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How do I deal with this?

(18 Posts)
MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 15:42:06

Hi, I've posted about this before but there have since been developments and I find myself very hurt and angry. I'm sorry it's so long but I'd really appreciate it if a few mnetters could read it.

My db and sil are very good friends with my exdh and his dp. I'm close to sil, less so to my db but we've always socialised. Up until 3 weeks ago I thought exdh and I were still very good friends until he told me that he didn't want to socialise anymore as it 'felt weird'. This was a big surprise as I thought we all got on really well. They had a huge housewarming the weekend after which I wasn't aware of until the next day, and all my friends were there. I then found out yesterday from my own dc that db and sil have gone on the holiday that I knew exdh and his dp went on. I hardly ever see db and sil anymore and I'm absolutely gutted to have lost my best friend (exdh). It really hurts to be rejected, but the things that makes me angry is the secrecy. We're not kids ffs! They all went away for exdh's birthday in April and they don't know that I know about it.

Until exdh met his dp in December we were really good friends still. She also seemed really lovely and warm for a few months. He asked me to do some work on their garden for them but she hired someone else without telling me I wasn't needed anymore. She arranged a baby shower for exdh's dsis and I wasn't invited, despite us being family for years. Gradually I was excluded more and more from his social life. I totally understand if she's/they're not comfortable with socialising anymore but I wish they'd been more direct about letting me know, instead of this insidious method they've been using.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not but I have a feeling it is. Ds1 had a project over the summer holidays. He needed to make a scrapbook with photos of his holidays. I whatsapped the photos from my time with the dc to exdh as requested. His dp helped ds with the project and only included their photos. She had mine but claimed the printer ran out of ink. I accepted that explanation at the time, but now, after the recent secrecy and exclusions I'm not convinced it wasn't on purpose.

I'm so hurt by my db and sil colluding with them, I feel like I don't want to see them for a bit until I have got over it. I'm also very wary of the new dp now. I'm worried about how far she will go to alienate me from 'my people', especially the dc.

Does anyone have any advice about how I can get over the rejection, and how to not let her affect my life?


MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 17:40:57


Unrequitedlove Thu 06-Oct-16 17:55:59

I typed a longer answer but it didn't work angry
I think your exdh is truly moving on now, perhaps his new dp has some influence here. Unfortunately you need to respect that the relationship will change.. I think this is the next stage to moving on..
tricky with your db.. I really think the secrecy is about not hurting you.. it may be awkward for them too?

MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 18:07:39

I do respect it, I just wish they were upfront about it. As far as db goes, do I just pretend that I don't know to prevent them from feeling awkward?

CannotEvenDeal Thu 06-Oct-16 18:21:12

I'm absolutely gutted to have lost my best friend

Sadly I suppose this was inevitable eventually though.... why did you split up?

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 18:23:56

Well I think you have to accept exdp moving on, maybe in time his dp will feel more secure and a pleasant relationship with you will develop.

It does hurt that they are 'in' with your family but you are excluded from any of their family gatherings. It is normal after divorce to not attend those kind of events when there is a new partner on the scene. Doesn't mean you can't still be in contact with ex hubbys sister.

If you are close to db wife then you should talk to her, perhaps not say you don't want them in contact but just talk about how you are feeling about everything else.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 18:54:45

Tell DB/SIL that you know they are still good friends with exH and that's fine, you know it is normal for you and exH to be more distant over time, especially now he has a serious gf. No reason to be awkward or hide things, you won't mind if they mention the housewarming party or anything.

Then fake being ok with it until you are ok with it.

MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 20:36:19

That's great advice RunRabbit.

Cannot we split because what we had was a very good longstanding friendship rather than a marriage. We were good friends for years before we got together 14 years ago, and we probably should have split up long before we did but we didn't want jeopardise the friendship. He said over and over that splitting wouldn't affect it, but things have moved on now. I think he found it hard when I started seeing my bf but tried to be pleased for me. I was so happy when he met his dp as she seemed really lovely and they're very well matched, much better than he and I ever were. Recently though I've become more wary of them both because of the incidents in my OP.

Unrequitedlove Thu 06-Oct-16 20:43:15

Not sure how you could genuinely feel 'so' happy for them.. you're still emotionally invested in him by being gutted you've lost your best friend?
Your brother though- tell him how you feel.
You haven't moved in properly from your exdh ..

garlicandsapphire Thu 06-Oct-16 20:51:04

I'm divorced and met a new man. He insisted I socialised with his XW and the mother of his child (different people). I just found it weird and very uncomfortable and I'm really friendly and warm to everyone. Just couldn't get why I had to spend time with them. And I'm on good terms with my Xh but no one has to hang out together. I think its healthy to move on. I agree with RunRabbit how to handle it.

MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 20:52:19

When they first met in December I was very happy for them. I haven't had romantic feelings for exdh for a long time, and it was lovely to see my best mate find someone he really connected with, as I felt guilty that I couldn't be that person when we were together. She also adores the dc and is heavily involved in their life. Things didn't start to become strained until March/April and it's been a gradual but steady decline in the friendship ever since.

Unrequitedlove Thu 06-Oct-16 20:55:28

Then it's his new partner that I think is the influence

MattBerrysHair Thu 06-Oct-16 21:02:24

What about the school project and the exclusion of my photos? Do I assume she's telling the truth about the printer ink or should I expect to see more of that sort of thing in the future? Could it just be her way of saying "more distance please", or could it be more sinister?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 08-Oct-16 20:38:01

It's simply that his new woman wasn't comfortable with the friendship and he has respected her feelings.

fecketyfeck Sat 08-Oct-16 20:49:14

I don't know what you'd do about it but I just wanted to say you have my sympathies and it's absolutely shit when it feels like your own siblings pick your ex over you. I have 4 brothers and one sister and have been NC with two of my brothers for around 18 months now as they have chosen my exdh over me.

Exdh was/is a controlling, possessive arse and is probably absolutely loving it that he has half of my family. To be fair to my brothers it was actually more their wives that caused it but it just hurt me so much to see them all playing happy families on facebook when I hadn't seen either of my brothers for over a year and didn't know when I ever would, that I just had to cut contact.

Sorry no help or advice but thoughts a sympathy, I know it's not easy.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 08-Oct-16 21:13:45

Understandable that new women doesn't want you around (although the photo thing says a lot about her character (not good), and no she didn't run out of ink, she could have easily bought some).
But your own DB an SIL choosing to invite them over you to their house warming is very wrong. It should have been both of you, and if new women couldn't handle that, it should have been you over them

Cherrysoup Sat 08-Oct-16 21:18:14

I think you need to let his new gf that you know she doesn't want you so involved. Unfortunately for her, you will forever be involved to an extent due to having DC together.

You also need a chat with your db: tell him to stop the secrecy, it's a tangled web, you will find out one way or another: he may as well just tell you what he's up to with your ex.

I can imagine you're very hurt, of course you are. Your ex really is moving on, but your family need to support you as well as staying friends with your ex.

MattBerrysHair Sun 09-Oct-16 17:07:08

Thanks for the replies. It's a huge comfort to know that people understand why I'm hurt and I'm not being completely ridiculous. I've had time over the weekend to process everything and I'm ok now. I can accept their friendship and that exdh needs to maintain distance from me now. I'm going to remain dignified and cheery when I'm with any of them, ask if they all had a nice holiday and leave it at that. Hopefully they'll figure out that the secrecy is not necessary and stop trying to badly cover things up.

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