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DM and DSis not talking but putting me and my Dad in the middle

(17 Posts)
cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 11:41:02

A couple of months ago my mum and sister had an argument, they are both at fault tbh. My mum has since tried to apologise but my sister has refused to acknowledge this. She has deleted my mum from fb, ignored my mum's birthday and even ignored her on the street. They live two streets away from each other so this is incredibly awkward for all.
Me and my dad have tried to keep out of it, refusing to engage with it all etc. My mum is distraught, she suffers from depression and me and my dad are both worried how this is all affecting her. She hasn't seen her grandkids in weeks.
My sister has always been very self centered but she has got worse recently. She blames everyone for everything but this time she seems to be enjoying the fact that my mum is upset. For example laughing that my mum will not have anyone over at Xmas (Xmas is a big deal for my mum). Shes telling people lies about my mum.
Honestly I'm just sick of it all. We are trying to leave it for them to sort out but my sis is making it very hard. She's constantly ringing my dad asking him to take her places and asking him for money, which is obviously putting him in a difficult position because she is his step daughter. She has even invited everyone but my mum to my dnephews football game.
I just don't know how to handle it all.

fairydustandpixies Thu 06-Oct-16 11:45:10

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you OP, but I just wanted to say that I'm in exactly the same situation with my DM and DSis. It's been going on for four years now and it's just awful. I hope things work themselves out for you all flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 12:07:58

Sadly, I have lots of experience with this shit.

My advice is:

1. Do not get involved in the big picture argument or reconciliation. "We can't force them to play nicely. They have to decide that for themselves. Us brooding doesn't help. Let's talk about something else."

2. Call out specific instances of bad behaviour that happen in your presence by any of the people, whether good guy or bad guy. Immediately. "DSis, that's a really mean thing to say about Xmas, don't do that." Walk out if you have to. If you are a people pleaser, maybe try imagining that your conversation is being video recorded and will be shown in public later.

3. Don't react to instances of bad behaviour that do not directly affect you, like the football game, or the loan requests. Do what you would do if there was no argument and DM just needed to be somewhere else (go to the game most likely and make no serious comment about DM's absence).

4. No special arrangements made to accommodate their row. Step dad might have DM in the car when giving DSis a lift. DM might come to the match anyway, because she wants to watch her nephew play, and it would be bonkers to think she is barred if she wasn't explicitly told that.

5. Don't react to instances of behaviour that you did not witness directly. Like lies told. If someone repeats the lie to you, set them straight (rule 2), otherwise ignore.

As for your step dad, I don't think he is in that difficult a position. He could apply these rules too.

For requests, if he suspects they are actually a Fuck You to his DW, he could follow rule 3/4 then rule 2. So, a simple line of "Best ask your mother about the money, she's home right now, if you want to call." "DM and I would love to come to the match." "Sorry, spending that morning with DM, can't make the match." "Yes, DM and I can give you a lift. She'll enjoy the drive / we'll call in at the garden centre on the way home." "Well, that's very rude, your DM will be in the car, if you want to make other arrangements that's up to you."

HuskyLover1 Thu 06-Oct-16 12:15:12

She sounds like a right bitch. Why on earth aren't you and your Dad calling her out, on this awful behaviour? Sh's be getting both barrels from me. You need to stick up for your Mum. Staying out of it, is the wimps option, I'm afraid. And surely you won't let your Mum be alone at Christmas? She still has you.

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 12:19:39

Well I also have a family so I can't be with her at Xmas. We are away which has been arranged for months so nothing I can do about that.
I do call her out when she says things but she can be very nasty so it's a very fine line to tread. My dd and dnephew get on very well so I don't want to ruin anything for them.
My dad is a people pleaser but he has spoken to her numerous times.
I will try to make sure not to accommodate her to much in the future.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 14:12:46

fine line to tread Nice euphemism for "I walk on eggshells and pander to her because she attacks me and will hurt my DD to get at me."

You are teaching your DD damaging lessons about how to deal with nasty bullies.

I think it is important to model to DC that we do not pander to bullies no matter what. Sometimes they destroy things of value to us when they don't get their own way but we just have to live with that.

dottypotter Thu 06-Oct-16 14:59:39

ask her how she would feel if suddenly your mum wasn't here anymore.

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 15:30:50

If I asked that she would tell me she wouldn't care. Although I know this isn't true. When she decides someone has done something wrong she can treat them horribly. My dad is currently trying to get her to let him take her kids round to see my mum but she is ignoring his calls.
I know I need to stop letting her manipulate everything around to her way but it's very difficult. She has always had a problem with me 'because I had a dad and she didn't'. But my dad treats her no differently. She once told me that she wished I hadn't been born. She is 11 years older than me but sometimes it feels the opposite.
My mum and dad let her move in with them last year when she got thrown out of her house and paid her rent for 3 months after she moved out.
My mum can be difficult, due to her depression she obviously has highs and lows but she has been a lot better recently. I'm just hoping it doesn't send her backwards.
Sometimes I wonder how we are all related haha

diddl Thu 06-Oct-16 15:37:51

She doesn't sound very nice from what you have written.

Equally, she doesn't have to accept & apology & go back to how things were if she doesn't want to.

Is your sister actually involving you in this or your mum & dad?

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 15:58:32

My sister is. I speak to her about other things but if I even mention anything about my mum and dad she starts on at how horrible my mum was. To the point that if I pop in to see them and my dad mentions grandma she starts going on about how horrible grandma is. Obviously at this stage I say something and leave but she just can't stand the fact that I don't agree with her or want to get in the middle. She even tries it with my other sister but she lives abroad. But when my other sister told her to grow up about it all she didn't speak to her for 3 weeks.
I don't really talk about it with my mum very much we mainly talk about my life tbh. My dad mentions it but mainly in a 'I don't know what to do way'
I don't think she has to accept the apology but I also don't think she has to be nasty at the same time.
And you are probably right about her not been very nice. We never got on when I was younger but since having my dd we had got closer but I'm struggling with her tbh.

diddl Thu 06-Oct-16 16:23:17

Perhaps it's somehow related to her losing her father & then maybe feeling an outsider in a new family?

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 16:29:02

Sorry I should have explained her father is alive. He left my mum when my sisters were toddlers. He has since been in and out of prison. She made the choice at 13 to have no contact with him. But since then has brought it up many times like it was my mum's fault. She is messed up but I don't know why. She has always has a massive chip on her shoulder. She has very low self esteem, she tends to give everything to any man who looks at her. Which is why I don't want to make things any worse because all of this stems from my mum's distrust of her new fella.

diddl Thu 06-Oct-16 17:00:51

That sheds a different light!

Plus her having siblings other than you.

I was thinking perhaps her & your mum having been just the two of them for sometime so that her father & then you felt like quite an intrusion iyswim.

Mum not liking her new boyfriend was almost bound to end with her taking his side, wasn't it?

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 17:15:12

Yeah it was. I don't like him either but wasn't going to say anything to her cause I knew she would take his side. But my mum is the type of person who tends to tell you I'd she thinks you are making a mistake. From what I can gather she told my sister she thought she was introducing him to her kids too soon. I don't think anything majorly horrible was said but my sister flew off the handle and stormed out and hasn't spoken to my mum since.
It all seems a massive overreaction to me but obviously I wasn't there. My sister is 40 though so you would think she could act more mature than this.

diddl Thu 06-Oct-16 17:26:16

It's horrible being criticised though whatever age you are.

I guess the implication that she is a bad parent would have stung.

cricketqueen Thu 06-Oct-16 17:34:11

I know and I'm not in anyway saying my mum was right but I do think that the bitchy comments, the refusing to engage with my mum and the constant bringing it up to the rest of us is taking it too far. Like I said previously she seems to be enjoying it.
I'm just sick of her bringing it up, and I can see my mum sliding back into depression and it worries me.
I just wanthought to work out how I can keep myself out of it without ruining any relationships or pissing people off.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 19:39:10

Accept that your relationship with your sister might be ruined and you might piss her off and then everything gets a lot simpler.

DSis is joyfully and maliciously pushing your DM into depression, triggered by your DM making a perfectly valid, if irritating, point to her. How can you stand to be in the same room as her?

I'd be putting as much distance as humanly possible between me, my DC, and a person who is capable of such vile behaviour.

This is not hypothetical. I have done exactly that with a close family member. Life got a hell of a lot better afterwards. Others followed my example, toxic bully was sidelined, drama reduced to near zero, everyone much happier.

Bully just as miserable as ever but that was never going to change anyway.

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