Ladies (and gents), I'd love to hear your opinion on what course of action to take.
I have a 1.2yr baby boy. About 4/5 months ago, I went through a depressive/anxiety episode. It may have started earlier but I was too caught up in a new born to realise. I was properly diagnosed 1m ago, and actually have significantly improved my mental state since, with counselling (alone), learning to sleep properly, more positivity at work, seeing more friends etc.
The result of that, and the reappearance of my mother in my life (I wanted my son to have a relationship with her), and she is a very difficult character, meant that I was NOT coping well with life, and the effect of that was that I took it all out on my partner (10 years, very peaceful and happy, not married, planned child together).
I accused him of cheating (he didn't), I woke him up in the middle of the night to argue. I said he was an awful father (he is a bit crap, but probably no worse than many other new fathers), I walked out a couple of times, I threw him out, and forced him to move out... All very crazy girlfriend behaviour, and I'm sure not entirely uncommon but very out of character for me. He's emotionally a complete avoider, and cannot bear any sort of confrontation, and I think he could not cope with seeing someone he loved treating him like that. That said he didn't help the situation by communicating or being generally supportive in a more obvious way (e.g. He'd buy me a cake when he thought I was upset when really I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me).
Anyway, result of all of this is that he broke up with me a few weeks ago. His exact words then was that he could not see how he could carry on with me in a relationship, certainly not now... Since then he's said several times that he just does not have hope that we can rescue things. He was also extremely angry with me, and for a while we could not even speak a civil sentence. Though I think we are over the main anger now, and he says he just feels bad for me but he can't change his mind.
I was heartbroken, I loved, and probably still love him deeply. We were really best friends, and got on so well (even at the worst, we'd still have the odd wonderful evening together, though often with friends). However whilst I recognise that I love him, I also see that perhaps there is no future for us, and feel that I can move on. He's tried to be involved in our sons life still but he doesn't live with us, does no bedtimes, night wakings, and we have no set weekend child sharing plan (mostly because we had lots of things planned together and we still wanted to go to them together with our son). He lives in a flat close by (I can tell if he's home) we rented for our family (empty except for him now), and has rather passively aggressively removed my key without me knowing so I can no longer go in (though I did go in to pick fights a few times and he really didn't like that). I live in a flat with our son.
He comes in every morning (he still has a key) and plays with our son for 10/20 minutes before he goes to work (works late), and occasionally lets himself in (with notice) at the wkd if we have plans together.
Our friends who know us tell me that I should be patient, he's still hurt and angry and is more than happy to ditch most of he childcare duties and hit the town every night for a while, but he will realise what a fool he's being when he's friends, all of whom are dads, can't go out every night, and will come back and reconcile, as we really did have a very happy history together and are generally very compatible. They say I should try to stay strong for me, him and our son, let him enjoy his time with us (he still would like to see me and our son together, but also happy just to take the baby), and he will realise that he was actually quite happy and it was my mental state that led to the breakdown, and when I'm better (which I feel I am) we can work things out. I also notice that he has kept momentos of our time together in his flat, and got me birthday presents, and hasn't been overly keen to tell anyone that we have split (though could be embarrassment that he left the mother of his baby). I also said that if he thinks it's over he needs to return the keys to my flat, but he refuses to do so, saying its just more convenient for him to see our son if he has them.
Now, he keeps telling me he sees no hope for the relationship, and as he's usually a pretty honest guy I have to say I probably believe that is what he thinks. At least now. As said earlier, I am in a good place, and have lots of things I enjoy in life that's not him, so feel like I could try for a cleaner break.
Question is, what shall I do? I thought perhaps I could move to a different flat, so that he doesn't have free access and so I don't have to see how late he gets in every night (makes me fume, when I have to do bath and bed and can't leave the house), define visitation and child support, and just get on with my and my sons new life. But then I know that if I do this there is zero chance that we could reconcile, and that sliver of hope makes me want to stay put, do things on his terms (for now), be happy with the current situation, and see what the future brings.
What do you think? I'm happy to provide more details if necessary. He's not an awful man nor a monster, he's doing what he feels he can, and he's not actively trying to hurt me and certainly not our son.
Thank you in advance!
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Straw poll - what would you do at this break up point?
10 replies
alembec · 09/10/2016 02:43
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