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Is three months on still 'early days' after a marriage breakdown?

(11 Posts)
tryingmybest010 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:22:43

My dh has left me, deciding that marriage, house and family wasn't for him. He is currently travelling around South America with money his father has given him. Together 9 years, married for 4, we had started ttc. I am 35.

All of this was three months ago. I have few but very supportive friends, am financially independent, work in a job I love with lovely colleagues who give me lots of support. I am keeping busy as much as I can, meet friends, have started learning a new hobby. Legal stuff is being sorted. There are phases where I am happy, but the 'why' is still my first thought in the moment every day. I am tearing up at the smallest things, songs on the radio etc. I see colleagues in happy second marriages or with new partners after divorce, but I don't seem to be able to imagine this for myself.

Am I putting too much pressure on me 'being ok' or should I have come to terms with it by now?

Cary2012 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:30:46

Still early days, don't expect too much. You're having phases when you feel happy, that's good. These phases will grow and last longer.

There is no set 'grief span', it simply takes as long as it takes.

If you're going out, keeping busy and looking to the future more than dwelling on the past, you'll be fine.

My divorce was four years ago, after twenty years of marriage, and I still occasionally wake up in the mornings feeling disbelief. But mostly it's fine, I just push forward and strive to be positive and happy. x

daisychain01 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:31:17

In honesty, there is no time limit on either marriage breakup or bereavement, despite people measuring thing by time on the calendar. You'll hear people theorising, but at the end of the day, your personal circumstances will influence the speed at which your brain and emotions process the shock.

If it was a bolt out of the blue, that your DH decided to put a bomb under your marriage, it will be shock for a long time. If it was on the cards for years, you would have been going through a more gradual process of separation so it will feel like a different kind of shock.

Don't put yourself under pressure to conform to others' expectations. Take the time you need. See it as a process, good days, awful days. Sorry you're going thru it, it sounds v painful.

MostlyHet Sun 09-Oct-16 09:37:29

Hell yes! Very early days indeed OP - be kind to yourself, allow yourself really crap days. Yes, sometimes "putting your game face on" is what you need to get you through the day, but ssometimes you just need to let yourself have a huge wobble.

user1470579884 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:41:46

Gawd early days, I'm still freaking out big time and having massive panic attacks, crying fits, unable to imagine the future etc etc. It's awful. Don't be so hard on yourself.

MsVestibule Sun 09-Oct-16 09:42:24

I would consider it very early days!! Did it come completely out of the blue?

user1470579884 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:42:25

And I had to go to GP for meds so I wasn't having panic attacks 24/7.

nephrofox Sun 09-Oct-16 09:42:44

Very early days, particularly with Xmas coming up. I'd give it at least 6 months, probably a year

Mike84 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:44:01

You will have bad days and good days but ultimately with time you will see things improve for yourself especially how your feeling. Try not to think on terms of time, instead take each day as it comes and i guarantee before you know it you eill have moved on

tryingmybest010 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:51:44

Thank you everyone. Yes, completely out of the blue, but maybe I was just blind as there must have been signs I've missed. He simply decided our life didn't work for him. Christmas is freaking me out a little; I loved the long dark evenings, snuggled up on the sofa with mulled wine and a film.

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes. I am very happy go lucky in public and wonder whether some people think it doesn't phase me at all.

TheNaze73 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:19:10

Don't be too hard on yourself. 3 months is no time at all. Every day will get slightly better though flowers

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