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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is he 'just not that into me' or relaxed and forgetful?

74 replies

Midlandia · 08/10/2016 10:12

I have been seeing a lovely man I met through work for about 5 months now. He's very kind hearted and in many ways very thoughtful and generous. However, we've had a few aborted attempts at going away together for the weekend. Recently I suggested a city break (driving distance), but mid week as it fit with my son being away with his dad for October break and also my man works very hard and I thought it would be good for him to take a couple of days off.

When I suggested it he agreed, but didn't seem that keen. It then transpired that a meeting went in his diary that he had to attend (he is very senior at our work), putting the kybosh on us going away. He did seem sorry to have spoiled our plans and asked if we could reschedule. I suggested an alternative date and he agreed, saying he would book the hotel. I offered to do it, but he said he would take care of it. I asked if he would do it soon as our planned dates are coming up soon and he still hasn't done it!

He knows that I'm anxious about it, he knows that I want to get it sorted, but he keeps saying he'll take care of it, but it's still not done! I now feel like I'm badgering him, which makes me feel like crap. He tells me all the time he loves me and in other small ways shows he cares, but should going away together be this difficult? Am I being a high maintenance harpy or does this mean that he's just not that bothered about me?

I'd happily book the thing myself, but it's not the booking that's this issue. It's more an indication of what he really feels for me, which is he's not all that bothered. I find I'm obsessively thinking about when it's going to be booked and what happens if he doesn't book it and he let's me down again. Now that I write it down, I feel like I'm coming across as a nut! Do I just need a wet fish slap? (Sorry for the length if you've made it this far!)

OP posts:

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imnotreally · 08/10/2016 10:24

I am by no means an expert. But I don't think he's that bothered. I'd dump him. If he comes running fair enough. If he doesn't you know where you stand.

springydaffs · 08/10/2016 10:25

If he's like this at the start ,what would he be like later on?

TheNaze73 · 08/10/2016 10:26

He doesn't sound at all arsed. Flip this, would you treat someone like he's treating you?

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2016 10:27

He's certainly not bothered about going away, is he?

I know it's lovely having someone say they love you, but you have to ignore that sometimes and look at their actions.

Offred · 08/10/2016 10:29

Meh, stop making this about him. This is about you. How he is behaving is causing you to feel insecure, he's probably not the one for you therefore. It really doesn't matter if he is relaxed, forgetful, not that into you or just annoyed about taking time off work and not telling you.

Midlandia · 08/10/2016 10:36

I was sort of expecting these responses.

I think you're right Offred, he's absolutely lovely (incredibly popular at work) so I'm trying convince myself that he's worth the effort, but I am anxious a lot of the time because our personalities are quite different. I keep questioning whether I'm just high maintenance, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to make and stick to a solid plan. It's a real shame though, he was the best prospect I'd had in years.

OP posts:

Offred · 08/10/2016 11:04

It's 5 months in and he is doing the old intense talking about love and the flaking on loving actions thing. Quite possible he is a knob.

Offred · 08/10/2016 11:06

And if other people love him because he is nice to them that is irrelevant because your experience, for whatever reason is that you feel insecure and unloved.

cheesecadet · 08/10/2016 11:12

What would he say if you suggest a weekend?

Shiningexample · 08/10/2016 11:19

It all sounds a bit stressful for you op😓

Groundhogday2016 · 08/10/2016 11:23

He might not particularly want to go away but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. Maybe his idea of fun is not a midweek city break when he has work commitments.

Groundhogday2016 · 08/10/2016 11:25

The only criticism you seem to have of him is that he doesn't want to go away.

Offred · 08/10/2016 11:31

If he doesn't want to go away midweek, as he is a grown up and the op discussed it with him prior to this, he should have said no and suggested a weekend instead.

Dowser · 08/10/2016 11:36

You are badgering him.

Let him do the booking..let his actions speak.
At the moment you just aren't on the same page.

HandyWoman · 08/10/2016 11:38

I actually think you are being high maintenance in the sense that this one issue is causing so much stress in you. You need to stop, look around, if you are so dependent on his booking this for your feelings of security then he has a disproportionate amount of over you - you would be better off providing security and happiness yourself by spreading your sources of happiness more widley, organising stuff with friends, family etc. However, if you are already doing this then maybe your gut is telling you that he's not that bothered. It's hard to know from what you've written.

Relationships at this stage of the game with established careers and and children and ex partners are a logistical nightmare and with lots to factor in plans don't always come off.

Dowser · 08/10/2016 11:38

Midlandia...are you worth the effort.
That's the question to ask.
If he thinks you are, he'll move heaven and earth ( at times) to make you happy.
Take a step back from the holiday plans and see what unfolds.
Sometimes it's more powerful to do nothing.

benbry · 08/10/2016 11:46

Does he stay overnight at your place OP?

HandyWoman · 08/10/2016 11:48

You may be feeling under pressure because your free time is very precious, something he perhaps doesn't appreciate if he doesn't have kids.

What else could you do in that time of the holiday doesn't happen?

UnGoogleable · 08/10/2016 11:52

Hmm I think you might be pushing a bit too hard.

Just tell him you'd really love it if you could go away sometime, and leave it to him. It might just not be that important to him. Doesn't mean he's not into you, but he has other priorities as well as you.

Is he otherwise available - does he stay over with you regularly? Can you call him whenever you need to and arrange things off the cuff?

Midlandia · 08/10/2016 12:03

Benbry - he does stay at mine when my son is with his dad, but even that is a bit of a struggle. I have to suggest it, he never does. He is very reserved and almost overly polite, but it seems like there's a lack of effort.

Dowser - I think you could be right. I think I'm worth the effort, but he doesn't seem to feel the same.

Handywoman - I'm very lucky that I can keep myself busy with friends and family. I'm actually quite comfortable being on my own. I had been for a few years before I met this current man. I'm not afraid of going back to that if this isn't right. I guess I was questioning if my current anxiety and questioning is a product of not having been in a relationship in a while.

Thanks to all who have answered. The responses have been incredibly helpful.

OP posts:

HuskyLover1 · 08/10/2016 12:23

I think you're being a bit OTT. He said he'd book it, so assume that he will. If he lets you down, that is the time to be cross. Just chill.

UnGoogleable · 08/10/2016 12:23

Does he suggest things for you to do, or do you do all the running?

It's one of those classic times where you have to decide to take a step back, and if he's into you he'll come running. If he doesn't... then he's just not that into you. You'll never know that if you don't allow the relationship a little breathing space.

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Shiningexample · 08/10/2016 12:24

Tit for tat
Treat him the same way he treats you

benbry · 08/10/2016 12:35

I had a friend who had a similar problem OP and I'm probably way off here, but she discovered that a lot of his reticence was due to back acne that he was very embarrassed about. Could it be something along those lines, snoring perhaps. He obviously likes you or why would he be bothering at all?

Midlandia · 08/10/2016 12:47

The posts suggesting to 'back off' are really resonating, I would admit the relationship could do with a bit of breathing space (great expression). We see each other every day at work where he is always suggesting coffees, lunches and he is very attentive on text - no anxieties there.

He just seems less gung ho about suggesting 'adult sleepovers'. He has a wonderful body and the sex is incredible so there are no difficulties in that department, which I suppose adds to my puzzlement.

I have a feeling I'm much more invested in the relationship than he is. He seems to be far more relaxed about 'us'.

I think I will take my foot off the gas, have resolved not to mention 'booking the break' again.

OP posts:

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