Drunkenly ranted at DP and now don't know how to fix it

[showsomeclass]

This is about the fourth time I have done this since being with my DP of 2 1/2 years

I bottle things up, then it all comes out in a drunken rant. I can hardly remember what I said but remember enough to know it would have not gone down well and I multiplied the feeling of what I really meant by about a million percent

Basically, we've been together for 2 1/2 years and spend every weekend together. We don't live together because he needs to live near his DD and work, and I have 2 DD's in my town and can't yet move. It's not a huge issue to me at the moment as we enjoy our weekends together and talk and text every day

We went out on Sunday night (I don't normally stay Sundays) and bumped into his Ex girlfriend and her new husband. They still have a close friendship which has always been a bit of an issue to me but after talking at length to them both about it, and the fact she has now married someone else, I felt I needed to accept it. I actually really like her!

But on Sunday, we were all quite drunk and someone said something that just triggered me off on a rant about their friendship. I said quite a lot of stuff that made everyone feel very awkward. When we got home I continued to rant until 2am

Since then, I've hardly heard from him... I left him a note on Monday morning apologising for the drunken rant and I that I was concerned I had damaged our relationship. He texted me later that morning saying I had nothing to apologise for and he loves me millions. But he hasn't called me, hasn't texted me unless I have texted first (which has only been once yesterday and once the day before) so I obviously have created an issue

I feel so down, and stupid... I just want to know how he now feels about us and whether I have royally messed things up. I don't want to push him if he just needs to cool down, but don't want to avoid it completely if there is an issue

What would you do in my position? I'm due to see him again on Friday for the weekend, but feel very awkward and a bit on tender-hooks and uncertain and don't want to go through the whole weekend (and rest of the week) feeling like this. I'd like to be able to make things better, but don't want to grovel either....

[Myusernameismyusername]

I don't know what I would do and actually my heart sank as I read it as really I would end a relationship if someone did this to me on multiple occasions.
He's backed off because he needs space and to evaluate whether this is right for him.
You've told him you are sorry but it doesn't seem to prevent it happening the next time.

I think you might have to stop trying to grovel and work out why the hell you behave this way. It's not ok. Maybe you shouldn't drink so much you can't remember things. And get help for your insecurities. Then maybe he would see something worth holding on to?

[showsomeclass]

You are right. I know I am in the wrong, not necessarily explaining my feelings, but for my method of delivery and the continued verbal diarrhoea

I must not let myself drink so much in future and need to be really really aware of what happens when I do. Not sure what help I can get for my insecurities other than the reassurances and explanations that he and his ex have already given.

So you think not mention it and just hope it blows over, and just make sure I don't do it again?

[Happybunny19]

Stop drinking, you're obviously a really bad, confrontational drunk. Apart from that continue to grovel, he sounds lovely and you're going to drive him away if it continues. Let him know your intentions to stop it ever happening again. If this was about a man we would be seeing a lot of ltb.

[SheldonsSpot]

I think if I were you, the first thing I'd do is start looking for some help with my drink problem.

Then you can start a conversation with him, along the lines of "I know I behave like a twat when I've had a drink, so here's what I'm doing to address that".

[pocketsaviour]

When you drink to excess, do you often do or say things that you later regret after sobering up? Do you often have gaps in your memory?

Or - do the things you say/do when drunk only revolve around issues in your relationship?

In your OP you mentioned bottling things up and I wonder if you have got into the habit of not expressing your needs/feelings in the relationship and then when drunk you lose control and it all comes out.

Does the idea of expressing your needs or feelings while sober fill you with fear?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Would counselling help you understand your insecurities?
Honestly, if I was him, I'd be re-thinking things.

I don't think you should ignore it.
Tackle it head on.
If you need to not drink so much maybe ask him to keep an eye it for you and let you know when you are getting too much?
It should be down to you obviously, but it might help if he knew he could step in if necessary.

Ranting until 2am. If my OH did this to me I'd have walked out and gone and stayed elsewhere!
Not cool!

[garlicandsapphire]

So sorry OP. Its very hard when you wish you could turn back the clock but know you cant unsay what you've said. The self loathing is horrible. The issue really is learning to be able to say what you feel before it builds up into a huge volcano - that requires some confidence, bravery and trust. Often people are brought up not to express difficult issues directly but to bottle them up and this can cause these eruptions particularly when drink is involved.

So maybe the way to address it is to to say to your DP that you are really sorry for your rant and that you'd like to deal with the root cause - building your confidence to communicate things in a safe way before they build up and learning how to let other things go? And tell him you love him and it matters for the health of the relationship that you can both freely express your feelings and address them before become bigger issues. Because you really don't want to repeat this pattern and want him to be able to trust you not to.

Good luck. First forgive yourself then think about how you can say what you feel safely. If your response is to shut up about your feelings because of shame you will just repeat the cycle.

[Happybunny19]

Sorry we crossed messages. Forget about the jealousy, they've introduced you to one another and she's moved on. Appreciate this means he can maintain a healthy relationship with his ex, that's impressive and doesn't mean he wants to rekindle anything with her. He wouldn't let you meet if there were any romantic feelings on either side. I completely understand why you're feeling that way, but if you make him feel guilty for staying friends with her he will resent you.

Oh and I don't think you can simply brush it under the carpet, you need to speak to him and properly apologize and ensure he realises you're aware it's your problem not his behavior at fault. Good luck, hope it works out of for you.

[ImperialBlether]

I can understand him wanting to keep his distance. If a woman came on MN to tell us her partner had behaved like this, we'd all advise her to dump him.

Has drinking always been a problem for you? You say you need to drink less, but I think you should stop altogether. It's not good for you and it's poisoning your relationship.

[Emmageddon]

Is it just the alcohol that triggered your rant? Or would you have got upset if you'd been drinking cups of tea? I agree with the other posters, it's the drinking you should be addressing, have a look at Drinkaware.co.uk and see what support there is in your area.

Ask your partner to help you - he's probably worried about you, too.

Carry on apologising and reassure him it isn't going to happen again.

My ex was an argumentative drinker, it's what ended our relationship. He didn't get violent but the drunken shouting and insults were horrible, and the remorse when he was sober was pitiful.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

By ex-girlfriend, do you mean the mother of DP's child?

Do you think by acting this way in front of her, you may have raised a question for her about your suitability to spend time with her DD?

If you see your DP's ex rarely, and act like this when you do, I'd probably think she wouldn't be keen for you to be in her DD's life in future.

She may have raised these concerns with your DP, who is now - quite rightly - keeping a bit of distance to think things through.

If this ex is the mother of DP's DD, then it says a lot about their maturity that they (and ex's new husband) are all able to be friends. I would expect your DP to give her concerns serious thought.

[showsomeclass]

Thank you everyone

pocketsaviour

I do often say things I regret, but usually only mushy stuff - or I get over confident and feel an idiot the next day. Yes, I do often have memory gaps when I drink in excess.

The only times I have properly ranted in a bad way have been around my relationship and insecurities. I haven't been like this before being with my DP though

I have always bottled things up and totally agree it comes out when I am drunk, but not in a good way. I am scared of feeling vulnerable and that uncomfortable feeling of discussing things that mean a lot to me. Now though, I would much rather experience that than do what I did on Sunday night!

Does the idea of expressing your needs or feelings while sober fill you with fear? Yes!

I would still like to be able to drink but I am totally aware that I cannot always control how much, or indeed my behaviour. Perhaps I should tell all my friends and DP that from now on, I am only drinking shandy and maximum three during any evening. That way, I'm effectively only drinking a pint and a half.

Alcohol also makes me feel depressed and anxious the next day so I know it is not good for me

I feel like such an idiot.. I WISH I could take it back. I feel so ashamed and so worried I have done too much damage now and it's going to take such a long time to put it right - if that's even possible at all... I even feel I don't deserve his forgiveness

[specialsubject]

if this was reversed, the advice from MN would be 'dump the drunk because you can't change them'.

The only person who can deal with your drinking is you. There is help available, but you have to take it. As it sounds like you have done this before, the way to 'make it better' is to take some action by getting help.

otherwise he cannot be blamed for taking his own action. Sorry.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

From your description, you've done this every six months or so over 2.5 years while only seeing him at weekends and not living together.

That's a high hit rate of ranting vs time spent together.

I think you are past the point of making promises. You have to show that you are taking some serious action to manage your problem behaviour.

You hadn't even thought about looking into therapy, which isn't a great sign. Most people would give up drink forever if this was happening every few months and it was affecting relationships, yet, you say I must not let myself drink so much in future You are prioritising continuing to drink over hurting people you love. Not good.

I can't see anything in your writing about how he feels and what would be the best thing for him. There's lots of whining about how terrible you feel. Not a single sentence about "he must feel awful, poor man" "god he must be embarrassed about how I behaved in front of his friends" "Have I affected his self confidence?" "I wonder if he has someone to offer him support" 'Will he be parenting his DDs well and be managing at work, or will he be messing things up because he is distressed about my latest attack on him?" "Would he be better off without me?"

You sound like a selfish problem drinker.

[showsomeclass]

No, the ex isn't not the mother of the DD.. although they do maintain contact too and she would be well within her rights to express concern

He is obviously taking time and distance to think about what has happened. I need to prove that it will not happen again, although I can't change what I said so the fact that even if I don't do a drunken rant again, he is still going to be concerned I have an issue with him being friends with her

I know I need to have a conversation with him about it, grovel, reassure him and continue to not get drunk in the future. Should I leave that until I see him at the weekend? (If he still even wants to, I hope he does) Although it would make ME feel better to have contact with him before then, perhaps I should respect his feelings now and leave him be until then. I just don't want to leave it too long without my desire to change my habits and give him my apologies in case he makes the decision not to be with me - but don't want to make things worse by disrespecting his obvious wish to have some distance either

[QueenLizIII]

There was a girl like this at work. She had a bf whom she kept going out with, getting drunk and screaming at him for looking at other women, cheating on her, when she knew he wasnt.

Friends got sick of them and stopped inviting them places together as they were embarrassed of the scene it created.

he kept breaking up with her and hesitating, she kept apologising and the cycle began again.

I said to her what I'll stay to you: stop drinking.

[QueenLizIII]

I can't see anything in your writing about how he feels and what would be the best thing for him. There's lots of whining about how terrible you feel. Not a single sentence about "he must feel awful, poor man" "god he must be embarrassed about how I behaved in front of his friends"

This too. Old colleague was like this. Her her her. Then when she ranted she wondered about how she would feel if he dumped her. Not a word about him.

[DoinItFine]

It really sounds like you need to stop drinking.

Also get a handle on your insecurities.

I would be reassessing a relationship after an outburst like that.

Maybe if you were to commit to quitting drinking it might show how seriously you are taking what you did?

Other than that I think you need to give him space.

[mydietstartsmonday]

Call him tell him you have been an arse - just that. Apologise for your rant & your insecurities and look to see if you can both move passed it.

[showsomeclass]

RunRabbit

I wanted to be completely honest on here and I do feel terrible - not just terrible for how it has left me feeling... I care about him deeply and just the thought of how I left HIM feeling makes me feel a hundred times worse. I told him he doesn't deserve my shameful behaviour in my note and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn't blame him at all if he didn't want to see me again. I have also apologised profusely to his ex

I know what I have done (repeatedly) is inexcusable in the effect it has on others in my life who I care about and don't deserve it - I am looking for help and support that's all

[QueenLizIII]

I know I need to have a conversation with him about it, grovel, reassure him and continue to not get drunk in the future.

Maybe he doesn't want reassurance and wont believe you. It has been 2.5 years not a one off.

How much are you drinking out of interest? 2-3 glasses of wine wouldnt do that.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think people are being quite brutal with honesty OP but actually you do seem open to taking it on board and I applaud you for that.

Some times it is a really crappy incident that makes us stand up and go right, I need to sort myself out.

I think you should share your feelings with your DP but don't expect him to make them go away. He didn't cause them and he can't 'fix' them. Only you can. It sounds like despite all the reassurance you already had, its not enough. And you aren't confident enough to open up. He can help you through this but the hard work and trust rebuilding is your job.

I really think you should address your self esteem and low confidence because it's manifesting itself in anger when you are drunk. Love in itself doesn't vanish these things away

[showsomeclass]

I will get help stop drinking completely. I want to do the maximum to put things right, demonstrate I am taking it seriously and prove it will not reoccur

I would dump myself too - and I wouldn't feel sorry for the dumped person if it were the other way around

[showsomeclass]

I will get help stop drinking completely. I want to do the maximum to put things right, demonstrate I am taking it seriously and prove it will not reoccur

I would dump myself too - and I wouldn't feel sorry for the dumped person if it were the other way around

[Myusernameismyusername]

OP you are stuck in a classic shame cycle.

Bad behaviour episode
Shame
Promises to change
Then next step is forgiveness and this lulls you into a false sense of change because you forget how you felt before instead of addressing it
It happens again

Repeat