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Fed up & need a rant

(25 Posts)
Cakedoesntjudge Sun 09-Oct-16 22:36:21

I am a single parent and have been since EXDP left 4 years ago. I'm one of those people who is genuinely very comfortable being in my own company after 5 years in a miserable relationship and I'm not actively looking for somebody as I have other priorities. I tried dating for a while and just found it time consuming!

I am sick to the back teeth of being asked to defend that stance and being told to lower my standards and find someone to settle down with.

In particular there is one guy who is close friends with EXDP and is a bit of a car crash romantically in that he flits from woman to woman, falls head over heels in 5 minutes and then is beside himself when it doesn't work out. Every few months since EXDP left he messages me hitting on me and asking me out. I have tried to be very polite as it's a small town and we invariably bump into each other now and again. Plus he's a not a bad bloke just not someone who I'd be interested in romantically. But I'm running out of ways to politely but firmly say no!

I have tried
- I'm not dating right now because I'm busy/focusing on DS
- I'm seeing someone else
- I'm happy on my own
- I don't see him that way, especially due to his close proximity with EXDP
There have been others but I can't remember them right now. I have also tried just flat out ignoring the messages but that gets very awkward when we bump into each other.

And tonight he's sent another message. I appreciate there's worse things in the world but this is driving me nuts! After 4 years why can't he just get the message? It actually irritates me that he thinks it's ok. I don't want to be mean or rude but I don't think I should continually have to say no!

I'm not really going anywhere with this it's just really wound me up and I wanted to blow off some steam!

ayeokthen Sun 09-Oct-16 22:37:44

I'd suggest sending this in response:

TheNaze73 Sun 09-Oct-16 22:39:02

I agree with the above

Cakedoesntjudge Sun 09-Oct-16 22:51:59


Oh that is so so so tempting. I think I have reached the point where I'm going to have to worry less about being polite about it haven't I?

ayeokthen Sun 09-Oct-16 22:53:16

Cake after 4 years I'd probably have punched him in the face but obviously shouldn't condone violence blah blah you must have the patience of a saint!!!!

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 09-Oct-16 22:54:29

Can you not block his number op?

ayeokthen Sun 09-Oct-16 22:54:42

These any good?

allthatnonsense Sun 09-Oct-16 23:00:35

"I've tried to be kind, really I have, but you leave me no choice... it's a no and it will always be a no."

LateDad Sun 09-Oct-16 23:07:31

Try ... "Right now you are in the Friend Zone. Would you like to be in the Enemy Zone"? grin

forumdonkey Sun 09-Oct-16 23:09:12

I had this with someone I knew all the way through school and even 7 years after we briefly dated he was pestering for 'just a drink' I'd been polite, I'd been blunt, and he was still persistent. I felt a bit bad because he'd apologized for a text I really took offense with, but for me there was no changing my mind despite the offer of holidays, weekends away. In the end I just ignored him, which I hated doing because I think it's imature and rude, but I'd tried everything else and so far it's been 6 months smile

Cakedoesntjudge Sun 09-Oct-16 23:25:35

You guys have brightened up my mood considerably!

I love all the pictures, and the no and it always will be line would make me feel like Simon Cowell on X factor - all tempting!

He is definitely out the friendship zone and well on his way towards the enemy zone!

I've done the ignoring before, and I'm definitely ignoring it at least for tonight while I consider how abrupt to be but I don't think it would work any better long term, he is frequently at EXDP's house and opens the door when I drop DS off - actually maybe I should bring it up then, EXDP would hit the roof grin

With regards to blocking his number - I never gave him my new one when I changed it years ago, he has switched to the ever annoying medium of Facebook messenger. Made more annoying in that he can see I've read it. Though now you've mentioned it I suppose I could just block him on there too and then just brazen it out when we do bump into each other!

And the point about it being 4 bloody years is a fair one too. It's not like I'm Eva bloody langoria or similar (mores the pity). Back when I first met him, prior to being with EXDP it used to make me and my friends laugh (we all worked together) that he would have this relentless loop of spending a month chasing each of us saying exactly the same things and never giving up assuming we didn't discuss it - he used the same lines and everything! It's been about 9 years since then and he doesn't seem to have changed his MO much bless him!

ChuckBiscuits Sun 09-Oct-16 23:29:17

What about the old classic 'who is this?'

pictish Sun 09-Oct-16 23:40:52

Hi Xxx - I have to be straight with you and tell you that I don't want to date you, so I'm going to say no. I'm not actively looking for a relationship anyway. I hope you meet someone who is and who you click with, soon. Regards, Cake.

How about that?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Oct-16 00:02:23

Keep it simple

"What part of no do you not understand?"

That should do it. Now ask yourself why you are trying not to lose his good will. The guy is a grade A jerk.

LellyMcKelly Mon 10-Oct-16 06:48:18

Hi xxx, I do not want to date you. Not now, not ever. I do not like you asking me out so stop it now. Regards, etc

KatieScarlett Mon 10-Oct-16 06:50:32

Shit, AF beat me to it. That phrase has seen me through life grin

TheSparrowhawk Mon 10-Oct-16 07:16:28

So this man has harassed you for four years and you're still trying to be polite to him?? I hope this experience at least gives a better understanding of why we need feminism - your training as a woman is so strong that you are entirely unable to stand up for yourself.

Tell him that you do not and will not ever want to go out with him, so stop messaging right now. Screenshot the message. If he contacts you again tell him you are reporting him for harassment.

ChuckBiscuits Mon 10-Oct-16 07:46:49

just brazen it out when we do bump into each other!

Brazen it out? Why what is he going to do?

Next time you drop your child off at your exes and he opens it just say 'I have blocked you on all social media - I am just not interested and nor have I ever been so if you contact me once more, which includes hanging around my exes to open the door to me, I will be going to the police and taking further steps'.

0dfod Mon 10-Oct-16 07:46:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Mon 10-Oct-16 11:34:34

She's on friendly terms with this trier overall and so far has offered him platitudes and reasons as to why she has turned him down. She hasn't actually said, "I'm not attracted to you."
Telling him to fuck off or threatening to report him for harassment is a bit fucking much imo. The man is allowed to ask...and if she keeps feeding him transient reasons for the no, he'll keep coming back.

"I'm not attracted to you and it's not going to happen."

TheSparrowhawk Mon 10-Oct-16 13:16:46

Is it your opinion so pictish that it's normal and acceptable for someone to keep asking someone out over and over and over for four years despite never getting any indication that the other person is interested?

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Mon 10-Oct-16 13:18:34

He obviously doesn't care about your feelings, so I wouldn't worry about his.

'I don't find you attractive and I'd never want to date you.'

Job done. Hopefully.

Cakedoesntjudge Mon 10-Oct-16 14:19:55

I'm on the app so can't work out how to go back to check everyone's names - sorry!

I did start off using some indirect excuses to say no and I'll admit that wasn't the brightest idea, but as I did say, I have said things such as I don't see you that way, I will only ever see us as friends bla bla bla. Up until this point I haven't wanted to be rude about it because we were on friendly terms for a long time. I have however, made it quite clear that I am not interested in him romantically. I do still have some mutual friends from that group and every time it comes up they groan and ask why he does it to himself with women (I am fully aware as I also said before that I am not the only person he does this too).

I know I've made it sound like I'm a complete doormat but I'm really not. I've had issues with a bloke I currently work with (who is engaged!!) who has acted similarly but who I've never considered myself to be on particularly friendly terms with and I've had no issues at all calling him out on that and pointing out how bang out of order he has been. I'm just finding this harder because of the history of being friends, albeit not close ones.

And to be fair, although I really do hate that there are definitely a small percentage of men that seem to think they can wear down women into dating them by constantly asking, I think it says more about them than anything else. It is unacceptable to not respect a woman saying no and I don't argue with that but I would be far too proud to constantly get rejected by asking someone out who I knew wasn't interested. It's always seemed very bizarre to me when I've come across men like that. I think it's quite sad in a way, he is so desperate to settle down and has been since I met him, he just goes about it in completely the wrong way.

Having said all that I do think that as much as I don't think he's a bad person and didn't want to be harsh with a response, I think you're all right with the consensus that this has been going on long enough. I need to put on my big girl pants and stop worrying about ending up on bad terms with someone I have very limited interaction with. There were some really good replies so I'm going to go with something similar to them, thank you smile

Wibblywobblyfoo Mon 10-Oct-16 21:30:06

Tell him to jog on

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 10-Oct-16 21:51:23

If I remember correctly, there was a Friends episode where one of the women responded to one of the men declaring his love for her with "Oh MansName, you don't love me, you just want to have sex with me and I won't. It's different."

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