Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Think I'm well and truly damaged(17 Posts)
I don't really know where to start here but anyway. I've been with my partner for over a year now and he just recently proposed.
I have 2 children to my previous partner as does he. My ex I was with for 7 years. During this time he cheated, lied, cheated, lied etc. Everything he would do he would lie about but the truth always came out. He would play mind games with me to make it look like I was the one going mad. It was emotional abuse. I wanted to leave throughout the years but my son has special needs and I thought there was no way I could cope on my own. Just before I had my daughter, (on Christmas Day of all days) we found out my dad had been having an affair too. I never ever thought my dad would do anything like that, he doted on my mum so it was a massive shock. I had my daughter but sunk into deep depression, my partner kept messaging girls and getting up to all sorts but I didn't care anymore at that point. My focus was on my son and getting him the help he needed whilst being there for my mum too.
Anyway we eventually split up and I felt brilliant. I stared seeing someone after a few months and fell for them big time, he was everything my ex wasn't. We were together 7 months then one day got a message to say from another woman to say he was also being unfaithful. I ended it but was absolutely devastated.
Fast forward another 18 months and I met my current partner. One thing that struck me with him was how honest he was from that start. Straight away he told me he had been in trouble in the past, was a bit of a bad boy and also had a problem with gambling but he had controlled it and that was years ago. I appreciated him telling me and we went from there. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength and I love him very much. His children are amazing and get on with my children very well. It's all good.
But I am absolutely petrified of getting hurt again, it's ruining my life. I don't think I could take it if he cheated on me. I've never found anything to say he's going too, he's constantly telling me how much he loves me, how he's never felt like this before. The mother of his children was desperate for them to get married but he didn't ever propose as he said it wasn't right as he didn't feel that strongly about her yet we've only been together a year and he's asked me.
I know his ex does still have feelings for him, I can tell by the way she speaks to him and the way she is with him. It does my head in to he honest but I know she will always be in our lives and I just have to hope one day she will move on. She will ring him during the day at work as she knows I'm not around then. I know he doesn't feel anything towards her though.
I just feel like a well and truly damaged person due to what's happened in the past, I want to be happy so much but I'm so used to people hurting me that I'm just expecting it to happen again and constantly looking for clues - just to prepare myself for the worst I suppose.
Like this morning when he left for work, he was texting someone and I was thinking who could that be? How daft do I sound? Every time his phone goes I panic. He's self employed so his phone is always ringing and getting messages and it's nearly always work related but I still cannot help but think it's someone else.
My partner does know what I'm like, he constantly reassures me. He knows my past and does understand. I know people might think I am going to push him away but i hardly ever mention how bad I can feel.
I don't have much confidence in myself either, I'm much better thank used to be though. I always make an effort to look nice and he tells me I'm beautiful everyday but I just feel like crap inside. I'm so tired.
I hate my ex and what he did to me, I have never ever cheated in my life and never would. I just need to learn how to trust.
Has anyone ever gone through anything like this? Soz to be such a drainer
I have been in your shoes, yes.
My first husband cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. I often had a gut feel that something was off, but he was a convincing liar, and I had no proof, so was really stuck to take any action, based on just suspicions. One day a mutual friend told me the truth. The whole truth came to light and I learned of 10 women, over the years! He even tried to get it on with my family members and all of my friends. Finally, when I had told him I was leaving (but I hadn't left yet), his parting "gift" was to seduce my very best friend. So, I lost her as well (can't and won't forgive).
The next relationship lasted 10 months. He knew I'd been cheated on, and promised he'd never do that. I think you can guess where this is going! 10 months in, as I was losing our baby and he was 300 miles away, I got a text from him, that was meant for the OW ("I'm ready for you to pick me up babes")
Sigh. It does damage you. But...there was NO WAY that I was going to give up on love, just because of two giant dickheads.
Anyway, I've been with DH for 8 years now, and he's never ever let me down. For the first few years I used to check his phone and lap top. I was so fecking paranoid.
But I had to stop. It wasn't good for me. He is so good looking and tall, I'm sure he gets plenty of attention, but he just wouldn't cheat, it's not who he is.
It will take time for you to trust again. But you will.
Reading MN, which full of cheating threads, probably doesn't help you, tbh.
He's proposed to you. Enjoy it! This is your happy ever after! It's what you deserve. Don't let your previous giant dickheads, affect this lovely relationship, or they still have a hold over you.
And listen to this song, it's about you
Thank you so much for your reply, that has made me feel a lot better. I think part of it is that everyone seems to be at it these days, it's so easy to cheat. I just feel like all this worry has been taking over my life. My partner doesn't realise any of this though. He knows I'm insecure but not to the extent I am. He keeps talking about planning the wedding but at the moment I feel like I can't, not because I don't love him but because I'm just so scared of it going wrong.
I know I just need to let it all go and go with it. I really am going to try. I'm so glad you have found your happily ever after x
What's the hurry to get married after only a year? Especially with you both having children.
A year isn't enough time to feel completely comfortable with someone. Give it time. You need time to pass to feel properly secure that he is good. I'd be nervous as fuck if I were you too. Slow it down. Get the foundations solid before you start building extras on top.
I think you need more time.A year is not long enough, ime you need at least 2 years and then build from there.
Don't rush and if your partner really 'gets' you he won't want you to feel rushed.Fear or instinct is something you should listen to.Your past relationships has taught you to be cautious and that's not a bad thing when there are children involved.
Why rush, this should be the lovely romantic stage with zero pressures.Leave the wedding plans for a while.
You could be forgiven after reading the relationships board on MN that every male in he county is "at it" but I think you'll find that it's is very much a case of "bad news makes the news" there are plenty of good men and women out there.
I don't think for a moment your damaged just "once bitten twice shy" as my gran used to say. Take it easier and a but slower, "for long love doth so" said friar tuck in Romeo and Juliet;-)
Perhaps your insecurities are a reason your dp chose to propose? Not saying that's the only reason, I'm sure he loves you and wants to get married for himself too. But maybe he's thought about it and decided maybe this is a way of showing you he means it when he says he wants to be with only you. Maybe getting engaged would make you feel more secure, and also send a message to his ex that she needs to move on. There's no need to get married straight away though, you could be engaged for as long as it takes to feel more relaxed about everything.
Thanks for everyone's replies. Should of probs worded the wedding part better really, I don't mean plan the wedding like setting a date etc. He just keeps mentioning what kind of wedding he would like, and what my thoughts were. I should really be happy he's got ideas about it for when the time does come to plan I suppose.
It's not the getting married part I'm worried about, im not daft enough to get married straight away. My post wasn't about getting married, It's my insecurities I need to be sorted. It's how to learn to trust again, I'm not sure I'll ever be able too
flower1121 Have you spoken to anyone on a professional basis doctor or counsellor at all.
Might be of some use perhaps?.
Yeah I think I need too, I'll book an appointment with my gp. I just feel abit daft as I know people go through much worse than me. I just know it's going to ruin me, I've just literally had a cry now over a conversation he's just told me he's had with his ex. And it's not even anything bad. I just know I need to clear my mind of all these negative thoughts. Thank you so much for everyone's advice x
LFlower your not daft, far from it but you do have a problem that needs help its affecting you so therefore needs assistance
And what's best of all is that you realise it's there
Thank you, I just feel like an absolute wreck most of the time. I will get this sorted x
flower1121 No you do just that do you hear;)
Seems such a shame, a nice lady who drew the wrong straw too many times!.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.