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EXP contacted my mum and said I have stopped visitation because he won't have wed with me anymore

(35 Posts)
MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 11:57:00

I've written before, EXP had an affair, usual nonsense, I exchanged words with the other woman and told a lie. Shouldn't have even bothered, she doesn't care, she wants him and he can do no wrong.

So he had the kids, Tuesday all day and overnight and returned them Wednesday afternoon. He wanted to have them this weekend also but he wasn't giving a definite pick up time/ drop off time. So I just blocked him on my phone and got on with things instead of waiting till his highness was ready for them. Cue big row, OW got involved I texted her some vicious stuff back telling her to mind her own bleeping business. She seems to feel like she has some say in my children's life. So anyways after rowing for hours, yes hours, I agree to mediation. For us to work out a schedule and a time for pick up and drop offs so he's not messing me about and I can plan stuff.

Next morning my mum calls, she's easily alarmed, and it was horrible. I can't believe he would tarnish me by saying that and then he goes on to say I'm unstable and have mental health issues, I had post natal depression after my 1st DC. I'm so upset that he is telling ppl this, even though he had an affair on me when I was only 6 months pregnant with our 1st child, I didn't go bad mouthing him to his family or friends, even my family don't know the extent, so his character is still intact but he's destroyed me. Why on earth would he tell ppl I stopped visitation because he refused sex and that I had mental health problems. I am so hurt. He has 4 other children and he isn't even fussed with sorting visitation out with them, he sees them when he does. But he wants nightly FaceTime and morning FaceTime and my children every weekend. It's getting to be so unbearable. This is him but I feel he is destroying my character to please the OW. And now if I start contacting ppl and telling them about the affair, it'll seem like lies, or that I'm bitter. So upset he's destroyed my character when he was the one that did all the nasty things and no doubt Sunday she'll be in church, acting like a saint. I just can't, this has broken me, I don't even want to leave my house.

fastdaytears Thu 06-Oct-16 12:02:58

It's not tarnishing your reputation to say that you have had MH problems. No one will judge you for that.

The sex thing makes no sense. His new partner wouldn't be all that happy if she heard that particular rumour so he's causing himself more problems than you.

Blocking him when he's due to have contact (even if he's not been organised) was always going to cause drama. I wouldn't do that again.

But otherwise, you have nothing to worry about. Tell your mum not to speak to him again.

Fishface77 Thu 06-Oct-16 12:03:29

I would start telling people what he's really like. I would also get visitation sorted as soon as possible and I WOULD NOT engage with ow.
I would request your family and friends to block him.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Oct-16 12:12:34

This is why I always say 'Do not keep their dirty little secret. Tell people and tell everyone and tell them everything'
You don't protect cheaters. You tell everyone about them.
As early as possible.
You know you can tell people now though.
Who cares if it's tit for tat.
Let everyone know the truth.

PeppasNanna Thu 06-Oct-16 12:16:51

Think long term, the dc need to be your priority.

Your ex cheated whilst you were pregnant so I dont really know why you would expect him to have any regard for you now.

Stop dealing with the OW.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 06-Oct-16 12:33:10

This is avoidable drama. You don't need to have any words with her at all. Blocking him was going to cause a problem.
Get legal advice and try to avoid all this drama by not engaging with it - it's becoming tit for tat with both of you (all 3 of you) becoming as bad as each other.

You don't need to contact other people. He clearly has many other children related problems if he has 4 other kids he doesn't see and I expect people who mean something to you will not take sides with him. Keep your dignity here.

You need to facilitate reasonable contact with him but this is about the children now and what is best for them. Make arrangements that suit all of you and especially them

MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 13:31:58

Thanks for all your replies. This is such a mess! I love my kids so very much, but I hate their dad. I haven't the energy to tarnish his reputation, but if ppl start glorifying his name I'll tell them exactly what he is. I'm never speaking to him again. After that lie, he's dead to me. He's only hurt himself. I will go to mediation and sort visitation out. He'll pick up and drop off and I won't say a word to him. He loves to be loved, so this will kill him. He won't hear any more funny stories, he won't be invited to nursery events, school events, if he wants to be in the loop, he'll have to call up himself and ask. I was such a muppet before, even after this OW I still did family things with him because he said we needed to put the kids first. Nah it was just for him to look like a good doting dad. No more family trips, no more anything. This lie I cannot get over when I did nothing to tarnish his name. And he blocks me as he sees fit, so he will remain blocked. This might sound childish but this has been going on for years now, I'm tired and mentally if I don't cut him off fully I might have a break down. He just runs me into the ground. He might have his happily ever after with the OW he might not, I don't care anymore. But it'll be a f'ing cold day in hell before I utter one word to him ever again.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 06-Oct-16 13:36:39

I understand you are angry but it sounds like neither of you are putting your kids first just your own feelings.

That will have a terrible impact on your kids. Maybe you need to speak with someone to work through your anger towards him because it's big just childish, it's a waste of your life and energy to stay angry forever and also you 2 will spend all your kids childhoods in a never ending war

MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 13:55:09

I understand what your saying my username but I keep giving so much all in the name of putting the kids first that it's damaging me. Damaging me so very much. He gets his happy life, he doesn't really get to feel how it feels to be a single parent, he keeps his reputation while damaging mine. The thing with my ex if you give him a way in he' ll abuse it, so I'd rather go to the extreme of no communication. They keep on and on at me. I have no more strength.

milkyface Thu 06-Oct-16 13:55:25

This is ridiculous.

Why are you involving the other woman and why does he need to speak to your mother?

Frankly I don't think either if you are putting the children first. You both seem more bothered about starting arguments with each other and protecting your 'reputation'

Obviously go to mediation and sort out a proper schedule. Then stop contacting his oh and only contact him about the children. Tell your mother to ignore his calls.

To be honest, I don't think he's destroyed your character I think you've done that youse if by lying and mouthing off. He's the one who cheated, you had the moral high ground but you gave that up when you started having a go.

Also, if he stays with ow long term, she probably will have a lot to do with your kids, and there's very little you can do to change it, so you're better off trying to come to terms with that sooner rather than later. Also what's so wrong with FaceTime? I think it's a good idea. Do you not want your children to have a relationship with their dad?

Focus on your kids not your ex and his mrs. Ex needs to do the same.

fastdaytears Thu 06-Oct-16 13:57:42

It's not realistic to say that you're not going to speak to him again.

If you block him, does he have another way to contact you in an emergency? You want to look reasonable at mediation so make sure he does have a way of getting hold of you/his children.

I wouldn't be covering for him. If anyone asks how/why your relationship broke down then tell them.

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 14:07:48

Just tell your Mum he is simply being spiteful and lying to her, ask her not to converse with him again.

How dare his gf insert herself in arrangements for contact of DC's. Do not engage with her again, it does you no good.

Do you have records of you attempting to finalise the weekend arrangement?

Make yourself a list for mediation, how you expect clear arrangements made for visitation in advance and how you expect him not to contact your relatives and for his current gf to not make any contact with you.

How long ago did you separate?

Don't worry about the other woman - all she has is your cheating cast off. Would you want him? I doubt it. Leave them to it, what goes around comes around - trust me on that one.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 06-Oct-16 14:08:07

I haven't heard you say one single thing about what your kids want or how this might affect them only about you you you.

You can't seem to understand you are making this worse for yourself

SandyY2K Thu 06-Oct-16 14:08:16

Do not engage with the OW concerning your children. You should have simply blocked her too or tell her to mind her own business and then block her.

With the level of anger, I think you should even do drop off and pick ups through a third party or on neutral ground.

Regards to the face time. If your children are old enough to facetime by themselves then fine. If not, then just don't do it. It seems to be stressing you out and you don't need that.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 06-Oct-16 14:13:05

Keep details of slander and conversations he has with the kids that show you in a bad light. Judges don't take too kindly to parents slagging each other off to the kids. If things are bad them no you don't need to chat to him. I have been divorced 9 years and don't speak to my ex at all.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 06-Oct-16 14:18:21

People encouraging the drama aren't really going to help this situation. It's not slander it's his opinion to your mother he hasn't called up your GP or put it on Facebook. You are being a nightmare and so is he.

Do what people have advised and get legal advice and neutral 3rd party drop off and please, for your kids sake get help to grow up into a mature adult woman who doesn't fight and threaten and full of all this anger because I promise you it is doing your kids harm. Both of you. A judge would bang your heads together right now

MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 15:52:05

Wow! I feel like just ripping out my hair with how unfair everything is. I don't see why all the bending has to be done on my side. But my love for my kids needs to be more than my hatred towards him. I'll unblock him but I won't contact him and I'll allow him access to our iPhone shared album so he can see what the kids have been getting up to. But I'm going to wait for the mediator, I don't think I can give more than this at present. I'm not perfect but I have put up with a lot of crap in the past so he could see the kids.

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:10:24

It is unfair.

You can unblock him but I don't see why he needs to see your album, you don't need to see his.

Hope mediation resolves all this for you.

MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:20:05

Iamdobby it's an album all about the kids that I created that he added photos to but because he wasn't the creator I could unlink him from the album. So I'll link him back up, so he can save the photos or videos he wants and then I'll unlink him so he can create his own album if he wants one.

I feel he doesn't get punished in anyway, he cheats, tarnished my reputation etc but gets his happy ever after. I'm so sad but I guess this is life.

Thank you all for your comments.

milkyface Thu 06-Oct-16 16:32:09

Sorry why the fuck is your reputation so important to you?

Is anyone who is of any value to you going to believe a word he says ? If they do they're not worth your time.

You are so dead set on punishing him for cheating on you, that you have forgotten that your children are in the middle of this mess.

If you stared focusing on them, rather than what other people think of you, you wouldn't even be in this position.

How about instead of letting your ex see pictures of your children, you actually stop being selfish and petty and let him see his actual children.

You haven't mentioned what your kids want. Do they want to FaceTime, or visit or stay over?

milkyface Thu 06-Oct-16 16:33:02

And maybe you would get your happily every after, if you stop focusing on your ex husband and his new partner, and stopped causing trouble and got on with your own life!

You could meet someone and be happy you know?

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 17:08:33

I looked at your other thread, this is all still very raw for you.

It only appears right now that they will live happily ever after, I doubt they will.

Please just concentrate on you and your future with the DC's. Best form of revenge is to not to care any more.

And don't worry about other people, they are not stupid.

I feel your pain, anger and frustration - been there and done that - but trust me in the long run you are the winner. You won't need to do anything.

MissPathetic30 Thu 06-Oct-16 18:32:02

You don't mince your words do you milkyface. I was going to allow photos only at the moment becoz I think it's wise to wait for mediation, because we'll just start arguing again and he'll mess me about for visitation times. I get that he's their dad and I don't intend to keep them from him I just wanted to not communicate with him. I am trying my best but it's a whole lot to accept. Yes I do care about my reputation and I don't think I'm shallow for saying that. I do care becoz I didn't ruin his, he can still face most of my friends (except my bestie I told her everything) and all my family, so to be going to my mum, other family members, my friends, his friends, it hurts. It hurts very much. He's so fine and yes I hate that he looks so happy and she's so smug, they don't have to deal with illnesses or anything, but I think I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself, yes not dwell on it, yes not punish him but feel sorry because it's still very raw, I need to sort myself out but that's going to take time. So if I don't talk to him for a few months or a couple years, tough, but I'm not going to damage myself to keep the peace. All he had to do was agree on a pickup time. That's all, he would have had them. I'm not being messed around.

Thank you Iamdobby! I think some people come across a bit self righteous and forget that each of us hurts in our own way. I will never stop the children seeing their dad but I don't have to play happy families. If speaking to him hurts me I just won't do it.

They don't mind the FaceTime but i have to help the conversation along, as they're young and they'll say half sentences and he won't have a clue what their on about but I'll know because I spent the day with them. So that is hard. They get bored of it after 3 or so minutes but he keeps going for like 10-15 minutes. And when he has them he gets them to call me in the morning and at night too. It's just too much. But I suppose I'll get a bashing for saying that too.

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 19:01:14

These people must have a clue if they know he is seeing the woman who lived in your home/annexe.

Do think you should tell your Mum and those closest to you everything that went on. It's important you have support and they can't do that unless they have a better understanding of the hurt.

milkyface Thu 06-Oct-16 20:47:05

Well no I don't, you're putting your own needs in front of that of your children.

I will never stop the children seeing their dad

But you have Haven't you?

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