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Do we need relationship counselling? Advice please...

(2 Posts)
ChangeioNameio Mon 10-Oct-16 13:51:35

This is long and rambling….and I've name changed as some friends know my regular username.

Background: DH & I are in our 40s. Married 15 years. 3 kids (12,8,6). Both of us work FT. I work flexibly so we don’t need any childcare; he does 4 days long hours & and has 1 day at home (works on his own business that day). He earns double my salary. We have joint finances and each have full access. I do pretty much everything in the house during the week (all laundry/cooking/ cleaning/organizing everything for the kids), but he does loads at weekends (cooking / cleaning/ garden/ DIY / cars / finances). I think we both pull out weight. Sex life is fine I think, but bit of a dry patch over the last few weeks due to illness (both of us). We make a good team. I love and respect him. I think he loves me.

But we argue a lot over such stupid little things and find it difficult to resolve them. We have spent the past 4 days falling out about little things which escalate…e.g. something was missing from one of the kids lunchboxes on Fri (he said I forgot to put it in, but I'm sure I packed it so think he took it out when he put in the sandwiches. He was also annoyed at me not answering my phone when the school called to ask where said item was (I was in a meeting and left phone on my desk). He has a bugbear about me not answering my phone (it’s not always possible!) so this was a typical argument that we’ve had loads of times). This (and a few similarly banal other incidents) has escalated so much that we are now barely talking.

It’s not the actual topic of the arguments that matter…it just seems like we both want to be right and find it difficult to compromise or see the other point of view.

We’re both quite stressed with work. Quite stressed with home life. We both seem to harbor a lot of resentment. I think we’re taking each other for granted and we need to take stock and appreciate each other. But it’s difficult when we’re constantly sniping. This weekend has really brought things to a head and I’m feeling very emotional about it. I spent yesterday out of the house as I couldn't bear the thought of another disagreement.

We’ve had a rough patches before and we’ve had talks about appreciating each other more, but it seems short lived. He is very open to talking, but I find it very difficult to talk about my feelings and either clam up for days or burst into tears (not helpful I know).

I just don’t think this is normal. We can’t seem to sort it ourselves, but I don’t know how I feel about consulting a 3rd party. I think it would be good to get some strategies to improve our communication & relationship in general, but should we find our own way to deal with it or do we need outside help?

I’d be interested to hear if you think we would benefit from counselling as well as from people who have been helped by relationship counselling. Also any advice on finding a suitable counselor would be good.


Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 15:12:44

It seems like you just need to talk yourself into doing this because you know it is the right step you are just reluctant to start the ball rolling

You do need to at least try counselling

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