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Am I just not enough or does he need a councillor?

(22 Posts)
Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 16:10:06

We had a little unplanned miracle. I wasn't meant to be able to have kids but I'm now pregnant and couldn't be happier about it.

My partner, who second to the baby, I live more than anything, had announced he doesn't want it. He accepts my choice to keep it but had now thrown in that he was unsure about us too. Together nearly 2 years we lived together from the start (I as his lodger) we have had some amazing time and some sad ones with the loss of my mum last October. We don't argue, like the same things, eat similarly, get on well with each other's friends and family, support each others hobbies and work, pre baby had a good (less when he has work stress) sex life, etc etc. On paper all seemed perfect and I was expecting a ring next year. Turns out his best friend and his wife thought the same, so it wasn't in my head.

I'm shocked by this turn of events. The only reason he seems to give us that he is finding life tough right now and that h would like more space. Not sure how linked the two are as he is pretty vague. We live in lovely 4 store house, have our own offices at home, spare bed room (which sadly I'm now staying in), and still have a room for the nursery. His office is huge and has a tv and space for a sofa but he says he can't chill out there as its a work stress zone.

He says maybe he is just a loner but he had a good number of close friends plus a wide social circle. He's one of 5 kids and his parents split when he was at uni. I'm his first serious girlfriend. He was the first one to say he saw a future and called us an us and a team and used to refer to most things as ours. Our house or bed or treat ( when he paid for friends at dinner etc).

I know there is normal new father panic, (I think he will be a wonderful dad) but I'm wondering if this is something deeper and if I'm right to push for a councillor. Ideally couples to start with. This baby deserves a family by I will do it alone if I have to.

An old friend of his an newish friend of mine raised it first. She had long spotted his lack of emotion. He hims f had said h had been accused of being very cold, something I have long witnessed. I have read relationship books to try and understand him but think he needs professional help. His family are lovely but pretty reserved. They don't hug when they great each other or say I love you. Very standard things in my family. He is the eldest at 37 and none of the others are in relationships. His mother never had anyone since his husband left the picture.

Am I over thinking?

Anyone experienced anything similar with a partner?

He says he loves me but maybe he doesn't know what love is? I would never do this to someone I love who is clearly in need right now.


HyperStripe Thu 06-Oct-16 16:13:35

Didn't want to read and leave sad having a baby is a huge thing to happen in both your lives, has he said he's been feeling like he doesn't want to have it for long?

ocelot7 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:24:57

He can love you but not want the commitment of a baby now it has become a reality... Counselling isn't going to change this I think and it wouldn't help to suggest it

How old are you? And do you have friends/family nearby for support?

You can manage this by yourself if you had to - many do. My then bf left me when I was pregnant - looking back I'm so glad to have my son instead of him! smile

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Oct-16 16:48:00

Get you get away and stay with family for a week or so to think all this through?
It must be very hard in the same space as him.
Would your family look after you for a little while?
I really think he needs to understand what life will be like without you around.
He might think differently then.
He might not - he might like being on his own.
So which ever way it goes it's best for you to know now anyway.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 17:15:07

Counselling doesn't change your personality or your situation.

Neither of you had actually committed to a long term relationship before you got pregnant. You hadn't even had to have a moving in together decision. It doesn't matter if all the people in the world thought you and he might eventually end up getting married and staying together forever: neither of you ever actually made that decision.

He has said he doesn't want the baby. He has said he wasn't even sure about the relationship any more. That's not new dad panic. That's honesty about his feelings about the relationship. I would never do this to someone I love who is clearly in need right now. It would be cruel to pretend. The resentment would destroy you both. It isn't love to lie about your feelings or to future-fake.

Normally I have a hard line on if you don't use contraception then that's a planned pregnancy but from what you've written, I guess you told him not to use protection because you can't get pregnant.

I suggest you start discussing co-parenting arrangements, child maintenance and planning where you are going to live.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It is wonderful that you got pregnant when you thought you couldn't.

Single motherhood with an ex who co-parents nicely is much better than a forced marriage where you both seeth with suspicion and resentment.

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:02:36

He's pretty much said since we found out he doesn't want it now (4-5 years but then he also said even if it had been a years time that would have been better).

He chose to official move in together after a few months and combined all our stuff and moved into same bedroom etc. We had a whole weekend of it. Until now he has always said he saw us as long term and a team etc.

He sat me down two nights ago and said he really wants to try and wars this to work and we have agreed he won't know how he feels about the baby until it arrives so no big decisions until then. Luckily he is in financial position to care for me and baby even if we are in a separate home (one less worry).

I guess my original post was less baby advise and more relationship, had anyone helped a partner through therapy or similar. I feel like his emotional issue stem back to his father leave and that's there more to that story.

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:05:31

Sadly I don't have anywhere else to go. Work is already an hour away but also there isn't anyone I can stay with from more than a night.

ImperialBlether Thu 06-Oct-16 18:13:23

How old are you both? Why did you think you couldn't have children?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 06-Oct-16 18:13:46

Sound like maybe he is worried he won't be able to support a child emotionally. Maybe he felt your relationship was ideal for him as the expectations weren't as much as one with children. Ordinarily I think people asking for space is a cop out from life and it's responsibilities but in this instance I think he really does need it to get his head together. I would be inclined to hang around. All be it in separate rooms. Embrace your wonderful news and enjoy your bump. Maybe offer him info on the journey of pregnancy and parenthood to read in his own time - big waiting game but maybe worth it.

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:16:30

I'm 29 and he is 37.

I was on the pill to regulate periods without I had 2 or less a year which brings increased risk of ovarian cancer.

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:18:29

I have PSOC and wasn't ovulating. I have tried for a while with a previous partner and I had also had this massive infection as a teen where they had to drain my abdominal area and rearrange my internal organs X

BabooshkaKate Thu 06-Oct-16 18:20:26

What were his views on babies before?

What do you have in savings?

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:22:22

I have PSOC and wasn't ovulating. I have tried for a while with a previous partner and I had also had this massive infection as a teen where they had to drain my abdominal area and rearrange my internal organs X

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 18:23:46

He wanted them one day and still does.

I had just spent my saving or good night back to education and starting my own business in fitness which I have to give up at the end of Novembersad

BabooshkaKate Thu 06-Oct-16 18:33:32

One day? The man is 37 he hardly has the luxury of kicking this into the long grass.

He needs to tell you why he's not sure all of a sudden because I'm sorry OP but it sounds to me that he was with you through convenience.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 18:36:05

On the one hand it is good that he wants to try to make it work.

On the other hand it is fucking awful that he is going to wait and see what it is like when the baby is born. You will feel like you have to put on a perfect show to make him stay. That's a recipe for disaster. If he decides it is not for him that's a major kick in the teeth to you and the baby.

Has he said that he wants therapy for his daddy issues? Counselling generally only works if the person actually wants to change something about themselves.

I also think you should have a solid plan for separating. You've agreed that you might split up in a few months when you have a new baby if he's not feeling into it. Hopefully, he will decide this is what he wants and you won't need to enact the plan but the plan needs to be there. When you are exhausted from new baby (while simultaneously making sure DP is totally happy at all times so he won't leave), that will be a shit time to calmly research your exit options. Do it now. Get your finances in order.

Silvamoon Thu 06-Oct-16 20:10:22

I would never manage putting on show etc I'm always me haha. He does what to sort it out but I don't think he (Or I tbh) really know what the issue is. It's a friend of his who had known him for year pointed out the dad thing.

youcantgoback Thu 06-Oct-16 20:54:22

My DP reacted a bit like yours. Years after having our baby, my DP told me he wished it wasn't happening, when I told him I was pregnant. At the time I could tell he wasn't at all sure although we'd been together 10 years and he was 35. He was a scared little boy really. He knew we'd been a bit careless a couple of times, but was still surprised. We got married but I think he just wanted the baby to take his name! I think men change when they meet their baby. I know he never regretted having our 2 DCs though and loves them dearly. His a hands on dad but the baby years weren't his thing.
It must have been a huge, almost traumatic shock for your DP. And for you! It's good that he's been honest and maybe just needs time?
Whatever he decides, how lucky for you to get pregnant against such odds! Make sure you look after yourself.

Silvamoon Mon 19-Dec-16 20:22:43

We are both doing much better. Baby is a little girl and he even bought her a book the other day The Snowman. We are 21+4 now.

I wouldn't say he is completely there. We had one couples session and he had one solo. I was hoping for more but at least it opened up more dialogue between us two.


Happybunny19 Mon 19-Dec-16 20:47:17

Hi Silva, great to hear things have improved. I think if he's started to buy her things, he's started to think of her as a real person. I bet once she's born he'll be head over heals. The most enthusiastic partner with a planned for baby often has trouble feeling anything for them until their born. I'm really optimistic it'll be ok for your family.

Silvamoon Mon 19-Dec-16 21:12:18

Thank you Happybunny. I'm really hopeful.
One of the big things he has realised is that he really struggles with not being in control, in a very unhealthy way. It's something he wants to try and work on. I love him so much and just want to see him happy, but he can't control everything, that's just life. X

Happybunny19 Mon 19-Dec-16 21:30:43

Well having children teaches you that you can't always be in control pretty quickly, he could be in for a surprise wink

Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

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