Getting past infidelity.

[Voodoogirl]

This is my first post and I'm a little nervous but here goes.
I have been with my wife for almost ten years. We have two young children together. (I really don't know how much info I'm supposed to include but I'll try not to ramble) When I was pregnant with our first she became infatuated with a colleague would talk about them a lot, face lit up when spoke of them. At the same time she became distant and resentful of pregnancy. I didn't know I was concerned until one day i asked her if she had cheated on me. She said she hadn't but wanted to. I beg her not to but then begged her just not to with her colleague as it was to close to home. I was desperate, pregnant and scared. She said no it had to be this person. In the end they did end up sharing a kiss. I later found out it was two. We got passed it she said it was her freaky out about baby. Our son was born and she took to it well.

We then decided to have another child. While I was pregnant somebody new started at her work place. I got a weird feeling that it was happening again but as this women was younger and in a relationship I talked myself out of worrying.

I second baby was born early and had an extended stay so life was stressful for a while but again she was great and I really felt, once we got baby home, that life was pretty good. We don't go out often so when a work friend had a party I encouraged her to go. The night before I became horribly ill feverish and hallucinations but I didn't want her to miss the night out so arranged to stay with my parents. All good. Except when she came to pick us up she seemed pissed of at me but she wouldn't say why. The following weekend I got a text out of the blue saying she was staying at her brothers and she didn't think I loved her and she needed space. I had a horrendous weekend youngest was four months old and I just about kept it together. Didn't tell a soul. On the Monday she told me she had slept with the new college. She said it was a mistake. I got mad for about twenty minutes and then for reasons I still don't understand begged her not to go and tried to be a better wife that wouldn't she wouldn't want to leave. She told me a few details but things didn't seem to add up so a few weeks later I got in contact with the partner of the other women and we met for coffee. She knew a lot more and confirmed what I was suspicious of that the flirting ext had been going on for a long time. That they had carried on flirting and stealing kisses at work after and that the weekend my wife left the other woman had tried breaking up with her girlfriend but instead confessed. The day before I was told the other woman's girlfriend threatened to tell me I felt stupid and betrayed because I knew she had manipulated the whole thing to seem like she was telling me so we could build from it.
I moved out with the children for a fortnight again didn't tell a soul I was embarrassed. We kind of muddled through.
This was eighteen months ago. The problem is I can't move on. I don't know how. I wish I had packed our bags and never gone back when I found out. Now it feels like I would be breaking the family up. She has told me I would ruin the children's lives and she is right. She says I could be happy but I don't let us. In a way she is right on the surface all is good kids are happy but when ever we argue I go straight to her cheating. She tells me we feel like room mates and I can see why but all I think is that she will find someone else sleep with anyway. I can't get past it and I'm miserable. I know I need to just move on or somehow leave but both options seem impossible.
I'm not even sure what I want from this post but it feels good to write it down. I've not told another living soul. So how do I get through this? Any thoughts? Tips?

[Voodoogirl]

I'm sorry I know that reads horribly. I know people don't like poor grammar and spelling. I tried.

[leaveittothediva]

It's her infidelity, not yours, you were having babies, she was flirting and having fun. So now she's putting it all over onto you, making you feel guilty about what she feels was your part in causing her infidelity, which incidentally you got there before her blaming yourself anyway, and trying to be better and do better. Only for her to be at it again. She just wants you to get over it, well someone needs to educate her that she's the one that needs to prove to you that she's worthy of you, you'll get over it in your own good time, thanks very much. Yes, your right you should pack your bags and go, and stay gone. She's already broken up the home and of course the children will be upset. She wasn't thinking of your children when having her affairs, she's a cheeky mare to use that threat with you over her poor choices. Do yourself a favor and leave her. She sound like a self centered self absorbed bitch.

[accidentalpirate]

She sounds horrible op. How dare she blame you for something she did. Your kids won't be happy with a miserable downtrodden mum now will they? She cheated on you. Get rid.

[Weetabixandtoast]

Oh I really feel for you. Fact is cheating during pregnancy is really common - the other person feels 'unspecial' and pushed out. That you perhaps love your growing child and not them. Does not make it right tho and is a particularly self centred and insecure person that does this.

She's cheated on you twice and lied about it. I'd say you have s right to feel the way you do. If you can't move past it you need to address it. Tackle it head on with her and see where you get to. Talks, counselling, time apart whatever it takes. She needs to understand though that effort is required and you can't just sweep this under the carpet. On your part you need to properly discuss How you feel so you are not hiding it then bringing it up at the wrong times.

[Weetabixandtoast]

Apart from this cheating are you generally happy in this relationship? Does she make you feel loved? Cared for? Listened to? Does she do her share of looking after children and housework? Just trying to get a background context - you should consider all these things when you think about leaving.
First step if you want to leave is tell a few people in real life and get their suppprt. Then start to think about practical arrangements.
How come you moved out with the kids last time? Do they feel more like your children than hers? Is this part of the problem do you think?

[Voodoogirl]

Thank you all for taking time to reply. She really isn't a horrible person. She is a good Mum and parents equally. I do believe she loves me although I don't think I'm exiting enough for her sometimes. The things I enjoyed doing at eighteen I don't always enjoy doing now.

I did think I would be the sort of person in this situation to not let her back and be strong about this but in reality I felt like our lives are so intertwined now I don't know how to do that. At first she let me talk about it and seemed to be truly remorseful but as time goes on she has admitted she feels I am to blame because she felt unloved. I except that but feel shut down if I need to talk it over as if I'm raking it up and causing unhappiness. I will admit I have not always been calm and have said hurtful things just to hurt her.

If she had never cheated I would be very happy with my lot and feel we have made a good life together. The problem is she did cheat and I don't feel I have my loyal trustworthy lovingng partner. She can't touch me without me remembering and it makes my skin crawl. I feel like there is a third person in our marriage that only I know about. I have suggested counseling a few times but she won't have any of it. I think she is worried she would be 'ganged up on' or I might decide to leave because of it.

In regards to why I left it had nothing to do with the children feeling anymore like mine. That is the one truly good thing about us. We are definitely equal parents. I left because I knew she wouldn't. I was on maternity and she works full time so I was doing the childcare. I made it clear she could see the children whenever she wanted and she did. Thinking about it that's why I only lasted two weeks. Seeing them together and knowing I was about to tear it apart. I couldn't do it. I know if we didn't have the children I would be long gone.

I have a feeling this isn't going to end well but it physically hurts to think of the reality of that so I stick my head a little further into the sand and hope to wake up one day not feeling like this. I can't tell anybody I wouldn't want them to think badly of her and to be honest I'm to embarrassed.

[Weetabixandtoast]

I think you need to push counselling as it really sounds like you want to work it out and still value many aspects of your life together. If you stress how important it is to you she'll do it if she cares about you - you may have to really push tho!