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Think I need to get out, don't know where to start

(19 Posts)
plotmissinginaction Fri 07-Oct-16 20:08:57

Marriage not been good for a while. Mainly because he calls me names, swears at me in front of the kids and generally makes me feel like shit. Tomorrow is my. Fortieth and he has done nothing. Not even a cake or a card. I just feel lonely and worthless and I have had enough.

However I also feel very vulnerable. I have health issues that put me out of work a few years back. My confidence is in the gutter. I don't know if I and again survive financially, I don't know what work I can do that won't put me back in my bed again. I feel trapped.

Where do I start? I have no idea what to do.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Fri 07-Oct-16 20:37:47

Not sure what advice to give but sure others will be able to help. flowers

Mysecretgarden Fri 07-Oct-16 20:41:32

Well he is treating you like crap fore a start.
It is abusive and out of order.
It is not going to stop and you know it.
So you need to leave.
You'll see your confidence will start raising when you don't hear the same tune everyday.
Sounds like you need some help. Call helpline 0808 2000 247 for the UK. they can give you a lot of good advice and help you find emergency shelter while you are getting sorted.
And post. We will help too.

hermione2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 20:51:40

Happy birthday for tomorrow.Life begins at 40 so you are making a great start to think of leaving.

Does he work? Would he leave? There are always options and ways but it feels overwhelming at the start.Once you decide you can't continue you'll be surprised what and who comes into your life to help support you.

You deserve better, don't waste another decade.40 is young and a great time to start again.

plotmissinginaction Fri 07-Oct-16 21:16:26

He works. I do not. We have two children, one with additional needs. We own our house, joint mortgage. It was a mess when we bought it and still unfinished. It is actually my childhood home, it sat empty after my dad died until we bought it. My family love him. I feel wretched, hard enough to turn forty without feeling like I am in this situation.

hermione2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 21:25:39

What can you do tomorrow for YOU?

40 is young. I wish I knew that at the time! It really can be a good time in your life.

Do your family know how he treats you? I wouldn't protect him any longer, talking about it to others helps you realise how unacceptable it is.

plotmissinginaction Fri 07-Oct-16 21:34:37

I'm not sure, I will try and think of something. I saw a friend today so that was nice at least.

I spoke to my mother about it, my father was the same so she just wanted to talk about her own experience. She loves my husband though, I think she likes him more than she likes me. We have a complicated relationship, we get on well now and she helps with the kids a lot which I really appreciate but she was an alcoholic when I was growing up and so things can still be a bit tricky.

BeachysSandyFlipFlops Sat 08-Oct-16 08:14:26

Happy birthday cake first day of the rest of your life. Do you have close friends you could talk to in RL?

Good first step is Womens Aid. Time to talk through how you could make this work for you and the dc. Just believing that you could go will make you stronger.

plotmissinginaction Sat 08-Oct-16 14:39:19

Thank you. It's been a pretty awful day so far, he even had a go at me for sitting down to do some work on a course I am doing. But there's not much else for me to do until I go up to my brother's house. Mostly I am afraid of what will happen financially. How can I survive? I suppose I need to get some advice but I have a big fear of being forced into work that will then make me very unwell again. At the moment my condition is manageable because all I really have to do is take care of the house and kids. Anyway I will have to take it as it comes I suppose. I am kind of terrified.

BeachysSandyFlipFlops Sat 08-Oct-16 21:00:16

I'm not very good on the financial side of splitting up, but I think your health won't improve much if you stay.

I hope you have a good time at your brothers flowers

BeachysSandyFlipFlops Sat 08-Oct-16 21:00:58

I'm not very good on the financial side of splitting up, but I think your health won't improve much if you stay.

I hope you have a good time at your brothers flowers

BeachysSandyFlipFlops Sat 08-Oct-16 21:01:06

I'm not very good on the financial side of splitting up, but I think your health won't improve much if you stay.

I hope you have a good time at your brothers flowers

BeachysSandyFlipFlops Sat 08-Oct-16 21:01:34

Sorry! My phones playing up a lot...

plotmissinginaction Mon 10-Oct-16 10:14:42

Thank you, I had a nice time with my brother and his wife at least. I had a chat with my mum, she said she would support me but also was sort of on his side because he works really hard and is stressed and I don't earn any money. The thing is I could live with him being crap at birthdays, however hurtful, it's the other stuff I can't stand. I am afraid to bring it up though. Part of me thinks he's right, I should just get a bloody job as he puts it. Although what job he imagines I am going to get right now I don't know - I look every day for something suitable, there's not a lot of work out there just now.

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 10-Oct-16 10:18:48

You could speak to citizens advice about what benefits you would be entitled to. And you could ask GP to refer you for counselling so you can start to rebuild your confidence. You can do this flowers

plotmissinginaction Mon 10-Oct-16 11:08:47

Thank you. Kids off this week but I will start with CAB once they are back at school. I've never been confident with the money side of things so it's a thought.

JsOtherHalf Mon 10-Oct-16 17:49:52

Does the child with additional needs meet the criteria for Disability Living Allowance?

If the child get DLA middle or high rate Care, then you can claim carers allowance.

plotmissinginaction Thu 13-Oct-16 16:58:12

God question, I haven't checked but we are in the middle of a new set of assessments with him, he might be about get a change in diagnosis which might make a difference.

PickAChew Thu 13-Oct-16 19:02:00

DLA is based on need, not diagnosis, but information from the assessments may be useful evidence for an application. It's also a gateway benefit, so child tax credits would also be more, as there are additional disabled child and severely disabled child components, depending on the level of the DLA award.

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