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Sad about not that nice friend(7 Posts)
NC for this as could be outing. I had a friend I've known for ten years. In the last few years I realised how toxic the friendship was becoming, she could be very self absorbed and could make some very hurtful comments about my appearance, and would be condescending about how I grew up and my life now and was basically a bit of a snob. Despite that she was probably in all honesty the closest friend I had and would call often and try to see me but I started to feel very down every time I saw her and started distancing myself over a year ago. Earlier this year she started sending me text messages asking me to explain myself. It wasn't a good time for me. I had terrible flu which she knew and there was also the anniversary of a major bereavement which She also knew about. But she still persisted with texts saying I needed to explain myself when I saw her. I took it as a sign that of how insensitive and unpleasant she could be and decided (not without basis) that there was little
Point trying to even explain what had gone wrong.
I sent her an email when I was better saying I didn't want to see her anymore. She replied and was disingenuous about the texts she had sent saying she had just "missed" me and that she had been a great friend the past few months and didn't understand what had happened. I have never replied.
Thing is 10 months on I feel quite sad about the whole thing. I do sort of/sometimes miss my friend but also Particularly because a childhood friend of mine who is also a mutual Friend seems to have scaled back our own friendship in favour of this friend and another mutual friend and I am now left out of group invites. I sort of expected this to happen and my childhood friend knew why I had decided to stop speaking to my other friend but I didn't expect that she would stop seeing me too.
The last few years have been very tough and I feel that if I had been in a better place I would have been able to bat her comments away or salvage the relationship but I just couldn't. The whole thing has made me feel very sad. I'm an introvert and not that sociable and I just feel very alone. I would never contact my friend again. In the past other people have cut contact with
Her and then got back in touch and she has been scathing about them and not bothering. She gets very defensive whenever she falls out with people and thinks it's always the other persons fault and I know this is what would have happened here. And when I think of all the things she did I realise she wasn't always a great friend.
But I guess I just feel very sad and alone and am not sure even now how to move forward.
I wouldn't give her the headspace. Try and do something good for yourself that's going to give you a boost. Start a new sport/hobby or get involved in some voluntary work, just something new that will help you meet folk and have some fun.
With friends like that, who needs enemies? Classic frenemy.
Ok to feel sad about it but maybe throw yourself out there to meet some new people (not easy as an introvert I know) but relying on school friendships is not always the best, don't go back there out of obligation & lack of other contacts.
Interestingly I am on the other side of this situation with a school friend (although I'd like to think it isn't me!) but I haven't demanded an explanation, sometimes you have to let people go.
Thank you both for your replies. I am trying to do other things and it has helped a bit. But I just have this terrible gnawing sadness and loneliness. I think I realise I'm not as important to my childhood friend as I thought.
**georgethecat I think that is a good way to deal with it. I think if my friend had loosened the grip a bit and given me the space or even just gently enquired without demanding things might have been different
You've done the right thing, she would never have changed, just acted like it was in your head or she was joking so she could continue pushing your buttons. The likelihood is that she will start on someone else soon and her true colours will be revealed, people like this can't help themselves. I would try to maintain contact with your other mutual friends but also try to naturally make new friends - e.g. At work organise a night out with colleagues and see who you naturally get on with. I've had to let friends go and it did make me sad and I'm still a little sad about it - but then I think 'you're not the person I thought you were' - it's not that the friendship ended it just doesn't exist because they changed so much.
And if you find yourself feeling sad just get out and do something to take your mind off it - exercise or a walk or a nice look around the shops.
I just think you did the right thing, why tf would you want want to meet up with a person that makes you feel bad, that's crazy, and if the others think she's so freaking cool, let them go as well. Treat yourself to some new friends, ones that might treat you half way decent. Good riddance to her.
It's horrid when you need to detach from a fake friend and there's 'collateral'. I would concentrate on finding new friends, and working on your own self esteem, this way you could avoid this happening again.
I had to end a friendship and it really hurt but anytime I spent with her made me feel awful. that was sometime ago and I'm much better now at dealing with digs because I would now pull friends up very quickly if I felt they were trying to make me feel shit about myself.
I've not actually come anywhere near being in that situation again and i like to think it's because I quickly back off from people who are bitchy about other people.
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