I had a life-threatening illness last week, which I was admitted to hospital for. Now out of hospital and on treatment. I'm very emotional at the moment.
I felt that DH was emotionally absent during my illness. He mostly seemed to switch off that it was happening. When I was in hospital he took care of our very young DC, so couldn't visit me. When I got out, he didn't really help me in any way. I kept having to remind him and when I did he would act like I was being a massive pain. Sighing, etc. I've tried to talk to him about how it made me feel and he's listened to me to some extent, but switched off after a while and said we have bigger priorities - i.e. kids, making money, keeping things running, and I need to not make such an emotional big deal out of things.
He went to work tonight and I had texted him (he is allowed to text at work) before I took some medication saying I was anxious because the last time I had taken it I'd vomited blood. He ignored that text and asked me when we were all going to go on a family day out. I got annoyed and said that's not what i had been talking about. Three hours later after he knew I had probably taken the meds, he hadn't texted me to ask if everything was ok.
So I sent him a long text saying I felt like he didn't care. He replied saying "sorry for not having the level of empathy you need" and "sorry you feel that way" and all that bullshit. He concluded that he'd felt my dissatisfaction with his level of empathy for sometime and maybe we had to conclude we were an emotional mismatch for each other.
I said it's quite simple, we just need to be attuned to each other and support each other. He said he has given me so much support but all I do is play the victim and emotionally drain him (I don't know if I do this.) That I was ill, that this happens, that we have to move forward, forward, forward.
I gave him examples of how I have felt that he's like a visitor in the house rather than someone who is involved or impacted emotionally by stuff that happens in our lives and the DC's lives.
He took huge offence at the word visitor and basically started to outline what I can only describe as a separation plan over text. "You've made it clear you are unhappy with my level of empathy and I honest to God, can't give you any more than I have already given you. If that's really how you feel then you can take this asset and give me X access to the DC."
I am completely taken aback and in shock. We have never even discussed anything like this before, it is absolutely no-go territory and the fact he has gone there so easily over text is shocking.
I texted back we need to talk, he said no I'm at work and my battery's dying. I said you can't talk about leaving me and then disappear, and he said, "no it's you leaving me." I said how? He said because you feel like I am a visitor in the house.
Now his battery has died and I can't get hold of him.
We've been married five years with 2DC. I am flabbergasted at his coldness.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
please help me work this out
sliceofpie · 06/10/2016 01:52
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