Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A couple or just friends who coparent?

(8 Posts)
museumum Wed 05-Oct-16 17:46:24

I keep reading about how the early years with kids can make couples feel like "friends rather than a couple". I'm not sure I totally understand the difference in practical terms (except sex) but I'd like to.

What things in your life express that you are "a couple" and not just cohabiting coward ting friends?

Blueskyrain Wed 05-Oct-16 18:58:17

Eh? If you don't know the difference between being a couple and being friends, it either suggests you are scarily 'close' to your friends, or not actually understanding relationships.

HuskyLover1 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:12:38

cohabiting coward ting friends?

What does this even mean?

Losingtheplod Wed 05-Oct-16 21:19:28

I'm with you OP. Not sure what the snippy replies are all about! DH and I are friends, and lovers. I think friendship is one of the most important elements of being a couple. I think a lot of people have expectations of being a couple that are unrealistic, and involve a romantic ideal that doesn't exist. I think it is normal for the romantic side of a relationship to take a hit when the DC are young, and hopefully recover, later, once things get easier.

LellyMcKelly Thu 06-Oct-16 01:40:31

With my ex I felt like we became friends who were raising children. With my DP we are definitely a couple, and not just because we have sex. We take care of each other (e.g. he plugs in my phone to the charger. I give him a head scratch after a tough day at work. He gives me a back rub when I have PMT. I cuddle him while he watches repeats of Gop Gear in bed). It's about intimacy, not just in a sexy way, but doing things with and for each other, that you wouldn't do with anyone else.

VimFuego101 Thu 06-Oct-16 01:46:42

I think what Lelly says is true - a relationship is about doing things for the other person you wouldn't do for anyone else (not necessarily sex related!) and it's easy to lose sight of those things and get bogged down in day to day struggles when you have a baby.

museumum Thu 06-Oct-16 19:20:46

Sorry for the weird autocorrect. "cohabiting coward ting friends" was supposed to say "cohabiting coparenting friends".

Clearly some of you think I'm crazy. I love my dh. But I have a couple of very old friends I love too. And I love my parents.
Obviously I know inside that those loves are different but what I'm asking is how do I express that? With a small child sitting on me half the day I'm glad of some physical space in the evenings but I want dh to know I still love him.
Maybe I'm just really not great at this stuff? Dh and I have been together 10 years but prior to that I was probably single more years than coupled up.

crazyhead Thu 06-Oct-16 20:04:29

How old are your kids. I have young kids too, and a lot less sex than when I didn't! But I still feel very much a couple. I think it is down to

* non sex affection, cuddling in bed, having baths together, holding hands
* being especially thoughtful to each other and little romantic things, making cups of tea in the morning in bed, flowers, that sort of thing,
* being vulnerable - I'd ask my DH for a level of comfort over sadness and little insecurities I wouldn't with friends, and linked to that, just being really close
* an exclusive I come first feeling compared to other people who aren't our kids - I hope I also make him feel like that,

I like my space too, so I don't think that's a barrier. I do understand where you are coming from. I have had relationships in the past where it felt more like just friends and they were pre kids and I've seen it in friends- I think me and my DH always do treat each other romantically in a low key way. I'm sure it's a thing that can be improved!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now