Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm so stuck

(24 Posts)
ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 08:48:11

I'm in a mess and don't know what to do. My H and I have had a dwindling relationship for some years. We are very respectful to each other, but there is no sex and hasn't been for a couple of years. A couple of months ago I called time on the relationship. Unfortunately, as we live in London, it's been really hard for me to just move out as it's very expensive for us to run two households individually. Whilst hard initially it's been okay.

I have been considering moving out in the next few months, but the thing that stop me dead is the thought of only seeing my DD 50% of the week. I'd just miss her so much.

So as not to drip feed I've sort of met another guy. He's great, but quite full on (wants to get married, have more kids etc).
H is 17 years older than me and we have been together 11 years (in case relevant).

I feel very stuck. Do I leave my daughter (for 50% of the week) to live by myself? Or do I stay (splitting with the new guy, obviously) and have an amicable rel with H, but have my daughter 100% of the time.

MorrisZapp Mon 10-Oct-16 08:51:42

Blimey. I totally get how you're feeling, but I'm not sure your ideal is possible. Generally, people who have had a reasonably amicable split can manage living together. . until they find other partners.

Do you plan to date outside the home, and have your dd think her parents are still together?

Hopeful16 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:53:24

How will you feel looking back on your life when your daughter leaves home to set up on her own? Will you look back with happiness or regret?

Personally I feel that you deserve true happiness but you need to decide whether that can be achieved "settling" for companionship without physical love or whether you will end up resentful of what you gave up to stay in the family home.

I don't envy you that decision but follow your heart. What would you say to you ten years ago? Or maybe in ten years time?

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 09:04:06

I think you could make sacrifices in other ways, financially perhaps and i don't understand how you can afford to move out alone but not with your daughter when you would have her 50%? It's a bit confusing.
Are you suggesting you cannot move out unless you move in with your new boyfriend?
I'm just trying to understand how it would work anyway.
If you move out with your daughter and take a financial hit, it would be hard but I think moving out with another man (I gather she doesn't know him) could be very risky in terms of all of your relationships and put you at a huge disadvantage custody wise and emotionally.

phillipp Mon 10-Oct-16 09:10:15

Are you planning on moving out in your own or straight in with the new man?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 09:11:39

A recent report I read online suggests children suffer psychological effects when they reach adulthood and realise that their parents had a sham marriage. . It leads them to believe their childhood was in fact all a lie.
Just something to think about..

Cabrinha Mon 10-Oct-16 09:16:29

You forget about this other man.
Not in terms of dating him - fine.
But you forget about marriage, kids...
I really hope he has said "in my life plan I see myself getting married and having children when I meet the right person" rather than "I want marriage and kids with you". Because you have been seeing him for a mere few weeks.
If it's the latter, hmmmmmm hmm

So - forget him. He's not part of this decision.

You have two decisions:
1. Do you want to split with your husband (actually split)
2. If so - how do you make it happen from a practical point of view. e.g. do you own or rent? If you own you've probably had an equity increase, so can you move to two smaller / further out properties? Are you maximising your earnings? e.g. Are you part time and need to go full time?

You're not stuck, you just have some tough choices to make.

But FGS don't see the new boyfriend as the way out financially!

All he is right now, is the catalyst for you realising you don't want to stay in a loveless marriage.

HandyWoman Mon 10-Oct-16 09:24:00

You aren't stuck. But equally it's not a binary choice between bloke A and bloke B. That way lies madness.

The question is, how to live an authentic life and be happy? That it the best thing for your dd.

Time to hash out a proper separation with H. If things are 1) over and 2) amicable then that's the next step.

Forget about 'Mr Full on Marriage and More Kids' he has potential red flags, you don't know him from Adam. By all means date him. But he is not 'the solution'.

Joysmum Mon 10-Oct-16 09:29:17

Forget about the OM atm, this all comes down to the practicalities of managing a separation and divorce.

You aren't the only people in London whose marriage dissolves so separation and divorce is possible emotionally and practically, it's a case of lowering your expectations of what your new household might be.

ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 10:20:14

Yes, I am leaving OM out of the picture.

I guess I'm struggling with leaving H and DD (for half the week). We could just carry on as we are?

ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 11:02:05

No, I would move out by myself and H and I would share care of DD 50:50.

ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 11:03:17

I guess the other issue is that if I remain with H, then I think I should stop seeing OM (I really like him etc, but it doesn't feel right to be dating whilst living in the family home)

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 12:00:27

It's clearer now thanks.
Ok well i don't think anyone would advocate staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of a child.
Without asking your H you don't know how he would feel about the OM's presence if you stayed living there.
No one can tell you to move or stay really it's got to be what you want.
You have to give something up and you have to face that loss for what it is and what it represents. Either way I think you should put your child at the centre and work that way out. Is she going to be any more or less unhappy with 50\50 parenting or seeing a mother and father who don't love each other and seeing other people in secret.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Oct-16 12:17:54

You don't have to dump your boyfriend if you're not moving out right now. But you have to be honest with both him and your husband.

If honest is "look, it's going to be a year before I move out because we have to sell up and save this year towards two deposits" then your boyfriend might be OK with that. I dated when I was stil in my marital home - but that was with an offer on a house accepted and a clear timeframe.

If honest is "I'm going to stay told she's 18, my STBXH mustn't know about you, and my daughter thinks I'm still married" then he house run a mile - and yes, you should dump him because you shouldn't be dating in that scenario.

ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 18:05:11

So I've been thinking about this a lot today (unsurprisingly). I guess the issue is, moving out and only seeing DD half of the week when in reality, living here is 'fine'. We're basically like flat-mates. Is it worth me moving out and thus missing my daughter terribly for half the week?

Joysmum Mon 10-Oct-16 18:12:05

As the child of parents who stayed together 'for the sake of the child' in my case I'd say this wasnt in my best interest.

I felt responsible for keeping them in an unhappy marriage when I left home and my mum left the following week. The guilt was unbelievable.

I was modeled a loveless marriage. I put up with crap men, not in love and stuck with them because it was no worse than my parents and I thought this was normal. Even couldn't see that an abusive relationship was wrong and stuck it out until I was dumped.

ButterBeanSoup Mon 10-Oct-16 18:18:43

Oh, they both know about each other! H wants me to stay and says we've invested too much in 11 or 12 years. I guess this is where him being so much older than me come into play.

The marriage is loveless in terms of sex and physical affection, but I do love him. But like a brother.

Joysmum Mon 10-Oct-16 18:32:57

My mum and dad were the same. Nothing wrong except it wasn't right.

Wibblywobblyfoo Mon 10-Oct-16 21:43:15

Maybe try to work out what you as an individual want? Not thinking about what either of the men give yu?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 10-Oct-16 22:03:56

It would be better for DD's future life and relationships if she were not being taught a lie about what a successful marriage feels like.

You would feel sad at not seeing her for half of the week while she is still a child.

What's in the best interests of DD long term?

Desmondo2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:46:06

oh please move out! enjoy a fulfilling new relationship! sort out a mutually acceptable shared parenting arrangement. life is for living. You will wish you had in 10 years time. shared custody takes some getting used to but we were so happy doing it for 5 years (til he decided to go and 'discover himself' and now i have 100% again!!!!)

mamakena Tue 11-Oct-16 04:28:25

you're willing to throw away your 12-year marriage and a stable family unit for your child over lack of sex? what steps have both of you taken to address this? would you be this eager to jump ship if you didn't have the OM lifeboat?

OK but remember you may just be exchanging one problem for another.

UpYerGansey Tue 11-Oct-16 07:49:41

A "lack of sex" isn't simply a matter of someone bothered about not getting their jollies. Lack of sex is end-game for many.

ButterBeanSoup Tue 11-Oct-16 08:41:24

It's not just a lack of sex. It's a complete lack of intimacy, for both of us. I guess I'm 32 and I would still like to have sex

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now