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I feel so stupid

(39 Posts)
QueenLizIII Mon 10-Oct-16 02:01:50

I met this guy in the summer on Tinder. We spent a weekend seeing each other and spending time together at his initiation. He was all over me, talking about future dates. I was surprised by his enthusiasm.

Went quiet for a short time but got in touch fairly quickly and we met again. When we met again had a great time, drinks in a very nice place and we were going to go for food later and he paid, etc. Very gentlemanly and paid me lovely compliments.

He said that he was so sorry for distance he has been so busy at work. He said that he was happy to see me again and we should keep doing it as we get on so well and are really compatible.

He said that he was coming off tinder, he wasn't going to date anymore as he didnt like it. He liked me is what he was trying to say (his words). He said he wanted to date but didnt want to get involved in something heavy very quickly and just enjoy. He'd been single for 3-4 years and because of the nature of his long hours he has let people down last minute and they've gone nuts and so he doesnt want something serious.

He said I dont have to come off tinder if I don't want to but he has deleted the whole thing. he said again later we really should meet again, now he is off tinder and we get on well and I am so cool.

I was ok with just dating for now without expecting a relationship s I liked his company. I was ok with seeing him now and again. He kept labouring the point that he was off tinder. He no longer appeared as a match of mine at this point.

Just downloaded tinder again for another try as he has not been in touch. Guess who I found? He has even changed his photos. So still an active user.

Why why WHY do they have to tell so many lies. I feel like an idiot. If he had just said he wanted to meet me without any expectations, I would have been ok as I was liking the company. But he has to mention future meetings, even something way off in the future he was talking about.

Why do they have to talk a load of shit and now I feel like an idiot. He didnt even have to mention coming off tinder, I wasnt going to ask.

I feel like superliking so he knows I know he is still there. kidding.

LesisMiserable Mon 10-Oct-16 08:39:52

If youre not bothered why are you bothered? Also to point out the obvious - youve not been in touch with each other so youre both back on Tinder. Seems pretty straight forward.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 08:56:26

I feel like haven't I given you lots of advice about this man already? On the dating thread?

I think it's about way more than just this guy. You said you were lonely and want to settle down. I think you hear what you want from this guy because it's nice but you don't know him at all enough to put your faith in him that he's genuine.

Also if this is the guy who is training to be a doctor I still think it sounds like he's not at a settle down stage and is not really focusing on relationships. Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't and no one will ever know.

MorrisZapp Mon 10-Oct-16 09:01:32

I get it op. I haven't dated for literally decades but I remember this crap only too well.

You're having a great time, no massive expectations, but HE starts in with the future planning and the grandiose statements.

Then he drops off the face of the earth. When you bump into him in a pub three months later he says yeah sorry it was just getting a bit serious and I'm not really up for that.

then you shag him again

Cabrinha Mon 10-Oct-16 09:25:32

Why do so many people say "and I was OK with that" when it seems obvious from their post that they want more?

You are not clingy or needy or uncool, or going to scare off the right man, by saying "OK, thanks for being honest about what you want, now I know what you're loooking for I can see that I don't want to meet again - because although by nature of dating there'll be short term fun along the way, I'm looking for something committed and long term. Good bye and good luck".

Don't waste your time on men who don't want the same thing as you. Yeah, he messed you about a bit - but he was also pretty clear what he did and didn't want. Which included someone who was going to be cross at being let down hmm What a cock! I've been in mutually casual situations, and in those still expect manners.

And don't be so quick to think a man paying on a date in some kind of ✅ tickbox good thing. Arseholes pay to impress just as often as nice men do.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 10:03:13

I agree.
He told you from the start he would most likely let you down. He had let lots of other people down. Then he did let you down.
I think you were just not the person to sweep him off his feet and make life changes for - but it's not the movies and that's an unrealistic scenario

PastoralCare Mon 10-Oct-16 10:24:25

If a man is on Tinder, by definition he is not into serious relationships.

No surprises there.

TheNaze73 Mon 10-Oct-16 10:35:08

I think you just need to move on. There were so many things about him, that you chose to ignore.

1) he's said don't come off of Tinder?
2) he's been "busy at work"
3) it's Tinder after all!
4) future meetings, are only that. Surely?

I think take this as a harsh lesson learnt. He's basically spelt it out that he doesn't want anything serious. I think you've read the signals wrong.

There are better placed people than me to advise on OD but, with the odd exception I've read on here, Tinder isn't the place to meet what you want. You should also be more honest with yourself, it isn't needy admitting what you want. In your OP you've said you were happy with just dating but, your post does suggest otherwise.

Move on & good luck

RaspberryBeret34 Mon 10-Oct-16 10:45:05

Sorry that happened OP. I do think some people get off on messing people about! It rings alarm bells for me if anyone you are dating goes on and on about coming off OLD. I have found the decent guys just do it and either not mention it at all as you just both know you're on the same page or they just mention briefly. Same as men who go on about how honest they are - always (in my experience) liars!!

It sounds to me like he just wanted you to come off Tinder so that he could pick you up and put you down as suited him, safe in the knowledge that you weren't dating anyone else.

PastoralCare, that hasn't been my experience that men on Tinder are never looking for something serious. I've been with someone nearly a year who I met on Tinder (he hadn't had a relationship or dated for a while and a bit nervous about it all so Tinder was an easy way to try it). I also had a few dates with a guy from Tinder also (as far as I could tell of course) looking for a serious relationship. I do think you have to be careful with all OLD though and need to look at actions more than words. Some of the biggest dickheads I met were from paid sites.

QueenLizIII Mon 10-Oct-16 11:59:27


You're having a great time, no massive expectations, but HE starts in with the future planning and the grandiose statements.

That's exactly it. I didnt expect anything at all. When our first date ended I was comfortable with the fact that I may not see him again and just shrugged.

Then he took me out again the next day toasted our 2nd date made grandiose statements and future date olanning i found i went from not bothered to I like this actually this would be nice.
There just is no need to stir up this shit that you have no intention of following on with.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 18:02:54

That's because he wants to pull you in. It's called a hook. He has learnt that this hook works on women. It's literally saying all the things people want to hear, to get them hooked and involved and invested.

That's why people say that any kind of future planning is a red flag because it's unrealistic and just being said to obtain a certain outcome - sex or an ego boost. He wanted someone to spend the weekend with and flattered you with all kinds of perfect sentiments, so you did spend the whole weekend with him which is unusual for a first date really isn't it?

QueenLizIII Mon 10-Oct-16 19:05:28

Well it was Friday and Sunday. He had something on saturday with work.

I dont get all the hooks later on down the line. I am not on Tinder anymore, I really like you, we should meet again...after the sex. He'd had it. No reason to say all these things after the fact.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 19:18:27

Well it made him feel less like had used you for sex? Which it sounds like he did and then gave you some flannel to make it seem more genuine,

QueenLizIII Mon 10-Oct-16 19:37:28

The flannel wasnt needed. It really wasnt. As i said i was comfortable just to shrug after date 1 if i never heard again.

niceupthedance Mon 10-Oct-16 19:55:29

But it makes them feel better about things. "I did like her, I'm just too busy at work blah blah".

Also, he basically said he was looking to date people who would be ok with being let down last minute and you said you were fine with it?!

Don't get me wrong, I met the worst bullshitters OLD, it's infuriating. Just gotta keep on trucking.

Ps: I met my dp of over a year on tinder, it's not just hook ups.

Justaboy Mon 10-Oct-16 20:00:09

Knew what the end of that would be before i got half way downsad

So sad for the OP!

PoldarksBreeches Mon 10-Oct-16 20:00:44

If a man is on Tinder, by definition he is not into serious relationships

Why do people say things like this?
I have dated 3 guys from tinder and they have all been looking for a relationship. Tinder is not just a hook up site, it's a regular dating site. Meaning you get everything from the wannabe husbands to the serial shaggers by way of the just lookings and the poly looking for a thirds. It's just a vehicle to meet people, and the people you meet are as different as people are.

Czerny88 Mon 10-Oct-16 20:04:26

I get exactly what you mean. I don't understand why men lie so much, either. And it's not nice to be strung along or deceived, even if you're not that into someone (of course it's even worse if you are).

One of my exes went to great lengths to conceal the fact that he had a flatmate. Why would you do that?!

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 20:12:22

We just explained why. To get sex. To convince themselves they are nice guys when they know they are being manipulative. The thing is you can learn to spot and avoid the signs. If someone is over flattering you when they only just met you and making all kinds of wild promises it's not going to end well.

QueenLizIII Mon 10-Oct-16 20:14:42

I have to say the worst guys I've met who lied, and cheated were from expensive paid sites like EHarmony.

Also, he basically said he was looking to date people who would be ok with being let down last minute and you said you were fine with it?!

Yes. Because he is a hospital doctor. he said he has had to cancel dates last second as he couldnt get out of work dealing with an emergency. What is he supposed to do? You cant get mad at someone for cancelling last second under those circumstances, it isnt personal. So of course I would understand.

LesisMiserable Mon 10-Oct-16 20:27:41

I met my other half on Tinder. Apparently according to this thread he simply can't have been looking for a relationship hmm funny then how we've been together 2 years and are getting married.

Ridiculous sweeping statements aside, I can't see he's done anything wrong to be honest, apart from possibly change his mind a couple of dates in. And….. that's how dating goes, isn't it?

RaspberryBeret34 Tue 11-Oct-16 10:09:16

I think they do the future faking stuff to hook you in as has been mentioned then do more future faking to keep you around in case they want you again. Their ultimate is to have you at their beck and call - not dating others and being willing to accept flakey behaviour from them. To be fair I've only met 2 men who did this out of 28 dates! I also think there is an element of them wanting to have sex but with a "nice girl who wouldn't have sex without some serious effort on the mans part" (they haven't caught up with the fact that the amount of sex a woman does or doesn't want is in no way linked to their "niceness"!) so it's like a whole game.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 11-Oct-16 10:36:05

Raspberry is right about keeping you on the hook. They usually return at some point out of the blue. Also it's a very small number of men who have this terrible pattern

IreallyKNOWiamright Tue 11-Oct-16 10:46:12

Sounds like he is married and his wife discovered him on there. He sounds like a dick. I'd stay clear.

CalmItKermitt Tue 11-Oct-16 10:54:20

Thing is they're not always necessarily lying as such. Men get carried away too.

Then for whatever reason you miss a few dates, life happens, the buzz wears off, you see someone else on Tinder you fancy....

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