I'm at an impasse with my ex. I want to tell him to F right off and never see him again, I'm just sick of him, but I know I need to do what is best for DD. We have been "co-parenting" but it's becoming increasingly clear we can't "co" anything.
I'd really like some impartial advice, I am getting plenty from friends and family, but I feel everyone is too involved emotionally and I'm going round in circles in my head. I'm sorry if this is long, I will try and stick to points.
I split with exH 3 years ago. We have DD who is 5 and just started school.
We split because he was emotionally abusive and controlling. He was also no support at home or with DD and we hadn't had sex in over a year. I was working, did everything at home and for DD and also felt like an empty shell.
When we first split he went to counselling and hypnotherapy for depression and for a pornography addiction. When I made it clear I wasn't going back, he stopped going.
The good thing from the split was he became more involved with DD. He wanted to "co-parent" badly. They are now really close. He has her 2 days and two nights each week, plus one afternoon.
His work schedule is very sporadic. It meant while she was at nursery, his days and nights with her changed a lot. I always tried to be flexible to help promote their relationship but we did have a few rows when I got sick of having to arrange my work/childcare and social life around his work as he would chop and change all the time.
He has always been very moody. Sometimes on handovers he is silent and cross and I never know why. He admitted once, it's just because he wakes up some mornings and hates me.
I have a new partner, who I love very much and he makes me very happy. He moved in with DD and I a few months ago. Ex hates him even though he's never met him and says this is due to jealousy that he gets to spend time with DD. We suspect he badmouths BF to DD because of things she says sometimes, although we never ask her as we don't want her to feel loyalty is split.
Since BF moved in, my relationship with ex has deteriorated a lot and at the moment there are 3 issues.
The main one is, I want ex to stick to one week night and one weekend night now DD has started school and to stop switching his nights around, which he thinks is unreasonable.
The second one is Christmas. The last two, DD has stayed at each of our houses on xmas eve. The other parent has gone over to do the mince pies for santa thing and then returned at 6am to see her open presents. This has been awkward both times but doable because our relationship wasn't as bad as it is now. Ex wants to do the same again this year for DD's sake. I want to do what is best for DD but I don't know if I can do this.
The other is who she spends her birthday with. I wanted him to pick her up at 2pm so DD could have a nice birthday lunch at home, he wanted 1pm. I offered 1.30pm as a compromise, this resulted in him trying to argue in front of DD. When I wanted to end conversation because she was there, I got verbal abuse.
I want to be fair but I am finding it hard to know what is best for DD. Friends and family are starting to advise me that I be firmer with him and keep DD at home with me more. Even though I hate not having her with me, I've always believed it fairer to both of them for things to be relatively equal but some things concern me:
Without giving too many details away that would out us, he got into trouble during the summer and ended up having to pay out thousands of pounds, which he'd saved for a house deposit. It's hard to sympathise with what happened but he didn't accept responsibility for it.
Despite us arguing at the time he rang me hysterical in the middle of the night in a bad way as he genuinely has no one else. He has fallen out with most of his friends and only really has his parents. When he and DD are together, they only have each other. Sometimes when she speaks, she sounds like his peer or even carer.
He says DD is his only source of happiness and admits he is still depressed.
He has said to me on a number of occasions that when DD is old enough to be more independent he will just end it all.
He lets his flat get into a state. The toilets get so bad they go brown. Her bedroom is joined to the bathroom, which obviously never gets aired and it smells damp and musty.
A few months ago, she was sick at his and he had no calpol so I had to go round with some. He had no spare pyjamas, just an old onesie I gave him when she was 18 months with the feet cut off. He has a lot more disposable income than I do so can afford more pyjamas. Her room was an awful mess and I hated leaving her there. I'd have taken her home if she hadn't fallen asleep when I was trying to tidy up.
Lately, she has started to say she doesn't want to stay there. She wants to see him but doesn't like her bed or her room. She said she finds it hard to sleep because she gets cold. There have been two occasions when he has called me because she is upset and wants to come home. I am to blame for this of course.
During a brief amicable period last month, he told me he'd gone on a rare night out, fell out with one of the few friends he has left, and drove 40 miles home drunk.
When he picked her up from school recently, he told me another driver was being impatient with school traffic and ex deliberately slowed down to 'prove a point' and the other driver got out of the car to try to fight with ex while DD was in the car.
Ex regularly asks to meet so we can discuss why I was responsible for the end of our marriage as he feels this is the only way he can move on. I always say no as I feel we have had this conversation before and when we have discussions like this, it always ends badly. I feel like he bullies me and tried to catch me off guard.
The atmoshophere is horrible whenever I see him. It's been three years, it's just getting worse and I don't want to have to be around someone who makes me feel like this. I want to move on. I want it to be more business like, but it's increasingly bitter.
How can you "co-parent" with someone when it's like this? I don't think you can.
I don't know what is best for DD when it comes to xmas? Do we need to split it down the middle? Do I need to do what my family say and tell him how it is?
Do I need to go legal? If I did, what would I do and what would happen?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
increasingly bitter relationship with ex
gretagoodhouse · 09/10/2016 21:55
OP, I'm sorry I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like a nightmare.
It's reminiscent of how my exH was for the first two years. It was awful. The only thing that changed is that he met his gf and things turned around. I also got into therapy and untangled the history between me and exH and it helped to take the emotion out for me. Took that awful feeling of desperation away.
I hope you get some good advice. I'm sure you will. He isn't reasonable. You and he are still in an abusive relationship. Sending you strength.
That's how these types work, please don't feel bad about it. I was scared of mine too. So much of it is smoke and mirrors though. I understand how you feel, I really do - you are so not in the wrong and have more power than you think you do .
Honestly, call Women's Aid and get some advice. If you can afford it, look at getting some time with a solicitor. And don't be ashamed to rely on your friends and family for support. You can do it.
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Oh that's brilliant greta, so pleased you've taken that first step - your family sound lovely and supportive which will make all the difference.
Your ex will kick off but forewarned is forearmed - you're absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck
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