Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My partner doesn't pull his weight

(23 Posts)
user1472709746 Sat 08-Oct-16 19:28:08

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and have a 7 month old daughter. He works 30 hours a week in a pub and I am a stay at home mum.

I know I am a Saha so don't mind doing most of the childcare/housework but I feel like I am doing way more than my fairshare. He has hovered once/put a clothes wash on once since our daughter was born and both times because I had been nagging him about the fact he does literally NO housework. He complains about there being no food in but won't help me with a big shop on his days off (we live on the 4th floor and neither of us can drive so getting a big shop home is a big job).

He works 4 days a week, a mix of days and evenings, but stays up to at least 2am every night, very often later, playing video games and watching films. Then he sleeps in until he has work the next day even if his shift starts at 5pm. I know he needs a lie in if he does a late shift but his lie ins are everyday (even on week holidays) and often into the afternoon. Meanwhile I have to tiptoe around our flat with dd trying not to wake him up and if I need to get dressed to go out we fight because it wakes him up. He has never done a night feed or woken up and done a morning shift. He sometimes puts her to bed, gives her a bath or her dinner (never all three just one of them) but only if I ask and act really desperate.

Today he slept till one pm. I asked him to watch dd for 45 mins till my mum arrived, he refused and said he was going to play video games for a hour then going back to sleep till work. It's a work day so he thinks it's unfair to ask him to do literally anything, even that small thing.

He says on his days off I have to let him know in advance if I want him to take her for a few hours and if I don't he get annoyed on the day for springing it on him and we fight.

We barely have dinner together, never wake up or go to bed together and when dd is in bed and we are both in we spend our time in different rooms. I sit in the living room while he is in his video games room.

Really don't know what to do as we talk about it and he just doesn't think things are as uneven as I do. He constantly complains about getting no time alone or to relax and talks about how relentless life has become. I have tried to explain how hard I'm finding it (i feel almost single a lot of the time) but he doesn't seem think things are unfair.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 08-Oct-16 19:32:58

First course of action is to take the fuse out of his games console.
He is a parent now not a teenager.
Have shopping delivered.
Make a rota for chores and put it on the fridge. Don't be doing his chores. Or his washing /ironing /cooking /pandering to sexual advances - working full time isn't instead of being a parent. Tell him to suck it up or move out.

KinkyAfro Sat 08-Oct-16 19:33:56

You'd be much better off single

JMKid Sat 08-Oct-16 19:35:19

My ex was similar to your partner, only he did even less than him. Needless to say he is an ex and was since my LO was 3 weeks old. Easier doing alone.

Happybunny19 Sat 08-Oct-16 19:44:16

He never gets time alone - that's hilarious he works part-time and spends the rest of the time sleeping or playing computer games. He needs to enter the real, grown up world. How old is he? He behaves like a spoilt, petulant child.

Definitely advise you follow the advice above and remove the fuse on the console, that or 'accidentally' dropping it from a great height. Also agree that you should leave all his skanky clothes out of the family washing and he'll eventually learn to either look after himself or share the load sometimes.

My oh has an act full time job, amongst many other obligations and would still help me out with hoovering, putting the washing on or sticking something easy in the oven. He's a selfish are.

user1472709746 Sat 08-Oct-16 19:51:12

I can't tell him to move out I live in his house! I would have to leave, with dd obvs, and stay with my mum till I could get the money to rent somewhere. I could do this but it's a last resort. I really want to make the relationship work.

When he is with our daughter he is very loving and playful. He has lots of good qualities it's just he can't seem to cope with the reality of settling down and being a dad. He is sticking his head in the sand (PlayStation) and hoping things will get easier but they won't.

He freaks out when I try to discuss it with him, either getting defensive and claiming everything is fine and he is acting normally or getting scared I will leave him but instead of putting the effort in and being more present he puts his head deeper in the sand.

I know he hates his job and that might have something to do with it but he never looks for a new one. It's almost like he is waiting for someone to do it for him!

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 08-Oct-16 19:52:08

I think it's really sad that he won't even look after his own daughter for 45 mins and just wants to play games. He's behaving like a spoilt teenager. He's only got a part time job so it's not as if he's working flat out and can't possibly contribute. My dh works 55 hours a week and still does much more than your dp. And i think it's right that he does since he is a father just as much as I'm a mother.

Def agree about online shopping. If you're home during the day you can get free delivery from tesco for instance.

Akire Sat 08-Oct-16 20:01:01

He's an ass. 30h a week days or evenings is hardly pushing the boat out. No reason why he can't finish at 1 and get up take turns in the morning.

I'd be tempted to get a 30h job myself then when you are at work he's got no choice to have the baby.

you are both at home 4 days a week yet no never does anything? Very least split care even if that means leaving child with him and having done time to yourself. You need to make up all those sitting on his ass playing games me time

EweAreHere Sat 08-Oct-16 20:05:33

* I really want to make the relationship work*

You don't have a relationship. Relationships mean partnerships and sharing of the responsibilities, as well as the fun. You have all of the responsibilities and little of the fun. You don't have a relationship.

Frankly, you'd be better off single, even if he was a struggle getting yourself set up that way at first.

And for the love of everything you hold dear, please don't have another child with the man-child. Think of the example he's setting for the first one!

imwithspud Sat 08-Oct-16 20:21:40

He's taking the piss, if you were working toohe would have no choice but to step up - there's no excuse for his man child laziness. I certainly wouldn't be tip toeing around him when sleeping.

He doesn't even work full time and he's acting all hard done byhmm He needs to get in the real world!

I would seriously consider leaving, even if it's just 'for a break'.

ravenmum Sat 08-Oct-16 20:35:11

If he is sleeping 12+ hours a day I can see why he might feel he doesn't have much time when awake. If he cut it down to 8 he'd free up at least 4 hours.

Basically you are single now. If you don't want to make it official or just have him as a flatmate, I would suggest starting out with a business -like approach, working out exactly how much time each of you spends doing what and suggesting an alternative timetable giving both of you time alone and together. If he still will not take care of his own home and child or live like a responsible adult, though, you probably will have to face up to the idea of leaving, as he may only consider changing if you show you are serious. You don't have to make it a shouting match or accuse him of being crap. Just make it clear that you want something absolutely reasonable and will not put up with less.

SaggyNaggy Sat 08-Oct-16 20:42:11

He works 30hours out the house, you work 30hpours in the house doing chikdcare, cleaning, cooking etc.
Everything that's left, you split.

If he doesn't t like that, ask him what he sees as fair. His reactions will tell ypu a lot. Either he'll agree, which is good, or he'll disagree nd that's a good sign he's a selfish bellbit that you should kick out.

SandyY2K Sat 08-Oct-16 20:44:07

I haven't read your post in detail, but regarding the food shopping, I suggest you shop online and get it delivered.

Explain that you also need time to relax, as you've been with your DD all day. Otherwise you are on the go 24/7.

Can you work out a system where he cooks once a week and also does other jobs.

Another suggestion, is you tell him you're going to spend a week with your mum with your DD, because you feel shattered with doing all the housework and not getting support from him.

ThatStewie Sat 08-Oct-16 21:12:36

Get rid. You'll be happier. Your DD will be happier. The manchild will be forced to grow up.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 08-Oct-16 21:12:51

I would be weary of the advise saying your better off single. I am a single parent (as I am sure some of them giving the advise) and its tough and of course lots of implications on your child. He is well below is well below par. Your are right to take the lion share of the house work but he needs to do a bit too. Ideally it take more than one to raise a child (hence don't be in a rush to get rid). What is more a problem to me is not the lack of house work per se, more the lack of spending time with you and the baby and just simply being around you. The he wont say share chores with you like helping with the washing up and having a chat. That he doesn't relish the idea of spending time with your child and playing her. It sound to me he has a computer game addition as well as a bad attitude. I say if you still love him (probably hard at the moment) as least try and sort it out first before you just through everything away.

Cherrysoup Sat 08-Oct-16 21:27:02

Why do you want to make the relationship work? What are you getting out of it? He's behaving like a single young kid, not a dad. He either steps up or leave him, what is the point?

1DAD2KIDS Sat 08-Oct-16 22:00:17

Nail on the head there cherrysoup. Only the op know the full situation on the ground. Just don't rush into a huge decision that has massive implications for you and your child without looking at things from all angles. Is there a possibility of outside help or counselling? Do you think there is a way you can get through to him? The silly fool is missing out on so much quality time with you and your daughter. It would be ashamed for you all for him to realise too late

Madinche1sea Sat 08-Oct-16 22:06:36

OP - how old is he? He's acting like 17 year old with no concept of what it means to have a partner and child. Why does he only work 30 hours a week? I'm afraid I would have kicked him out of bed long before now. I don't know how you can cope with this at all. Sorry flowers

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 22:22:30

He refused to have his own child because he wanted to play computer games? Fucking ridiculous OP, put your foot down or leave. He's a man child and your allowing it. My DP works 60-80 hour weeks and any time off he spends with the kids, does housework if it needs doing. Yours works 30 and sleeps all the time and requires advance notice to be a dad.

Creampastry Sun 09-Oct-16 07:53:34

Your dh is a lazy fucker who won't ever change unless you tell him to stop being an arse now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Oct-16 08:28:48

Why do you want to make this work?. What do you get out of this?. There is really no relationship to speak of here. He is also well within his rights to ask you to leave in any case.

Would you want your DD as an adult to be shacked to a manchild just as you are currently?. He does this as well because he can, you find his treatment of you acceptable on some level.

Re1dad2kids comment:-
"I say if you still love him (probably hard at the moment) as least try and sort it out first before you just through everything away".

Absolute nonsense. That is the sunken costs fallacy right there and that enables people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. What you forget here is that the damage is already done, its not your task alone to try and sort it out either.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 09-Oct-16 09:09:32

Sounds like my ex. Whenever I complained he said 'you wanted the kids' loosely translated as don't bother me with your problems
Selfish people like this don't change they just get worse- sorry
I waited a long time for him to step up and be a grown up he's 47- I'm still waiting ( well I don't care now cos he's an ex but still a non engaging father to my kids)

ChuckBiscuits Sun 09-Oct-16 09:41:29

I really want to make the relationship work.

It is working for him! Why would he change anything?

you tiptoe around so you don't wake him?

Come on love. Move home with your mum. This is going nowhere.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now