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NC father turned up again today

(19 Posts)
Fakebaker Wed 05-Oct-16 20:18:21

My heads spinning with thoughts.

My father turned up at my house today. He lives a few hours away. He did the sane earlier in the year, that ended badly.

Brief background, grew up in toxic environment, wasn't sure if dm loved me, violence, lack of attention etc. Went nc 9(?) years ago.

I feel torn. I do love my dad abd felt sorry for him. He said he rang the police recently as my mother attacked him and threatened him with a knife. I wasn't shocked. They have always had a violent relationship. But my dads not innocent either.

Apparently hes left her. Hes offered her 50/50 on the house, no mortgage. Shes refused and wants it all. Hes going to a solicitor. Shes accusing him of having an affair. He says hes not.

He has been staying at a hotel. I asked him what hes going to do when money runs out? He was a bit vague. Im worried hes going to top himself. He said hes been on the verge of it but has been speaking to samaritians.sad wtf can I do?

He said my mother keeps threating to kill herself too. They are so toxic together.

I don't know why I'm posting just ahhhhhhh. sad

georgethecat Wed 05-Oct-16 21:42:55

Give clear practical advice but don't get emotionally involved.

She stabbed me - call the police.
I feel suicidal - go visit your GP
We are getting divorced - get a solicitor

Etc etc

Keep the boundaries firm

bluebellsparklypants Wed 05-Oct-16 21:55:22

it's good to let off steam writings good it can unload the burden in a way.
feel for you, emotionally it's very hard as we all look for stability from our parents, it was unfair of him to 'drop in' and drop the suicial part on you though. But you sound like you've made the break 9ish years ago you can't get dragged back into any tooing & frowing.
Good advice from *georgethecat to just give practical advice and if you see improvements with them over time then you can review your relationship with them

Fakebaker Wed 05-Oct-16 22:29:42

Its hard. Must remember why Nc. I feel like he was coming to say goodbye, he has cancer and a heart condidtion too.sad

bluebellsparklypants Wed 05-Oct-16 23:40:12

you have to do what you feel is best along side safe guarding your emotions.
If it was a form of 'goodbye' then it's done, you have nothing to approach yourself over.
If you feel you want more contact in any way then give it some condicerstion. Don't have regretts..either way 🌷

Fakebaker Thu 06-Oct-16 09:55:06

bluebells I sent a text last night asking if he got back ok. Also made some practical suggestions.

One suggestion was looking for a flat until sorts finances. His response was its all up in the air, ie hes going back to my mother or something more sinister. sad

He also sad he is glad my mother hadnt turned me against him. Is that genuine, am I porn in their game, its usual for me to get the blame.

Dhs wants me to stay nc. I just think if it was anyone else with cancer/heart problems, I'd try and help. My family are so fucked up.sad

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Oct-16 15:55:06

Another practical thing:-
Hes offered her 50/50 on the house, no mortgage. Shes refused and wants it all
It just doesn't work like that!
We'd all just love to have it all but that's not the law and that's not fair.
Even if he's having an affair she can't have it all.

I'm sorry he's so ill.
I think I'd go minimal contact in these circumstances.
Your DH is just looking out for you and your mental health here.
So I understand his point as well.

You can't help them though. You know that.
Just give him practical advice as and when you can and keep it all very minimal.

Boneyjoany Thu 06-Oct-16 16:31:08

He's using you as an emotional dumping ground.

What happened last year?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 16:57:17

He is a grown up. He does not need you to tell him he could get a flat.

He is a grown up. He can go to a solicitor and get a divorce sorted. He should not involve his children in details of the negotiations.

He is a grown up. If he is feeling terrible he can get help from many many places. Including Samaritans, like he is. Via his medical team too. He should not offload about his mutually abusive marriage to his children.

He is trying to use you to feed the emotional drama.

The best help you can give is no help. He is best off with external services not enmeshed in the toxic family dynamic, of which you are a part.

It is possible to extricate oneself from toxic families. You are doing that. You are a good example. Keep up the example. Don't feed his co-dependent dramas.

He's not asking for help with cancer and heart problems anyway is he? He just wants to dump his misery on you and demonise your DM. Who does that to their children?

Kr1stina Thu 06-Oct-16 17:10:38

What rabbit said . Every single word.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 06-Oct-16 17:19:51

Did you go NC because he was violent or abusive to you or simply because your parents together (or separately) were more than you could emotionally handle?

If the former, I probably would simply back away and resume NC. If the former and you feel your father, once away from your mother, would be OK then I'd try to help him as long as I wasn't negatively affected.

Fakebaker Thu 06-Oct-16 17:27:36

rabbit that is all true. sad Hard to hear but true.

Fakebaker Thu 06-Oct-16 17:30:31

Did you go NC because he was violent or abusive to you or simply because your parents together (or separately) were more than you could emotionally handle?

Both. I must admit I have been having niggling negative thoughts about myself since he came. He as always said some negative things about me. It gets under my skin.

I can imagine him going back and winding my mother up about seeing me, my dcs and things I said.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 06-Oct-16 17:59:03

Both. I must admit I have been having niggling negative thoughts about myself since he came. He as always said some negative things about me. It gets under my skin. I can imagine him going back and winding my mother up about seeing me, my dcs and things I said.

Then you do what is best for YOU (and your own family). If he has said one single negative thing about you when he's asking you for help or is using you as a sounding board, then he has crossed the line as far as I'm concerned.

No one has the right to ask for help from someone they have harmed in the past. He is not your responsibility. He's an adult he can deal with his own fucked up life. Especially if he's seeking you out to use contact with you as ammo in his 'war' with your mother. And triple especially if he's using vague, veiled, or even direct threats of self-harm to manipulate you into helping him, taking his side, or keeping in contact with him against your better judgement. That's about as low as you can get.

Your responsibility is to be the best you that you can be and to be the happiest you that you can be for yourself and your children. Tell your father that you are sorry, but that you cannot help him and that he needs to sort his own future out regardless of what that future entails.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 06-Oct-16 19:03:41

DH is right. Stay NC.

You are slightly wrong about My family are so fucked up Your family of origin is fucked up. You are building new family with DH. Keep the old poison away from the new family, stop the rot, so your children and grandchildren don't end up complaining about their fucked up family too.

bluebellsparklypants Thu 06-Oct-16 20:55:18

Not sure if there's a right or wrong answer, you have to do what you feels best. You'll be naturally wanting to help as your their daughter whether it's a good thing for you to do or not is another question.
If you can help and keep a heart of steal ei; be prepared for the worst/being blamed in some way then do or how would you feel just to limit your contact to just a text every now and then, you can keep your distance but still be there for him.
Unfortunately some people can not be helped and are always emotionally draining, it's not a reflection on you

bluebellsparklypants Thu 06-Oct-16 21:04:53

Oh for some reason OP last message didn't appear until after my last post.
If he said negative things and affected you already then please condicer any contact again carefully. You have your own family to protect and as other PP have said he is a grown up. Take care

Fakebaker Thu 06-Oct-16 21:26:55

Thank you both. I've shown dh who is in full agreement. I've also photographed your advice to read in the future, to stay strong.

The last bit run said about breaking the cycle really hit a nerve. It is so true.

Fakebaker Thu 06-Oct-16 21:34:14

Thanks blueflowers

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