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this was a horrible thing for him to do wasnt it?

(17 Posts)
buddhasbelly Thu 06-Oct-16 18:38:04

Hi, my self esteem is quite low at the moment so struggling to understand if what he has done is wrong.

Found out I was pregnant (had used contraception just sadly didn't work). Told exp and said that I was leaning towards termination as I wasn't in a position to be raising a child on my own. I had thought a lot about it, taken time to go through everything but thought exp had a right to know.

Exp then spent a lot of time telling me that he would be there for me whatever it takes, that we can do this, that we can make this work (not as a couple but just support wise etc). I said I would go and think about it all and in the meantime cancel my hospital appt to give me the space to think things through.

Anyway, I changed my mind thinking that we were both on the same page and thought I could rely on exp.

Fast forward to yesterday and I couldn't get a hold of him to tell him I have a booking in appt at my docs. He then phones this morning saying that we got carried away and were romanticizing the idea and that he couldn't stand the thought of me moving on and someone else raising his child. He said that I hadn't thought through the practicalities (I had and had spoken through all of my concerns with him to which he kept saying he would be there every step of the way etc).

I'm now left being more attached to this and finding it really difficult to come to a decision, when i had already managed to detach myself from the baby before. Is it me or was this a cruel thing for him to do?

expatinscotland Thu 06-Oct-16 18:41:46

He's a total dick.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 06-Oct-16 18:43:34

He's a complete tosser. He doesn't get to choose that you don't have a baby because he doesn't want someone else to look after it though!

ErrolTheDragon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:44:12

Yes ... perhaps not deliberately cruel, but certainly very thoughtless and inconsiderate. And he's gaslighting you with the 'we got carried away' and that you hadn't thought it through - trying to duck out of being the one who's messed up here.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this hard place.

booksandcoffee Thu 06-Oct-16 18:45:03

Have a big hug! It sounds like reality has suddenly hit your exp and scared him a bit. It also sounds like he could be wanting you back, or am I misreading that? Is he the sort who gets nervous, but once immersed in the reality of things then deals with it? Good luck, whatever your decision.

neonrainbow Thu 06-Oct-16 18:47:28

So he's changed his mind just like you have. It sounds like you're happy to place all the blame on him but you can't have been sure or you wouldn't have cancelled your appointment.

Hassled Thu 06-Oct-16 18:48:37

Yes, it was a bastardly cruel thing to do. But you absolutely know now that you'll be on your own with this potential baby. So whatever decision you make, make it on that basis. It's an awful situation to be in - I really feel for you.

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Thu 06-Oct-16 18:49:01

I don't think he's necessarily being a dick, a bit thoughtless yes, but he's probably just panicking in the same way that you did to begin with (albeit a delayed panic). You're likely to feel hurt and that's completely understandable, but it is essentially your choice and he doesn't sound like the type to walk away from his responsibilities, whatever you decide.

AndShesGone Thu 06-Oct-16 18:52:28

Stop talking to him

It's entirely up to you. And if you want to do it you can flowers

Lunar1 Thu 06-Oct-16 18:54:46

Ultimately of course the decision is yours. But I'm not sure why others are being so harsh about him, you have both now had a wobble each way. I'd arrange to meet in a few days to talk to him when the news has settled in.

Neverknowingly Thu 06-Oct-16 18:56:02

I don't think we can just assume he is being a dick. This is a BIG THING.

As you said, you gave yourself lots of time to think about things go through everything before you told him. It does not sound as if he had that luxury before he told you his first reaction.

After taking the same amount of time that you had, he then came to the same conclusion that you initially did.

Unless I've misunderstood how things happened?

I'm very sorry - I can totally understand that this is very emotional for you. I'm just not sure that he has necessarily been a dick.

buddhasbelly Thu 06-Oct-16 18:59:02

Thank you for the replies.

What upset me were that his reasons for changing his mind were centred around him eg he didn't want to have to arrange contact around me and my life - I said thats why you get an agreed pattern in place.

When I tried to discuss how I was feeling he said he had to go and that he wouldn't be available for the rest of the day.

I understand he has the right to change his mind but for the last few weeks he has been contacting me saying how much he still loves me and that he really really wants this. It's just such a big u-turn in such a short space of time.

At least yes the decision now feels like mine and mine alone.

buddhasbelly Thu 06-Oct-16 19:04:42

I dont think he has intentionally meant to upset me, just thats how I feel.

OliviaStabler Thu 06-Oct-16 19:17:44

I don't think he meant to be cruel. Reality has finally hit him. Before he said what he probably initially did feel. Now the cold hard reality of what he had said has surfaced.

You can no longer rely on him. Make your decision on what to do based on facing this alone.

Good luck.

RedRoses Thu 06-Oct-16 19:21:24

It sounds as if he got carried away and felt very guilty about it and then once he was alone reality hit.
YOU are on your own with this and you need tomato the decision for yourself now. Bloody hard you poor thing

buddhasbelly Thu 06-Oct-16 19:38:12

Sorry to drip feed but just wanted to lay out the bare facts without trying to seem like I'm intentionally painting him in a bad light.

I have a dd from a previous relationship and my main reason which I had told him was that I had crippling pnd with my dd (a lot to do with her abusive father) and i was terrified of ever feeling like that again to which he was saying this time it would be different, he would be there to support me all the way. Now the u-turn, it's just upset me all these ups and downs.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 06-Oct-16 19:40:19

At least he is being honest with you, that deserves some respect.

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