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Engagement went tits up 2-3 years ago and I still think about it every day. Help!

(19 Posts)
ChickenVindaloo Wed 05-Oct-16 19:56:39

Hello,

I posted about this during the time the shit was hitting the fan and was unanimously told to ditch him! If only I'd read MN before I'd have known about narcissists/love-bombing etc but too late for that now. I'll give you the short version.

Jan 2013 Met apparently Mr Wonderful online. Lived 500 miles apart but saw each other every weekend.

June 2013 Got engaged (yes, too soon, I know!) I moved to live with him, got a new job in his area. It immediately transpires that he is in fact an emotionally abusive cunt. I try and make it work blah blah but takes til

May 2014 dump him and move in with a friend, still in his rough area, still doing my new job but that ends a few months later (fixed term contract)

Oct 2014 move home.

When I met him, I felt like I'd won the lottery - he was handsome, clever, funny, financially sound. And I was the chosen one! But it's like it was actually a sick joke. I'm just permanently gutted that I fell for it. I thought I was getting a whole new future and it turned out to be lies.

I now have a decent job back home and a much longed-for cat of my own. I've had a couple of short relationships since. But nothing has come remotely close to the passion and excitement of Mr Cunt.

How can I get over this disappointment?

Thank you. I'm 33 now, btw, no DCs. No plans for them. Undecided about whether I still want marriage/long term relationship.

TheNaze73 Wed 05-Oct-16 20:19:55

People will disappoint you, all your life. Think you need to accept that.

Think you need to build on the lessons you have learned (getting engaged too soon etc) and look forward. You're still young & have the world in front of you. And how much better it is without that tool

whirlygirly Wed 05-Oct-16 20:27:37

Honestly, just count your lucky stars he showed his true colours before you got married or had dcs. You are actually really lucky that you weren't taken in for too long even though I get it doesn't feel that way.

Try and let it go, move on and focus energies into meeting someone who might not initially be Prince Charming, but be a lovely, decent bloke instead.

... And I was the chosen one!

Turn that around - you get to choose, too, ya know. And you did. You voted with your feet! fsmile

You already know that what you're mourning is not him but the fake him that he presented to the world. The fake him that he couldn't have sustained for long. Thank the gods that you spotted it before getting too involved (joint finances, DCn, etc).

You'll be fine, really!

SaggyNaggy Wed 05-Oct-16 20:34:27

heres a radical thought that might be worth a try in your position OP.

When you catch yourself dwelling, thinking about it, feeling down etc etc.
Think to yourself,
"I understand why i'm Thinking / Feeling this way and will allow myself to Think / Feel this way but only for 10 more minutes. Then i'm going to think about ******"

Replace the stars with something you find happy, like your cat.
Then allow your mind and emotions to explore the negative thoughts and feelings etc, but after 10 minutes, that's it. get up, wash your face, shake the thoughts from your hair and move onto playing with your cat.
Allow these thoughts no more often than once a day, if they come back for a second turn just think, and I actually mean to think the words in your mind, even say them:
"I've already used energy thinking about this / feeling like this today, not more now until tomorrow."
Then immediately focus your mind onto something else.

What I find this does is to validate your feelings and thoughts but it doesn't waste any more energy on them than is necessary, eventually you may find they come less and less, even if they don't, just keep handling them the same way.

The trick is not to try to ignore them, but not to obsess either. I hope that makes sense. grin

ChickenVindaloo Wed 05-Oct-16 21:01:11

Aww, thank you mumsnet chums, I knew you would give me some good suggestions

Yes, I know I have a lot to be grateful for really.

I think it's cos i randomly realised (when labelling batch cook meals for the freezer!) that 3 years ago today I was starting my job in his area - I kind of thought everything was still going to be ok at that point.

ChickenVindaloo Wed 05-Oct-16 21:05:39

And it's been 2 years this month since I moved home. Seems like yesterday.

Yes, I really do mourn for the person I thought he was. I'm sad for him because part of him did want to be that great guy. Not my problem though, I tried for long enough, and made plenty of compromises!

Thank goodness I'd had a normal relationship before and I wasn't really young so at least I knew it was HIM not me! My parents are also happily married.

UnGoogleable Wed 05-Oct-16 21:13:36

You're a winner OP, you saw him for what he was and left. That was really brave, and life changing. You had the balls to recognize it for what it was and turn it around.

You should congratulate yourself for saving yourself from disaster.

Hell we all make mistakes. Consider it a huge old life lesson and be grateful that you learnt it early on - some people have to learn it when they're already married and tied down. You got to learn it when you were young and free enough to do something about it without suffering too much upheaval.

And you will never, ever have to make that mistake again. Lesson learned. That's a really positive outcome.

ChickenVindaloo Wed 05-Oct-16 22:25:44

Thank you, UnGoogleable!

I think it was hard because it was the first time I had really faced a major disappointment like that. Sure, I'd been made redundant before and been dumped before but this affected every aspect of my life - where I lived, who with, what job I did. And I don't even like change! I changed everything for him then had to change it all back. My poor parents were beside themselves! And to him, it was no biggie really. He just shook it off and carried on.

I'm sad for what might have been. Hell, may still be with someone worthy of my love!

UnGoogleable Wed 05-Oct-16 23:24:23

There's plenty of time left for you to find someone worthy OP. I met my wonderful DH when I was 33.

And when I met him, we had both been through tough times, and it is what made us right for each other. We had learnt from our experiences to become better people. DH says now he's glad his relationship with his ex ended like it did, because it helped him see the light and then he ended up wtih me.

Likewise, I'm glad I saw what a 'bad' relationship looked like with my ex, so that when I met DH I fully appreciated how wonderful he is. I honestly don't think I would have done if I hadn't been hurt before. DH is what I would once have considered 'too nice'. But having experienced what 'shit and nasty' feels like, 'too nice' is now just wonderful.

Each experience shapes us, good or bad. Yours has shown you what not to go for, so you're even more prepared to recognize a good-un when you find him.

And you will xx

LellyMcKelly Thu 06-Oct-16 01:14:23

Well done on leaving the bastard. I've been through the full on narc thing - handsome, successful, made me laugh like a drain, told me I was fat, told me I was thick, told me I deserved it when I got the silent treatment for weeks on end, cheated on me...etc. etc. The highs were high - the lows were very low. I still miss him sometimes. Your ex was only ever pretending to be the man you wanted him to be. That man doesn't exist, but you are still, in a way, grieving for the man you thought he was and how he made you feel. It's really tough, but you will get through it.

HowToChooseAUserName Thu 06-Oct-16 13:44:21

You aren't alone. Here are some articles that may help:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-over-them-after-a-breakup-when-we-wonder-how-long-it-will-take-to-get-over-them-or-why-were-not-over-them-yet/

afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/narcissistic-abuse-why-does-it-take-so-long-to-heal/

www.firstwivesworld.com/index.php/my-narcissistic-ex-husband/item/8702-why-is-it-taking-me-so-long-to-heal

aLeopardanditsSpots Thu 06-Oct-16 21:29:42

Narcs and other disordered people can take an unusually long time to get over. I'm going through it myself. We were also engaged. Yes I'm grateful I didn't marry him and I'm lucky that he's not near me but on the other hand I feel very unlucky and bitter and pissed off that I ever met him in the first place. Have you thought about councilling?
The linked articles above might help and you know it's not you, I realised that pretty quickly with mine, it's not me, it's definitely him!

ChickenVindaloo Thu 06-Oct-16 21:34:21

Cheers guys. Yes, I'm actually seeing a careers counsellor atm so perhaps I could get her to recommend a counsellor for this.

Sorry to hear it's such a common experience!

springydaffs Thu 06-Oct-16 23:31:41

Melanie Tonia Evans is good on recovering from narcissistic abuse. Have a Google.

And do factor in the trauma. Takes a long time to get over trauma xx

getyourselfchecked Fri 07-Oct-16 00:22:04

I am going through similar, OP. I'm on the Narc-ex recovery road. Some really good advice here. This is just a quick pick-me-up and sounds simplistic but one thing I do when I start to dwell is think of good old Florence and the Machine - 'it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off.' Play the song, loudly. Sing it loudly. Shake the bastard off. And get out there.
I honestly cried with relief when I heard that song. I realised that I was in control and it was my choice to leave behind that fucker and all the damage he caused. I know it's more complicated than that but ultimately we are allowing them and the effect they have on us to hold us back and they hinder our capacity to live happily. And they really, really aren't worth that.
Pep talk over!

ChickenVindaloo Fri 07-Oct-16 10:30:15

Thanks guys! I'm too nice cos I still find it hard to think of him as a bastard really. I thought he just had issues and I could fix him! I highly doubt he would ever give me 1% of the same kindness or thought. In fact I try to think LIKE him and be all cold and "well he's an adult, don't make his problem your problem". Funny how he was so passionate at times and so cold and logical at other times.

springydaffs Fri 07-Oct-16 12:39:20

You could have a look at codependency

Just a thought.

PushingThru Fri 07-Oct-16 19:30:01

Such great advice on this thread! It's helping me with a similar problem too. I know how you feel ChickenVindaloo. Sometimes in life we just get 'stuck' & need to reboot ourselves x

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