Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friends: should they really do this?

(23 Posts)
totslepots Sat 08-Oct-16 08:18:56

I have a wavering friendship with a friend of many years, we've both changed a lot and I'm not sure it's worth hanging on to. She contimues to arrange meet-ups however. We recently met up and I told her that DH and I had bought a new house, she seemed surprised and replied "you've bought a house with someone you don't even want to be with?"
This isn't the first time she's questioned my life choices and even insulted them in the past. She seems to have an opinion on all DH and I do.
The comment she made came as a product of a conversation I had with her a few months ago when I told her I wasn't feeling fulfilled in my marriage. She seems to do this a lot, I'll tell her something and then months later, use it to question my motives.

luckylucky24 Sat 08-Oct-16 08:21:58

Stop telling her personal things. It doesn't sound like enough to end a long term friendship but you haven't given much to go on.

pallasathena Sat 08-Oct-16 08:31:45

Well what do you expect? If you tell someone you're not too happy in a relationship then go and buy a new house with them...I'd say the same! Why are you doing it?
Its what friends do for pity's sake.
You sound like really hard work...

category12 Sat 08-Oct-16 08:36:30

Sorry, seems like something a good friend would do, if you have been unhappy in the relationship. Of course people form opinions about what is going on, on the basis of what you tell them.

Unless you have a better example of her cutting you down?

Joysmum Sat 08-Oct-16 08:38:57

I agree with pallasathena

I'd question it too if I'd been told by a friend she was unhappy and then hadn't updated to say they were happier so I was left believing what I was originally told. Doesn't mean I'm questioning life choices, just after an update.

SleepFreeZone Sat 08-Oct-16 08:39:54

This is interesting actually as I've had it done to me and it really fucks up friendships. True friends try to be non judgemental, try to let you make mistakes either criticism and try to support and emphathise if things go wrong. What they shouldn't do is use your venting sessions against you later as ammo, that's just not a good friend. If you are having to censor your conversations for fear of her using your words against you later then honestly just forget it. Life's to short for frenemies.

SleepFreeZone Sat 08-Oct-16 08:40:38

*without criticism.

Scarlettablue Sat 08-Oct-16 08:48:31

If you've expressed doubts about your marriage then she may be genuinely concerned that you're about to make a big mistake. Expressing that makes her a good friend. Perhaps you and your husband have managed to work through those difficulties but you haven't updated your friend. But I guess you know her well enough to be able to judge whether she is seriously concerned or just trying to undermine you.

TutanKaDashian Sat 08-Oct-16 08:52:02

I had a (now ex) friend like this. We had been friends for a long time and I had been single for a lot of that time whereas she was in a long term relationship. I got with my teenage boyfriend last year and you could tell the jealousy started because she knew that DP would propose (he just has) whereas her DP of 6 years has made it clear he never will even though she wants it. When I told her about our new publishing company, all she could do was put it down. 'who would buy those books' Trying to fake concern but all she had to do was fake a bit of niceness even if she thought it was a shit idea. She then sent me abusive messages on FB and we haven't spoken since.

Cabrinha Sat 08-Oct-16 08:55:36

Well, she's a good enough friend for you to trust with details if your marriage.
Are you feeling defensive about this particular comment because you were/are also unsure about the commitment to the house when your marriage isn't fulfilling?

Penfold007 Sat 08-Oct-16 08:56:53

What did you expect her to say? You confided in her that you were unhappy with your H and didn't want to be with him and yet you've now bought a house with him.

SmallBee Sat 08-Oct-16 08:57:26

I would also be surprised you'd brought a house with him if you'd previously told me you were unhappy. I'd also ask you a question, to get you to open up further and find out if you were now happy or needed to talk about it.
I'd have thought I was being a good friend.

What would you have preferred she say?

Also if you don't want her to know things about you, stop telling her. If you do tell her, she might well offer her opinion , it's a fairly common place occurrence.

But if you feel all she is doing is being negative and judging you, then maybe she needs to be more of an acquaintance from now on?

totslepots Sun 09-Oct-16 08:38:49

I wasn't too clear in my opening post. It's difficult to portray the conversation without hearing tones of voice etc. She was not concerned in the slightest but laughed childishly as she said it as if I was stupid. I think it's normal to vent to friends about partners, things aren't hunky dory all of the time.
We have our reasons for moving house, a lot of it involves schools and needing to be closer to relatives. I just didn't expect a grimaced, sniggering put down when I told her (which it was, there was zero concern.)
She has reacted similarly to other things, like when I had my first child and I said when DS was a few months old, I was trying to get a bit more time to myself and for friends. She rolled her eyes and sniggered, then said "yes, youve become a boring mum". She does not have children or want them and seems to disagree with a lot of my life choices through little put downs and childish giggles.
It makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I guess it's difficult for other people to understand with out seeing the facial expressions or tone of voice.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 09-Oct-16 10:39:41

She is not a genuine friend - her loyalty is to herself.
(Lots of this sort of stuff is borne out of jealousy).
I would bin her.

PeppasNanna Sun 09-Oct-16 12:32:01

What do you get from this friendship?

springydaffs Sun 09-Oct-16 12:49:21

Frenemy? I have one of those; also l/t friend who was absolutely marvellous when I was very ill. Yet there are continual swipes coming my way from her. I'm wondering if she only likes me when I'm in a pathetic state - eg when I was very ill.

totslepots Sun 09-Oct-16 16:00:37

Springydaffs, I relate entirely! When there's a problem she appears able to lend a sympathetic ear, but then just as things are going well, she swipes away and uses it as ammo to bring me back down again (or attempts to). It's a bigger house that we're moving to so jealousy may well be a big factor.

NotYoda Sun 09-Oct-16 16:54:19

Look, I wouldn't bother coming on here and getting people who is in the wrong, and who's not. IMO if you regularly come away from a meeting with a friend feeling worse than you did before you met with them, then you need to distance yourself. Because life is too short.

NotYoda Sun 09-Oct-16 16:54:45

.. getting people tto say who is in the right etc

LovesPeace Sun 09-Oct-16 22:41:15

Friends should smile, nod and agree with you.
It's not their place to voice an opinion, other than complete admiration.

I am going to sack all of my friends who have the audacity to disagree with me or my life choices' too!

springydaffs Sun 09-Oct-16 22:52:19

LovesPeace - well said.

Openup41 Mon 10-Oct-16 07:22:53

True friends will pick us up on our actions. It is because they care.

However as Notyoda has stated - if you are constantly questioning yourself when you leave their presence it is time to move on.

NotYoda Tue 11-Oct-16 17:47:58


I think the point is not that friends should always agree with you, but that their opinions should not be voiced in ways that are unsupportive. I think that's what the OP is picking up on here

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now