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Is it the lack of sex? Is it me? Was I in the right or he?

(105 Posts)
thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:07:11

This is going to be a long one, so here it goes.

I was with DS dad for a very long time. We did live together, but I couldn't stand his controlling ways, constant nagging for sex, unpredictable temper and I didn't want DS to be brought up in that sort of environment, so I left and I now live with my parents.

Here's the issue, when I was with DS dad, the lack of sex was an issue. He has a very high sex drive; I don't have a high sex drive at all. But when I was living with DS dad, I would give him sex constantly just so that he can stop whining as he will get very angry and accuse me of all sorts. Also, DS dad was very unhelpful around the house, he hardly took me out anywhere, we hardly did things as a family, but he was very good with DS. But I started to feel used, horrible feeling, and after a while, on top of other things that I mentioned above, it was too much and I left.

When I went to live at my parents house, things started to change (we were still together at this point-- but I went to live at my parents house for that break ifyswim). DS dad had hardly been to take out DS anywhere, doesn't give me money to support his DS (well he has no job but gets benefits), he doesn't like going out to social places, so he would hardly take me out anywhere, but he would constantly tell me to go to his flat to have sex. When we did go out, it was like DS dad expected sex in return. Almost like a reward when he took me out. It got to a point that I was worried to invite DS dad to parents evenings, events, days out etc incase he did come and expected sex in return. If I refused, DS dad would go into a fit in public.

I hated it, I felt used. I didn't feel like we were in a relationship. He wasn't providing my emotional needs, as well as DS! I felt like he hardly did anything for his DS despite the fact that our DS has special needs. So I was doing all his care. So I thought, why do I need to give this man sex, when he doesn't do anything really to contribute to the relationship...relationships are suppose to be equal, balancing out each others emotional and physical needs right?

I had enough, so all in all, I decided that until DS dad supports his son (emotionally, financially etc) and supports me (emotionally etc), I would refuse giving him sex and end the relationship with him. Which I did, it has been 8 months now.

Just today, DS dad called me and we had a discussion about the issues in our past relationship. DS dad wants to get back with me, but he quickly (sigh) started to ask me if I can come back to his to have sex. As I have filed for child maintenance, which is £7.00 a week as his on benefits. DS dad said he has "changed" that he has done everything that I have asked him to do..regarding supporting DS financially through child maintenance (he see's DS now and again) and that I expect him to give me all my wants, but I wouldn't give him anything in return (*sex*). I told DS dad, that despite what CM say, £7.00 a week is not enough, that I struggle daily to provide for DS and his needs (he has severe allergies as well as SEN) and that he should be ashamed of giving DS so little. He even gloatly told me that his actually working in a bar and gets cash in hand angry.

He then began to say that he still loves me hmm, and wants me back. I then said ok, but can we take things slow, like go on dates, go out to public places . He then replied that I know he hates going out socially, he has no money and that we can go to the park and go to his after (sigh-again). I told him no, that this is why I dumped you in the first place, that until he starts providing for DS, emotionally supporting me and DS, being more their for us as a family, then I will get back with you. He got miffed and hanged up.

Oh..he even told me that even though he and I aren't together, that if I find a new boyfriend, he will leave DS and I for good confused.

I think I'm wasting my time sad.

AnyFucker Fri 07-Oct-16 00:09:46

I think it it has taken you far too long to come to that conclusion.

Scarydinosaurs Fri 07-Oct-16 00:18:53

^^ exactly this.

HelenaDove Fri 07-Oct-16 00:19:58

What a huge entitled abusive manchild.

You are FAR better off without him.

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:20:11 don't think his in the right? I hear other people on Mumsnetters complain about their lack of sex lives and thought he was in the right.

VimFuego101 Fri 07-Oct-16 00:21:30

It's not you, it's him. He sounds hideous and I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with him. HTH.

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:23:06

I want togged back with him sad, but I feel like I'm wasting my time.

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:23:21

*to get

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:23:39

Oh, what is HTH?

AnyFucker Fri 07-Oct-16 00:26:15

Why do you want to get back with him ? He sounds horrible and very bad for you. This is a terrible relationship to model for your son.

Zeeandra Fri 07-Oct-16 00:26:31

If you get back with him you are in for a life of him demanding sex for every little thing he ever does. Sorry but this isn't normal. He doesn't care for either of you he just wants sex from what I can tell.

I advise one or all of these: Stay away from him. Take his money. Report his lying ass for cash in hand work. Let him see DS only IF he is responsible and trustworthy. Move on.

VimFuego101 Fri 07-Oct-16 00:27:11

HTH means 'hope that helps'; I was being a bit flippant, but honestly, he's not going to change.

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:32:25

AnyFucker As I have been with him for so many years sad.

Zeeandra They were times that he didn't ask for sex when he went out. When he did, I will lie and tell him that I'm on my period (as I know he doesn't like it when I'm on my monthly) and all we be fine and we can enjoy they.

thewomanwiththepearlearring Fri 07-Oct-16 00:33:01


AnyFucker Fri 07-Oct-16 00:37:53

And he has treated you like a wank sock for so many years

Put an end to it now

Canyouforgiveher Fri 07-Oct-16 00:39:33

He is horrible.

The day he leaves, taking his 7 pounds a week with him will be a real relief for you and your son.

Please, before you get into another relationship start asking yourself why you put up with this shit and telling yourself that you are worth way way more - because you are.

PoppyPicklesPenguin Fri 07-Oct-16 00:43:29

So he gets cash in hand from working in a pub, claims benefits and gives you an amazing £7 a week to support the child you have together

He wants to see you again, to have sex with you because of how much he has "changed"

And you want to go and see him, but your tell him your on your period so you don't have to have sex with him so you can enjoy the day.

End it now!

SpareASquare Fri 07-Oct-16 01:25:34

Makes me sad that you think this is all you deserve. It's not.

Walk away OP. You don't want your child to have this 'relationship' as his model of 'normal'

nooka Fri 07-Oct-16 01:45:23

OP you didn't just 'fell' like you were being used, you were being used. Well done on leaving, please do your best to stay away.

This is not just incompatible sex drive issue, maybe you don't have a high sex drive, but you know it's just as likely that with a loving partner you'd have a perfectly ordinary sex drive. It doesn't sound as if your ex understands that sex isn't something that you demand (unless you are sexually abusive). It is a mutually pleasurable activity that's as much as giving your partner pleasure as it is being pleasured yourself.

My dh and I haven't always been aligned when it comes to sex, sometimes he has been more interested, sometimes I have. However neither of us have ever demanded the other 'gave' them sex because that's horrible. We've just felt a bit sad and sometimes a bit rejected too. Of course on occasion we have both had sex primarily in order to make each other happy, but you know having sex with someone who isn't in the mood isn't actually much fun. Demanding sex is pretty getting into pretty rapey territory IMO.

sykadelic Fri 07-Oct-16 03:35:47

So basically what you're saying is, he never does anything nice for you without expecting something in return.

Imagine that's not your ex, imagine it's a friend. Imagine going out with a friend of the day doing something similar, a movie, the park with the kids etc. Now imagine while you're at the park your friend turns to you and says "well, I've done what you wanted, now I need you to come to my house and look after my kids while I go out on the town" or "Okay so I did what you wanted so now give me the keys to your car, but make sure it's got a full tank, so I can go out and about. No you're not invited, this is just for me".

Now imagine when your son is older and he says to his dad "can we go out and play catch?" and he says "sure, but only if you rub my feet when we're done", or "sure, but I expect you to do what I want for the rest of the evening".

Being with someone who is so self absorbed they can't do anything for you without expecting something (anything) in return is extremely trying. When that person is someone who is supposed to love and cherish you, and that thing is to use your body for his own wants, regardless of your feelings, that's awful. It's beyond awful actually and it's really sad that you still have any sort of affection for him because I'm not sure what his redeeming features are.

YokoUhOh Fri 07-Oct-16 03:56:03

*because I have been with him for so long'

Google 'sunken costs fallacy'OP

CheerfulYank Fri 07-Oct-16 04:05:50



God no. Get rid as soon as possible and don't look back. Normal men don't behave like this in the slightest. He is abusive and a complete douchebag.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 07-Oct-16 04:13:32

You did absolutely the right thing in leaving him in the first place - he sucks.
So what if you were with him for ages before? None of it was great, was it?

You were, effectively, his sex-doll. Your preferences, your choices, your needs, your feelings were all completely overridden by his desire to get his end away - you meant that little to him. Long-term booty-call - and in all honesty, that is all this is too, a booty call.

He doesn't want to change, he just wants you back so he can have sex on tap again.

You don't want that, so why in the name of all that's holy would you even consider it??!

He doesn't love you, or really even your DS - or he wouldn't threaten to never see him again if you get another boyfriend.

Just let him go. In fact, INVENT another boyfriend to get rid of him.

OlennasWimple Fri 07-Oct-16 04:26:23

OP - do you perhaps come from a background where women are supposed to do whatever men say, including having sex with them whenever they want?

uhoh2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 04:33:04

Forget him walk away. Separate the 2 relationships he is ds Dad and that's the only relationship you need to concern yourself with- you 2 don't have a relationship you are no longer a family.

Don't let his threat of cutting you off stop you from entering a new relationship it's probably just his jealousy talking and realises the Shame that you and your ds can do so much better than a waster like him.
I'm sure when you are ready to date again you'll find someone who not only loves/wants you but also your ds too .

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