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Does my fella need help or should I run for the hills?

(81 Posts)
Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:41:27

Hi everyone, I'm so confused and don't know what to do ! I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for just 2 of them . First 5 years was great he would do anything for me. We loved each other a lot although he told me one day that he had been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder before we met but that he had taken prozac and received CBT for it and felt it was under control. He was rigid about time keeping cleaning and his career but was still very loving . However after our wedding 2 years ago he has left me 3 times for having a minor disagreement the 2nd time was over silly things like the dog having no water when he came home from work he said I was making him deeply unhappy and he left he got a flat . The night before the dog water incident he had asked where I fancied going for a nice weekend??? Then left the next day and actually got a flat 2 weeks later he asked could we work towards reconnecting and he would give up the flat if it worked I said yes . It was hard it would upset me when he went home and I would lie in my marital bed and cry ! My husband who I love so very much has got a flat !!!!!!! I couldn't understand why! If I got upset to him he would say you are making the chances of this working out very slim you need to stop it . So I would dry my eyes and shut up. Just 5 weeks ago we had a fabulous 2 weeks away on returning he texted me to say " hey sweetcheeks my sexy soul mate what do you want to do for your birthday " which was to be 3 days later. The next day we had a small row about the flat . He walked out of my house the next morning I received a text saying "you argued with me for 20 minutes last night and I fear you will just be the death of me this marriage is over don't contact me ever again and sure enough he would not take my calls. I've just received a letter in the post off him saying I'm so very sorry I do this to you all the time I do not know why I do it you are the best thing that's ever happened to me but I have this black and white thing going on that when it's good I'm great and then for the slightest reason I can't cope and it all feels so bad . I've not responded as I can't work out is this man unwell is this OCPD or narcissim or is he just a cheeky sod and I'm better off moving on .thanks so much if you reply with any advice x

Shakey15000 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:43:52

I'd be running for the hills sorry. He obviously needs help but I couldn't live my life with such day to day uncertainty.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Oct-16 16:44:09

This is a very unhealthy relationship, OP, and you need to get out asap in my opinion. You're trying to secondguess yourself, you're walking on eggshells and it's doing you a lot of harm.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:46:59

I suspect this his mental health has took a turn for the worse.

He needs to be reassessed if he has any chance of maintaining a normal sort of relationship.

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:48:13

Wow thank you so much I really will take notice of all reply thank you again.

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:50:28

Thank you so much I'm so stressed and had to go off work and lost 1 and a half stone in 5 weeks so thank you I will take note of all comments.

whitehandledkitchenknife Sat 08-Oct-16 16:50:58

Whatever it is he's got-- and it could be a range of things--, under control it is not.
Time for you to take control over what is happening to you and not let him dictate the pace. This is not healthy and it won't improve by you doing all the adapting. He has got to want to work very,very hard for a long,long time on his issues.
FWIW - I'd be running for those hills.

aginghippy Sat 08-Oct-16 16:53:25

He treats you badly and has no regard for your feelings. It doesn't matter if he is unwell or just a dick. It's not good for you and makes you unhappy. You will be better off moving on.

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:56:23

There is a lot of running for those hills comments appearing I spy a thread thank you all so much for reading and taking the time to reply . I also have a teenage son not by him who very lovingly puts his arms around me each time it happens I need to protect him too x

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:59:20

Unwell or a dick yes the 2nd could possibly be true I just don't know anymore thank you 💓

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 08-Oct-16 16:59:45

Oh, I couldn't put up with that nonsense. I think it's both: he needs help and that you should run for the hills. He could be mentally unwell or a complete shit, or he could be a complete shit who happens to have mental problems. Either way, you're not qualified to resolve this. Save yourself

user1471134011 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:00:59

God yes run.

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:03:21

Lol lol I love these messages .

Penfold007 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:10:59

I'd take him at his word and cease all contact except through my solicitor. Don't play his abusive games, you and your son deserve better.

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:13:20

Gosh right x thank you !!!

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:16:30

Gotta say I did only try to contact him on that first day and then I stopped trying . I think he's shocked I stopped trying I even changed my phone so he couldn't get to me then the letter arrived on Oct 4th I've not replied he'll be in shock !

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:21:26

Sounds like a very fucked up drama creating queen, run op he won't make your running easy though
He's staging his own play and he's the star of the show. Could be mental illness but the letter is calculating and meant to draw you back in.

Cut all contact dead, this is going to cause you a lot of angst, misery loves company flowers

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:28:11

Since he got that flat in April I've felt my dignity seeping away actually hating myself for accepting it I'm usually a strong woman don't know why I allowed it .. thank you .

Liiinoo Sat 08-Oct-16 17:31:10

I wouldn't say run for the hills exactly but I would say evaluate your position very carefully. If after thinking it over you decide you want to stay with him then write to him and tell him you will consider a reconciliation after he has got help for his current instability. You cannot let his illness wreck your life too.

If on balance you decide you want a clean break (as you are entitled to do, whether he is ill or not), then you make that choice and let him know. Don't let him have all the power in this. You can make decisions too.

It is hard to make a break I know. Leaving someone you love is scary and lonely but if that is what is right for you it is better to do it sooner than later.

Formalyknownas99 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:33:19

I speak from experience when I say this...walk away. Walk away and don't look back. Sounds cold, may sound cruel, but for your sake and your son's sake...walk away.
I met someone, he told me he had OCD on our 2nd date. I was all loved up and thought we could "work it out together". I thought "love would see us through" and if he loved me enough he would stop doing the things his OCD made him do, that if I loved him enough I could fix/heal him. Nope. You end up just as much a prisoner to their OCD and they are. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.
Also, this is worth remembering; someone can suffer from OCD (or alcoholism/mental health issues, be on the spectrum etc etc etc) but they can also be an arsehole. No condition gives anyone the right to treat another like shit!

Formalyknownas99 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:36:02

...by the way, it took me 3 YEARS to get it and to walk away, I know it is not easy. Once I got to the stage of ending it, I was sad for him but relieved!

daisychain01 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:36:27

It's energy-sapping just reading your OP.

In the interests of your wellbeing, I'll happily send you a pair of my best Nikes

Hills that way -->>>>>>

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:38:04

Do you believe this is his ocpd did your fella act similar???

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:39:41

Oh I await those nikes 😁

Francescabear22 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:40:50

Thank you all each and every one I'm so happy I posted x

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