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Going round in circles

(11 Posts)
witsend2906 Sun 09-Oct-16 15:47:16

This is my first time posting and I'm fully aware I might get some grief over what I'm about to post but I'm at my wits end.

I e been married for 4 years, with my DH for 7. We met whilst I was in the midst of a messy divorce coming out of an abusive relationship and he seemed everything I needed. Stable, straight laced and safe. I fell pregnant after 6 months after which we soon got married and then i fell pregnant again immediately after. During my second pregnancy he had his first breakdown. Apparently over stress at work but had 4 months off, was a complete vegetable and I had to do everything. Work full time, deal with a 2 yr old and a difficult pregnancy. He recovered on antidepressants and Diazapan but since then our relationship has deteriorated.
He has never really been affectionate, is not open to feelings or emotions and we have not had sex for a year. For the 2 years prior to that I could probably count of one hand the number of times we had. And even then, sex has always been a bit awkward.
He's had another couple of minor breakdowns and is extremely self obsessed. Does nothing around the house. Happy to lay about watching tv all day. I sort all the house chores, finances, stuff for kids, homework etc and work full time in a very demanding job.
Last year at my sisters wedding I remember distinctly feeling like I should be so in love and happy still but wasn't. I felt depressed.
Anyway I started a new job in January and felt I got my spark back a bit. To cut a long story short I ended up meeting someone who I instantly connected with. We have been seeing each other for 6 months and I admit I have fallen in love. It's been tearing me apart and I recently started counselling on my own to understand what is going on which is helping. Ultimately I know I probably need to leave. There is a history of depression in his family and I look at his parents relationship and think my god I don't want that. But I feel so guilty for 2 reasons. One because of the kids. They are my world. Second because I have betrayed my marriage and because the communication breakdown with DH is so bad that I haven't even told him how unhappy I am. We live like coparents and that's it. We never talk about anything to do with our relationship or how we are feeling. Both as bad as each other.
I'm going to try and talk to him tonight but don't even know where to start. I feel sick. Sorry for the long post but I feel so stuck.

Kokeshi80 Sun 09-Oct-16 17:21:41

You poor thing. I so hear what your saying. I'm new to this stuff too I've posted something a little similar earlier, lots of people On here have so much great advice others tell it in black and white and to me sometimes feels a bit abrupt and not what I want to hear but that's the price to pay when you post in public forums and its interesting to read others views. Can put everything into perspective.

At the end of the day as hard as it may be, follow your heart. Life is too short, I often look at couples and long for that romance and love, I may have found it, early days and huge obstacles that's my issues but YOU deserve to be HAPPY.

witsend2906 Sun 09-Oct-16 20:34:09

Thanks. I just feel like I don't know my own mind anymore. I just know I'm desperately unhappy

offside Sun 09-Oct-16 20:40:30

Hmm not sure I agree with the "oh you poor thing". You're completely in control of your actions, your DH is the victim, not you.

I appreciate times a have been difficult but you really should've acted like a responsible adult and told your DH that you wasn't happy and that you wanted to seperate/divorce. You chose not to. Now your children have to deal with the all mighty fall out which could've been avoided had you not embarked on an affair.

You need to put your big girl pants on and tell your DH that it's over.

Wibblywobblyfoo Mon 10-Oct-16 21:34:31

You need to make a decision and stick to it. His depression can't be easy to deal with but don't blame him for the the choices you gave made.

TheNaze73 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:04:48

Sounds like a classic case of settling & going in too quickly.

As kokeshi said, life is too short. Can't see what's left for you here.

Sounds like you need some you time, to find out what you actually want

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:07:32

Unfortunately when he was ill you turned into his mother and it as been easier and more to his advantage for it to stay that way.
He isn't a dh.

Daydream007 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:12:31

Sounds like you need to leave. It's no good for you or the children being in such an unhappy relationship. Your mental health is important too.

witsend2906 Mon 10-Oct-16 22:13:43

Thanks everyone. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I chickened out of talking last night. I just can't seem to get the words out. Probably because we haven't spoken like husband and wife for so long. I've arranged for my mum to have the kids overnight in a couple of weeks as I'm worried how he'll react and don't want them to hear or be involved so will tackle it then.
The counselling g has been invaluable and I'm starting to understand how things have gone wrong. I just feel like such a failure.

Cabrinha Tue 11-Oct-16 07:26:52

Are you going to stop having the affair whilst you see your counsellor and talk to your husband?

It sounds like the marriage was a huge mistake and your choices were driven by the previous bad marriage.

But you need to stop being so passive. You "fell pregnant"? Twice, quickly - no, you don't "fall" you chose to be pregnant - either deliberately, or by not taking care, or by not terminating. You need to own your actions. Including the current cheating, which you should stop.

End your marriage, keep up your counselling, end things with the man you're cheating with until you are SINGLE and then don't move in with him, marry him, or choose to be pregnant by him for at least 2 years.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 11-Oct-16 09:08:44

You need to stop the affair because as history has already shown you can't see clearly when you are feeling low and lonely and vulnerable and this 'love' might not be what you think either, just like it wasn't with your DH. If he's right for you he will wait, won't he? You seem to keep repeating this pattern.

Your DH might not be the love of your life but as he is already depressed and unwell I think the right thing to do is not make him feel that this is all his fault and you have found someone better. You will have to co-parent with him and you need to grow the balls to be honest about where you have also gone wrong here. You can stop the failure feeling by taking charge of what you know is the right way to go about this

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