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Since when is "being confident" a bad thing?

(24 Posts)
PineappleFwitters Sat 08-Oct-16 11:32:28

I posted a while ago about an ex-colleague I had a thing with, who inexplicably began to ghost me. It happens, made me a bit blue at the time, but I let it go.

Anyway, it's several weeks later and I met him at a mutual friend's birthday drinks a few days ago. I was polite when I saw him but didn't go out of my way to seek his company as I had other friends around to talk to.

So the night goes on, alcohol is consumed (more by him than by me) and he comes over and starts talking to me. The conversation progresses, we might've talked about the last time we met, and he tells me that he finds me intimidating. I'm a bit WTAF so ask him why and he says it's because I'm "very confident".

I don't think I'm more confident than
average, I'm certainly not arrogant, but why is confidence considered a negative trait? Or is he just a bit of a dick?

Twogoats Sat 08-Oct-16 11:33:33

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Also, he sounds a bit pathetic.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sat 08-Oct-16 11:34:17


move on and confidently celebrate!

LottieDoubtie Sat 08-Oct-16 11:34:18

It's only considered a negative trait by men who are either insecure or who hate woman. So stop beating yourself up you've had a lucky escape - onwards and upwards!

IminaPickle Sat 08-Oct-16 11:34:31

He's a bit of a dick. I remember a boyfriend when I was a teenager saying he didn't like red lipstick as it looked 'bold'.
Big Red Flag.

Creatureofthenight Sat 08-Oct-16 11:34:57

It's not a bad thing, he obviously can't cope with it though so you're better off without him.

MatildaTheCat Sat 08-Oct-16 11:37:37

It clearly isn't a bad thing. Unless you happen to be a man who likes to be dominant and not have to listen to the opinion of a woman. Avoid.

PineappleFwitters Sat 08-Oct-16 11:41:21

Thanks all.

He also claims to care about women's rights and says he's been brought up by a mother who's a staunch feminist. You'd think he'd be able to deal with confident women in that case! Guess I've had a lucky escape really.

It's so bizarre that men still think like that in this day and age. I have a friend whose ex broke up with her because she was "too independent".

ijustwannadance Sat 08-Oct-16 11:45:11

Some men can't handle women who are confident and capable as they feel threatened by it.

Lucky escape Fwitters.

TheNaze73 Sat 08-Oct-16 11:58:21

Sounds like a game play to get you thinking. His ghosting, whatever the real reason, is all you need to remember. Sounds like a tosser

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sat 08-Oct-16 13:37:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BantyCustards Sat 08-Oct-16 13:43:13


PoldarksBreeches Sat 08-Oct-16 13:44:42

Men like this are total misogynists. Lucky escape for you.

OurBlanche Sat 08-Oct-16 13:48:09

Odd! DH loves the fact that he can work away, have absolutely no work routine and never has to consider whether or not I will 'cope'.

His DB finds me terrifying for the same reason... he can't understand why I don't mind/cry/crumble.

Yet he is married to PoisonousSIL who rules his entire life with a rod of iron, including doling out pocket money each week, for the last 30 year!

I suspect men like him will find women who think they need men like him.

Just as BIL found his perfect partner, regardless of what I/we may think if such an unequal relationship!

leaveittothediva Sat 08-Oct-16 13:48:50

His confidence obviously comes in bottle form. What do you care about his drunken thoughts. He finds your confidence intimidating, remember that and use it to keep him the hell away from you.

OurBlanche Sat 08-Oct-16 13:50:37

Oooh! Should have added a bit to that first sentence shouldn't I? smile

DH has an equally blase attitude to my work meaning I can't get home until late/tomorrow, even if it is his first full weekend back in a month!

HeadDreamer Sat 08-Oct-16 13:51:14

Some men like their women down trodden. You are too good for him.

Believeitornot Sat 08-Oct-16 13:52:13

Depends what he means by confident. I do find overly confident people intimidating.

TempusEedjit Sat 08-Oct-16 13:56:20

I find that the ones who go about pronouncing how much they support women's rights (or being very vocal about denouncing infidelity etc) are the ones who think that if they make such proclamations loudly enough it'll mask the fact that their actions actually suggest they think otherwise. You have definitely dodged a bullet there.

PineappleFwitters Sat 08-Oct-16 16:26:03

Depends what he means by confident. I do find overly confident people intimidating.

I don't think I'm overly confident, but he's a fairly confident (or so he appears) type too - to the point that he'd send me shirtless selfies of himself. Silly I know but I didn't mind it at the time. Anyway as you've all pointed out, dodged a bullet there!

IreallyKNOWiamright Sat 08-Oct-16 17:01:02

Weird thing to say. You've had a lucky escape. Some men like to be in charge and hate seeing women being more successful than them. I call these men spoilt arse holes.

niceupthedance Sat 08-Oct-16 17:21:38

Like tempest, my experience of men who are self-confessed "feminists" actually have a lot of issues with equality. And their mothers. Avoid.

niceupthedance Sat 08-Oct-16 17:22:06


PineappleFwitters Sat 08-Oct-16 17:33:53

I think you might be onto something there. About 6 years ago I was dating a guy who'd been raised by his mother and her lesbian partner, both keen feminists. However after letting him ask me out a few times, he accused me of coming on too strong when I took the initiative and asked if he wanted to see a movie one weekend. After that I never heard from him again.

Fast forward to the last election and I see he's running as the Tory candidate in a Labour safe seat!

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