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How long until you stopped the regrets and what ifs?

(22 Posts)
thebeeloudglade Fri 07-Oct-16 19:44:27

I'm at home relaxing with a glass of wine. My ex will be putting DC to bed. All the drama of breaking up seems so stupid now. I feel more clear headed than I have in a long time. Maybe even happy at times. We could be settling down to a nice Friday evening together. We did have those a long time ago.

It just feels like a shame to both be sat alone. I wanted to chat to him and enjoy his company when he came to get the children. I want to text him with no good reason.

Except there were good reasons for breaking up. I know that.

How long did it take you to stop going round in circles? To stop thinking what if?

Mysecretgarden Fri 07-Oct-16 20:44:57

So why did you leave him?
There must be a reason you are not together anymore.
Is it really him? Or is it the loneliness?

rememberthetime Fri 07-Oct-16 21:03:11

I am in the same position. I am on my third night alone after moving into my own place. He came over today to drop off some stuff and is obviously so angry with me. All my hope has vanished tonight. I feel lonely yet I was never more lonely than when I was with him. It just feels really hard at the moment like I made a huge mistake. I totally understand your feelings and also worder when life becomes normal again.
I am trying to think of all those things I said I would do when alone. But they don't seen so much fun now.
But the anxiety is less. I guess that is good.
Can you find a positive?

hermione2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 21:21:39

Once you are free from the day to day fighting it's hard to recall the bad times.The reality is that if you were together you might be feeling sad and walking on eggshells.

Its natural to regret a breakup and certainly no one should rush to divorce but no one takes it lightly.
Remember, I just don't know why they are angry, maybe because you wouldn't tolerate his behaviour?

Try and have a relaxing evening and maybe watch something to make you laugh.Going for a walk tomorrow in a peaceful area is also a good idea,

thebeeloudglade Fri 07-Oct-16 22:03:57

Yes, good reasons to be apart. I don't know if it's simply loneliness. Even though being together again wouldn't be right it's familiar. I guess it's easy. It's bizarre that something that wasn't happy should feel easy.

And yes, it's easy to forget the bad times.

Remember, it's such early days for you. I think in the first days I was briefly ecstatic, then it was a huge struggle. It was difficult to get through the nights when the children weren't here.

Now I can quickly find a way to ignore the doubts and feelings and know that they'll pass. I've just watched a film. And that's a big chunk of the evening gone. I watched a film (Suffragettes smile) which exH never fancied. It has taken me several months to unwind enough even to put the TV on.

Take things one day at a time. Despite my post, it gets easier I promise. The bad feelings become less. The tough nights less frequent.

I've noticed how I have started to enjoy my children more and more as my feelings lift. That's taken a couple of months. Don't expect too much too soon.

Well done on your new home.

I think I have been on a thread where you mentioned moving. I've NCed. Well done for doing it. I know that it's not easy. Take care. flowers

Whendoigetadayoff Fri 07-Oct-16 22:19:38

Split for couple years now. Tonight thinking same as you. Think that every so often. Just like I get reminders every so often of why we split up.
And I keep reminding myself the reason we get on now is because we make massive effort for children and because we aren't together any more!
Don't drink and text though. Don't do it to you and don't do it to him.

user1470579884 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:22:55

2 weeks for me now. Still going round in circle so obviously not long enough. Be brave.

pallasathena Fri 07-Oct-16 22:24:36

I think its about having confidence and belief in yourself. When you have both in spades, you don't even consider getting in touch with them because they are the past and you are the future.
Self belief, determination to live a good life, that's the secret to moving forward I found. And the knowledge that if they were still in your life you'd be stuffed.

Missyaggravation Fri 07-Oct-16 22:26:36

I went back to my long term ex many many times, before I realised I 100% didnt want him. Well not go back to him, but reached out to him. He is very much still in my life due to kids, but I can hand on heart say I wouldnt want him if he was the last man on earth.

It takes time to disengage from a long relationship

rememberthetime Fri 07-Oct-16 22:39:41

Yes still very early days. Thankfully I have a friend coming over tomorrow and my daughter is here. I an seeing my son in Sunday. I miss him and I think he is ignoring my texts. ..
The nights are not good. But having some early nights would do me good. Totally not drinking as I think that would be a disaster.
After 18 years of controlling ano emotionally abusive behaviour it feels weird to be able to truly do what you want. Still feel he is looking and judging me.
This is going to take a while. Luckily I have a counsellor I am seeing on Monday who has been there for me for 2 years week I built the confidence to go.
Sorry to snaffle your thread. But the stories of hope are good to read.

thebeeloudglade Sat 08-Oct-16 08:37:05

Thanks for the replies last night. I fell asleep quite early.
Working on the self belief and determination stuff. I'm definitely getting there.

I didn't text, posting here stopped me. I know it's a bad idea.

remember being in charge of yourself takes a lot of getting used to. I found it was all in my head. Even though I was alone I was still living as if we were together. But independence is great, giddily so at times. Hopefully you will find little moments in your new life where it's exciting to be your own person.

Have you got what you need in your new house? Making it cosy might be a nice way to pass time.

I hope things settle with your son. Good to have a friend visiting.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 08-Oct-16 08:38:19

About 2 years.
Now, wouldn't go back for £1m but for ages after I doubted. Stick with it.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sat 08-Oct-16 08:44:18

This is a really helpful thread! I'm still in the throes of separation (for good reasons) but last night I had a major wobble. Outside of loneliness, it's good to know that you can get to the point of positive relationships with the Ex. I read an article on the Danish concept of hygge and how it can be incorporated into divorce relationships. If things can be kept as good as possible for DCs, that's the important thing.

daisychain01 Sat 08-Oct-16 08:48:57

Feelings for someone can't unfortunately be turned off like a tap.

Circumstances have torn you apart, bad behaviours that were unacceptable then (and now) got in the way of the person you were originally attracted to, and spoiled the dream you had wished for.

Just keep rebuilding your life and remember there is no point hanging on to memories. The person may be beautiful in your mind but they are damaging in reality.

thebeeloudglade Sat 08-Oct-16 11:37:17

2 years Poldark! A few months isn't so bad then.

You make sense Daisy.

We text/email a lot. Always about DC. 9 messages from him this morning! I love them - photos of DC who I miss. It kind of makes me sad to see them too. We're maybe not helping each other.

Elisaveta we worried so much before splitting about DC but we are managing it so well. Far more amicably than I could have ever hoped for.

Interesting re Hygge. I'm going to have a read. I would say though that I understand focusing energy on making it ok for DC but it needs to work for you too. I sometimes find it a bit blurry re boundaries.

And while relationship difficulties are not DCs' problem, some difficulties, like control (re my own circs) mean it's maybe unrealistic to hope for a perfect happy "split" family. Or maybe not. I'm not sure yet, tricky to factor in.

I hope things are going ok for you. flowers

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sat 08-Oct-16 12:24:13

Thank you OP. Good advice about clear boundaries, I know that's right but think it will be a bit of a minefield to negotiate. Maybe there is no perfect scenario when you're split, but we can aim for something which works.

HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 12:36:53

But I don't think you are missing him. You are missing your old family based Friday night. You are missing your child, because he's not with you. It's difficult to think of them doing stuff, with a big "you" shaped hole. It's very, very difficult. When I was in your shoes, I filled my nights by throwing myself in to on-line dating with wine I met my DH on there! I'd suggest either doing that (if you are ready) or planning lovely things to do, when your child is with the ex. Anything from a night out with friends, or watching a box set.

rememberthetime Sat 08-Oct-16 22:06:00

Better night tonight. My son had phone issues and was therefore unable to respond to my texts yesterday - but he texted me today. Had a long and boring day - but spent time watching telly and relaxing this evening and feel better.
I still feel tearful first thing in the morning when realise things are changed. But I refuse to lie there thinking about it and i get up and get on with my day. No wallowing should be our motto.

lilybetsy Sat 08-Oct-16 22:16:13

I'm 7 weeks in, it's much better now. I'm happier, kids are happier. Don't miss him at all... we were together almost six years ,.... in the end it was SO fucking awful that the relief of being less stressed makes us all SO happy ...

apintofharpandapacketofdates Sat 08-Oct-16 22:17:24

our lines are massively blurred due to circumstances. agree it can be confusing but I've made my peace with it and remind myself its good for the kids.

Whenever I find myself confused, I remember that my 'clear-headed' times are by far and away when I am satisfied I have done the right thing

I am starting to think that's my instinct talking, which I had lost for so long.

Very best wishes to you OP

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sat 08-Oct-16 22:45:44

My STBXH is away this weekend and we have had a lovely, calm, chilled out time. It's ironic that although he repeatedly says he's worried how I will cope when I'm on my own, it's been so much easier. I don't know how DCs will react when we tell them, but I do know they won't be listening to shouting when they're in bed, or having police officers come in and question them. This is the right decision, and thank you MNetters for reminding me of that.

thebeeloudglade Sun 30-Oct-16 20:01:03

Another big wobbly weekend - all my willpower not to have a cry and tell him it was all a mistake. I knew this was coming. Amazing half term week and DC are now with him so the house feels so horribly empty.

I just remembered this thread (as I was about to post a similar one blush) and have re-read the sensible comments.

Thought id post and ask how others are doing if reading? There were a couple in similar position.

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