to a compulsive gambler. I knew before I married him that he was. He has always attended GA and when he is good - he is good. There have been times when he has fallen off the wagon and each time, it's horrendous, he has been horrible to me, lied, wasted money, is depressed and useless in work and at home. Now, we have 3 kids, the stakes are a lot higher.
We're married 9 years and over these years, he has been off for a couple of years and then will go on the rampage for 3/4 months before I find out and we're back to square one.
The last time it happened was last summer. After months of moodiness, depression and being verbally abused, I found out what he was up to. The lies and deceit became apparent. We worked through it, he went back to GA and we got our marriage back on track.
I swore to myself and to him that if this happened again, I would immediately pull the plug.
Well, what do you know, after months of the same, he admitted to me on Saturday that he has been gambling again.
Over the past few months he has been horrible to live with, moody, puts all the parenting responsibilities on me, makes me feel like I am the problem, disrespects me constantly and is never happy.
We have recently moved to be closer to my parents. The main driver for the move, if I'm honest is that I got sick of living with someone who was incapable of putting the children and I first and always making me feel like I have done something wrong.
I have a good job, much better than his and have a very bright career ahead of me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Here I am married to someone who treats me like the shit on his shoes. He lies, deceives me and puts his own desires above the needs of the family. He is a good father in many ways and our children adore him. If I were to ask him to leave, I feel like I would be ripping our family apart and breaking their little hearts. That said , I don't love him anymore and he will never regain or rebuild my trust. I can't imagine letting him touch me or wanting to do anything with him again.
I just hate the thoughts of being a single mother and raising my children in a broken home.
What the hell can I do? I have told my friend but she is going through her own crap and she is useless with these kinds of things anyway. I don't want to tell my mother as it's easier if she's in the dark, until I decide what I am going to do, it will just make things harder.
We haven't spoken too much about his latest escapades, I am afraid of the damage he will have done and also he is in a very dark place, so I don't want to push him over the edge.
He has alluded to the fact that he feels lonely, isolated, useless, depressed and wants to just walk away from everything.
I am able to deal with anything in a professional capacity. In my work life, nothing phases me but this really terrifies me.
Not sure what anyone can tell me, that I already don't know. Maybe I have been completely burying my head in the sand and this is never ever going to get any better.
Thanks for reading x

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 15:24:05

I really hate the concept of broken home that you have portrayed in your post.

My kids live in a 'broken home' as I am a single parent but your home is the truely broken one not mine. Everyone's happy in mine. It's a lovely environment. Don't you want that rather than the label of a husband who treats you all like total crap? You might not want the stigma of divorce but you aren't teaching your kids valuable lessons about love, relationships or finances by keep trying to make something Brooke work again and again.
He keeps doing it as he's an addict and he thinks you will never leave him.

Is this really what you want your life to be like? Because you can choose. What you can't do is change someone like him who doesn't want to change and doesn't love and respect you how a husband and father ought to.

Smoogi Mon 10-Oct-16 15:25:04

Kick him out.
Disentangle yourself from his finances.
File for divorce.
You can't help him.
He wants to gamble more than he wants you or your family.

pocketsaviour Mon 10-Oct-16 15:34:24

It's better to be from a broken home, than in one.

As children of an addict your DC are already absorbing horribly damaging lessons about life. The sooner you remove them from the destructive influence of someone who they see treating them and their mum like shit, the better you can mitigate the damage he's already caused.

Of course it won't be easy. But there is lots of support for you here.

I'd recommend reading up on Co-dependency as well. You have enabled his addiction for a long time and you need to think about why you've done that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Oct-16 15:36:41

I have to look at you also in all this, what are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are still being met here?.

Why did you go onto marry a confirmed gambler; did you think that marriage to you along with a family life would change him and stop him gambling? Love is often not enough.

Have you sought out your own support from Gamcare?

Getting help for yourself is important.

If you feel you can’t talk to people close to you, you can get confidential support from GamCare.

HelpLine – Freephone 0808 8020 133
The Helpline can give you a safe place to discuss your feelings.Helpline advisers can give you advice on:
Supporting your partner, friend or family member
Talking to them about their gambling
Getting help with debt and financial management
Getting counselling or further support for yourself
Signposting to other services available in your area

Re your comment:-
"He lies, deceives me and puts his own desires above the needs of the family. He is a good father in many ways and our children adore him"

Those two sentences completely contradict each other.

How is he at all a good father to them if he has treated you all like this over several years?. They probably do not adore him so much as are afraid of him and walk on their own eggshells so as not to upset him.
Women in poor relationships often write such denying guff when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here.

Re this:-
I swore to myself and to him that if this happened again, I would immediately pull the plug. Well, what do you know, after months of the same, he admitted to me on Saturday that he has been gambling again.

You cannot really be surprised that he is gambling again. He has never faced up to his addictions and does not want to do so. So are you going to be true to your own self now and pull said plug or are you going to bury your head in the sand? Why can't you ask him to leave; why are you still potentially putting his needs and addiction above your needs?

He could well bankrupt you all in the end and you could be left with nothing. Do you actually know the full extent of the losses and debts?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.

This sort of stuff as well thrives on secrecy; you need to start properly opening up to trusted people.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Oct-16 15:40:19

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependent behaviours within such dysfunctional relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviours.

Your children will not thank you for staying with someone like this; they will call you daft for doing so and perhaps even wonder of you why you put him before them.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and living on a knife edge as you are now. You're basically fire fighting the whole time and its not doing your own health any favours.

Missrubyring Mon 10-Oct-16 15:40:57

Myusernameismyusername has it bang on 100%.
Remember, it's him and his doing that's tearing the family apart ... not you.

adora1 Mon 10-Oct-16 15:44:31

so disagree on your views of being from a broken home - you're already in one OP so are your kids and don't pretend to yourself that they haven't suffered the crap your OH has put you through, yes they have.

Best thing you can do for them and yourself is actually take action, you can moan until the cows come home it wont change a damn thing, only you can change it, he will never, ever put you before his gambling, you know that, your choice is actually very easy.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 10-Oct-16 15:47:38

I also feckin' hate this 'broken home' shite!!!
You are IN a broken home - your kids are IN a broken home.
You are being abused and letting your children see you be abused and disrespected IN your broken home.
Nice life lesson there! NOT....!
Open your eyes and get the hell away before he drags you down so low there is no coming out of it, because he will.
Stop using the so called 'perfect' 'happy' family as a fall back to stay with him.
It really is not in your best interests or your DC best interest to remain with this man in your lives.

nancydeec Sat 22-Oct-16 11:01:02

thanks for the replies. some are a little harsh, which is why I didn't reply. that said you speak the truth and sometimes that is not nice to hear.
I am getting rid of him . he is a useless piece if shit and holds me back from being the person I am and holds our family back. everything everyone has said is so right.
I need to find the inner strength to execute but I have told my parents and they are 100% behind me. am going to see a counsellor just to help me overcome all the years of damage he has to done to help me find the inner confidence all ND trngth to be 100% for my children. thank you all for helping me see the wood for the trees. sometimes it takes someone being cruel to be kind. x

hellsbellsmelons Sat 22-Oct-16 16:10:39

I'm glad you came back and sorry I was so harsh.
Well done telling your parents and it's great they are supporting your decision.
Real life support is so important.
You'll do great now.
Good luck with everything.

Crazeecurlee Sat 22-Oct-16 22:12:15

Good luck OP!

Dontyouknow2016 Sat 22-Oct-16 22:18:19

Do people use the term broken home any more? I have been a single parent for five years and I have never heard it and would be highly offended if someone said it in my presence or my children's.

Aside from that I can't think of a reason why you would want to stay with him.

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