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Is our relationship doomed?(12 Posts)
Me and DH have been together nearly 10 years and have 2 DD aged 5 and 3. We don't share a bed, this started when DD2 was born and he worked long hours, DD was a bad sleeper etc, plus he snores! 3 years later we have just got into the habit of not sleeping in the same bed. Also, we never have sex ( I can't remember the last time we did), there is no kissing, no cuddling, no intimacy or affection in our relationship at all.
We are both very busy, both have full time jobs, DH regularly puts in a lot of extra hours. And my hobby takes me out the house 3 times a week when he does get home. At weekends we prioritise doing things with the kids, we never go out just the two of us.
Does this sound like our relationship is ultimately doomed? We do live more like friends/flat mates I know this. What happens when the kids are older and move out, will we have anything left? Or Is it ok to live like this, is it normal in some relationships?
Would you want for your DDs to have the same type of relationship when they are adults? Are you happy with the current way things are? Do you talk, laugh, have fun together at all? Does your DH say anything about the situation?
I think you know the answers to the questions you pose in your post. But I think of you love each ither and are willing to work at it you can probably move forward and find a happier way to love together.
It's not about how thing are, it's about how you both want things to be.
Do you want things to be different? Does he want things to be different?
Assuming you want the emotional and physical intimacy back in your relationship and to improve your marriage, I think it's worth having the conversation to find out if he does. Have a few ideas of the changes you can make that can increase your connection.
One of the ways I've found of opening a conversation about change without sounding accusatory or negative is something along the lines of:
"I love you very much but I've realised our relationship isn't as close as it used to be and I want to get that back. I've been thinking and have a few ideas on what we can do if you want to hear them. I don't want to put you on the spot as I know this conversation is unexpected and you've not had time to think but could we talk later when you have had chance?"
If you don't make time for yourselves as a couple, you'll eventually drift apart and then it'll be over.
You aren't intimate and don't see much of each other. You've prioritised everything except the two of you. You might as well be coparents living together.
If this goes on for years to come, you'll find you have absolutely no emotional connection and nothing to talk about when the kids leave home and that's when many couples just get divorced. Because the kids were the only thing keeping them together.
I see men describe the same situation and when they get attention from a PYT, they talk of feeling alive again.
Try and arrange a babysitter and suprise your DH with a night out. Dinner and a show or a film. Take the opportunity to talk about the state of your marriage and the lack of intimacy.
Plan regular date nights. Even once a month. If you have relatives to take the kids overnight, then do that and get away for a romantic overnight in a hotel.
Work together on rekindling the flame.
Have you asked him about it? Are you happy?
I think everyone can get into a rut. DP would love to go out more than me but organising and paying for a babysitter just seems like too much effort on top of all the other shit I have to do.
Are you co-sleeping or just in a different room? Could you do a "big bedroom reorganisation" so the kids got their own rooms and you and DP yours? Maybe do "your" bedroom up?
I can't see how a relationship can last like this simply because you're living almost completely separate lives. Obviously it depends on your partner but some men would use this as an excuse to sleep with someone else. Not that that's appropriate but there you go. Amazing how self pitying some people can be.
If I were you I'd look at building in some more time together if you can, even if it isn't very often. Just to keep the flame burning. Unless you're comfortable with things slowly fizzing out to a natural end, which would be ok in its own way too.
I don't think the relationship is doomed if you both want to save it. But you need to take action and make some changes now!
What do you in the evening when the kids go to bed?
From a guys point of view it sounds like the beginning of the end. My wife and i are going through something similar. I've tried talking with her and made an effort on 1001 different occasions but nothing. I recently caught her trying to illicit an affair with a colleague. Long story short our marriage is all but over. We've been pretty much housemates with kids for the last 4 years.
We recently had a rare conversation. I tried to get her to open up but she didn't want to know and pretends as if everything is fine. For us its the beginning of the end.....
I used to think this is how relationships go when you have kids until she admitted shes no longer in love with me. Time to move on and let go.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it seems theres mor to DH situation than meets the eye. Not necessarily an affair but somethings wrong and if theres only 1 person trying to make an effort in the relationship it won't be long until it heads the way of my marriage. I wish you all the best but you need to do what makes you happy. If your content and "it'll do" then ok. But i suggest moving on to better your life and your childrens. An unhappy home will destroy the home more than starting a new.
If you are both happy with things as they are then that is entirely fine - there is no blueprint for a relationship; every one is different.
If one of you is not happy with it, then it is time to talk.
Thanks to everyone for replying. We do talk but I just get the feeling he doesn't like me much, obviously doesn't fancy me anymore and lacks respect. The kids will always be his priority as he admits, and mine too, I just can't break up their home.
You say you talk but have you actually talked about your relationship or is it just day-to-day 'whose turn is it to put the bins out' stuff? Perhaps it's worth an awkward conversation to see what he thinks about it all? Joysmum's wording is good.
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