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Daughter problems.....

(54 Posts)
Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:45:15

Please help me to see if I'm being unreasonable or not. I have 2 DD's and am a single parent after an awful divorce over 8 years ago.

DD1is 19 and was very much a daddy's girl when she was little pre divorce. In a nutshell Exh had OW, refused to leave family home, made all our lives a misery for 4 long years. He included DD1 who was age 7 - 11 during these years in his deception, taking her out to meet this woman with her daughter, etc. I only found out when DD2 mentioned her name and that they had been out with her.

During the last year of this OW made a nuisance of herself turning up at my door, shouting, driving past me ion school run every day etc. My solicitor issued injunction finally but it was very messy.

I bought a house with divorce settlement, got a job and never looked back. I gave DD's all the stability they had not had, they started going to ex and OW house every other weekend and this carried on for around 4 years until they didn't really want to go any more, awkward atmosphere between ex and OW, who have now split up and he is living in another city with new younger woman.

Ok that is the background. DD 1 is now 19 and was lovely through her teenage years. Worked hard at school, pleasure to be with we were very close however I used to sometimes think it was all ok as long as everything was going her way. She dumped her friendship group to get into the popular girls group at school and I have questioned her loyalty at other times too. Infact insartrd to wonder if she was as manipulative as her dad.......

She is now at a local uni, moved out her first year and is now back home after not liking the washing, shopping, cooking aspect of independence. Despite me asking she does nothing in the house, to the extent she can't be bothered to even open her window blind! She has had a part time job since she was 17 and that is mainly when I saw a change in her. She didn't NEED to be nice as she didn't need money for anything. She uses the home like a hotel(cliche), sees it as a chore to spend time with her sister, and prioritises her boyfriend and friends every time over family.

I guess I'm just worried that she is a manipulator and as I'm sure her dad is a narc, that she is too. Everything has to be on her terms unless she is dropping everything to help a friend and look like the good guy.

It just seems that we got through the teen years unscathed but now she is an adult the real her is showing through and it's not attractive. I expected it to be the other way around.... Help me see the real picture please.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:08:11

Bump

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-16 10:08:14

Get on your hard hat, op. You'll be fried on here.

fwiw: very similar situation (re married a narc, adult daughter showed narc signs) , understand your worries.

But I doubt you'll get anything constructive from this thread, sadly. xx

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:09:09

Wow, thanks for the reply, why? Am I being u reasonable?

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-16 10:10:53

No. But posters can't help projecting (in my - and many others' - experience)

pm me ?

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:12:26

Springydaffs... On my phone on app. Getting car MOT! Can I pm on app?

OurBlanche Sat 08-Oct-16 10:14:08

No, you aren't. But the received wisdom here often seems to be that you must love and support your DCs without thought or criticism and that anything wrong is your fault, after all you chose their dad and he is a bad 'un... your fault ALL YOUR FAULT!

If you think she is as narc as he is then, that is who she is. You can't really change it. You can only decide how you continue to parent it!

PacificOcean Sat 08-Oct-16 10:14:18

Does she pay rent? If you feel that she is taking advantage of you, maybe you need to lay down some ground rules around chores. You can't force her to want to spend time with her sister though!

Not sure it helps to worry if she's inherited these tendencies from her Dad, or if it's a belated result of the traumatic divorce. You'll never really know the answer.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:17:40

No she doesn't pay or contribute to anything. I just saw it as my contribution to getting her through her student years. She works part time in retail and and receives full loan Etc due to my status and earnings.

Funnylady123 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:19:05

I hope you don't get roasted. I am in a similar situation and really empathise with you. My ds is showing many of the narc traits his father has and sometimes I think he is not really a very nice person (although I love him dearly) we have a great relationship, as long as things are going his way. Rather than judging, it would be nice if others could offer constructive advice, or at least support.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:21:47

Thanks Funny, it's so hard isn't it.... Trying to separate teenage behaviour from narc behaviour as they are pretty similar!

pocketsaviour Sat 08-Oct-16 10:23:03

Start charging rent. Offer to offset some of the rent by her taking on household chores.

You can't force her to be close to her sister but you can expect/demand basic manners.

Letting her live rent free will do her no favours in the long run - she needs to learn how the world works.

OurBlanche Sat 08-Oct-16 10:25:02

So far so good smile

A good start would be to decide what you want to change. What do you think she MUST do in order not to be a problem in your household?

Then you need to have one of those, "Sit down, we are going to have an adult discussion and we are going to resolve some issues" chats.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:28:30

I seem to be getting off lightly so far.... Yes thank you a frank discussion IS what is needed. We have had them in the past but then no follow through and I have let it go to keep the peace.

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-16 10:29:34

your fault ALL YOUR FAULT!

That's about the sum of it on here

Maybe pm later?

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-16 10:31:47

In the meantime it wouldn't be a bad idea to aquaint yourself with this man's work.

re it hasn't got to estrangement yet but...

The above man can give you some good general strategies to manage 'conflict'.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sat 08-Oct-16 10:40:44

Maybe wait and see how the conversation pans out eh. She sounds like a normal teen but you have the right to expect respect and reasonable behaviour.

Stilltryingtobeme Sat 08-Oct-16 10:43:00

I know this is a bizarre method (my children are young so might not help), but my sister is very narcissistic and has several mental health disorders.

So, how I used to handle it.... Grown up discussions often won't work as they turn it around on themselves "I knew you were jealous of my success in uni, wouldn't want to support me" for example.

So I would sit my sister down in times like these with saying something like this. "I'm so worried about you, you're doing so well at college and you're an adult now but I've noticed you're not doing much at home. I know how hard it is with all you've got on, I wondered if you could maybe arrange to talk to someone?...."

Or something like that. Got my sister to counselling several times by basically just throwing affection and admiration at her (her narc bread and butter).

Once they're willing to talk about issues professionally it can really help. I'd bet my money that if your daughter is a narc and you tell her she's got to pay rent or clean in a frank discussion she'll turn it around to how much you hate her. It's all about her remember!

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 08-Oct-16 10:45:11

I think she needs to move out, so you can enjoy your relationship with her again. Organise for her to leave in the next month.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:50:35

Any discussion usually ends in 'my friends aren't expected to do that, pay that ' etc

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 08-Oct-16 10:58:04

You can't get into that kind of discussion. Just get her to move out. You don't need to provide her with accommodation.

Most people would rather not cook or clean or do housework. You are not her maid.

Cahu58 Sat 08-Oct-16 11:20:19

She has just gone off for a weekend away, and after frosty relations between us came and said bye, I told her things are going to have to change and maybe she would be happier if she moved out.... She left the room saying ' well obviously that's not going to happen is it'. And drove off in her car which she pays for but is a newer model than mine!

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 08-Oct-16 11:24:38

Why is it obvious to her that isn't going to happen?
I would offer to pay the deposit for a bedsit as a gift. (A gift for yourself!)

Funnylady123 Sat 08-Oct-16 11:38:14

The 'my friends aren't expected to do that' is thrown at me regularly. I have asked 'do you talk to your friends about cleaming up etc' but this us usually met with eye rolling. Have also had the 'i'm not a maid' conversation, but this usually end with the reply 'no, but if you were a good mum, you would do...'
I personally would never be strong enough to ask one of my kids to leave, took me 20 years to ged rid of my exh, and i hated him, but adore my kids. I just find it so sad that ds may end up like his father - bitter, twisted and alone.

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-16 11:46:02

ime some traumatic incident/s in my kids' lives pushed them back developmentally. So the 14yo 'my friends' parents don't expect this from them' can pop up at a much later age.

Those 4 years with the demonic ex will have had an impact on her. Have you looked at Joshua Coleman?

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