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I'm broken and I have taken the family with me.

(166 Posts)
FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 08:20:12

I don't know what to do

WE had a MMC in February and a MC in April.
DP says we cannot try again for financial reasons
I haven't coped at all and have been in a horrible dark place ever since. Cannot look at pregnant women without my throat swelling up.
I met with a psychiatric nurse yesterday morning and felt almost hopeful that I can be lifted out of this. She said she doesn't think 'm depressed, she thinks I am grieving but wants to continue to meet with me to avoid me getting depression.

We have arranged an evening with DP's parents for Saturday night. They will come and see our new house (which we bought so that our new baby would have had her own bedroom - this is now empty, as well as the DC having a room each). And then we will go out for something to eat. DP extended our invite to other members of his family and his step sister and her husband said they'd love to come.

Step sister told us a couple of weeks ago that they are expecting a baby.

I fell apart when they told us (not infront of them, I haven't seen them for ages) and yesterday I had a massive meltdown on my own. Shaking, sobbing, I felt sick.
DP alwasy tells me to tell him when I have something on my mind so I sent him a message telling him how I felt about them joining us on Saturday.
I said I wasn't sure I could come, perhaps we could say I'm not feeling well or something.
He immediately told his parents and step sister/husband that I wasn't going to come.
They have pulled out saying they dont want to be the ones to drive me away but that I can't avoid them forever and that they want to celebrate their pregnancy and feel like they can't, and that they are treading on eggshells.

DP is furious with me, he came home last night, refused to speak to me, shouted at me saying he can't be the support network anymore.

I offered to send step sister a message explaining and apologising and tell them its my issue that I need to get through step by step, and that it is nothing personal. That I'm trying hard to climb out of this dark hole and trying so hard to fix myself.
The past few days have been good, I have forced a smile and pretended to DP that I am happy and I have 'had a great day', so that he doesn't have me burdening him day in and day out. But now this has happened and he hates me and I'm pretty sure his family do too.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I feel like I've been kicked while I'm down and keep getting beaten and punched in the stomach.
Lately, when I tell DP I'm feeling low he turns things around and makes me feel even worse, which is why I have been pretending.
Sometimes I wish he would just punch me or something, because I'm pretty sure that would hurt less.

I really miss my babies, I really miss the old me, I really miss my happy relationship. And I miss being able to be happy around my DC.

FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 08:25:20

I meant to add, when I offered to send step-sister a message, DP told me not to.

I should also add that he told me yesterday that the husband's father is dying of cancer. I said 'That's awful news, Seems everyone's lives are being torn apart by something'.
He told me that was a very crass thing to say, that I have to relate everything back to our situation and that everything isn't the same.

I thought I was being sympathetic. Why does he see everything I say as an insult? sad

lasttimeround Wed 05-Oct-16 08:59:15

Could you, or possibly both of you, try a bereavement counsellor? You could forward with some help getting back on your feet and maybe your hs reactions are also from place of grief rather than that he's an insensitive arse. People can turn on the source of sad feelings like he is in a way that's unfair and will possibly spell the end of your relationship if if continues. I going you are trying to support each other but spiraling down.

I am do sorry this has happened to you. So sad and unfair and it's understandable that you relate other sad things. Getting some help or even just a professional person to unload some of that to could be good. I know there's also miscarriage threads on here and specialist organisations that can offer support. flowers

lasttimeround Wed 05-Oct-16 09:00:24

Sorry so many autocorrects but I hope you find a way to start to feel better.

FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 09:23:25

Thank you lasttimeround

I am seeing a psychiatric nurse at my GP surgery (started yesterday) but DP really needs to see someone too.

flapjackfairy Wed 05-Oct-16 09:33:57

O i am so sorry frazzle to hear you are having such a rough time. I have been there and it is hard to explain how bad it can be dealing with other peoples pregnancies. For what it is worth i dont think you have done anything wrong and i am sure noone hates you!

It seems that both you and your husband are struggling (naturally) and dealing with it as best you can.
Take time to grieve,you will come out the other side again and you will be happy again but there are no short cuts i am afraid.

Who knows what wonderful things are in store for you in the future.

Sending virtual hugs and best wishes

FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 14:11:10

Thank you flapjack its just so hard. I'm already at rock bottom, then DP pushes me into the basement. He keeps telling me how upset his step sister is and that she needs protecting, not me.
But he was the one who text them to say I wasn't coming on Saturday. I thought I'd told him in confidence. Why did he tell them, then tell me off for upsetting them? I asked him why he did it, he told me not to tunr it onto him, that he's not the one to blame here.

I feel like I cant tell him anything anymore. for fear of getting into trouble with him or his family.

Its so hard. Everyday I feel like I'm being shoved over by a big imaginary bully, and everytime I try to get up I get shoved over again.

I don't know how to get past this 'bully'. And I dont understand why this is happening. I just want it to stop.

AnyFucker Wed 05-Oct-16 14:17:47

Reading your messages here I get the impression that your partner gets something out of hurting you. That he gains a benefit out of seeing you down and destroyed.

I am so sorry for your losses. What I don't understand is how it was OK financially to have a baby in February and again in April but now he is blocking it. Has something changed in the money situation ?

Footle Wed 05-Oct-16 14:24:13

What AF said. Has one of you lost your job or something ?

FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 14:35:07

Reading your messages here I get the impression that your partner gets something out of hurting you. That he gains a benefit out of seeing you down and destroyed. I have felt like this many times. This seems to happen when he is particulary low. But he blames me for his low mood. He says if I was ok, he'd be ok.

We moved into a bigger house so that we would have space for my DC and our new baby (who was a lovely surprise). We didn't really factor in all of our costs. Such as after school childcare being more expensive than where we were before, and having to pay for the school bus for my eldest now he is at secondary school, school uniform, etc.. There are several things that we stupidly didn't think about properly. We mostly thought about bills and food when working out what we could afford.
We just wanted a bigger house so that we could comfortably fit us all in, we even moved out of London to be able to afford it.
If we didnt both have to work full time away from home, then we could probably afford to have another child, as it is childcare that causes the biggest dent. I'm considering going back to Childminding to make this work.

Starryeyed16 Wed 05-Oct-16 14:41:37

I am disagree that your DP is getting a kick out of hurting you. He has just found out that his DF is dying of cancer!! I know excately how that feels because I found out my own DF is that position I would of went mad aswell if my DH said what you said all you needed to do was give him a hug and say you will be there to support him and help out when needed.

KimmySchmidtsSmile Wed 05-Oct-16 14:46:50

Nope. His stepsister's FIL has cancer. Awful obv but a step removed from his own, unless all families are very close indeed.

KimmySchmidtsSmile Wed 05-Oct-16 14:50:59

I am sorry frazzle. I think as you are still reeling (and that's completely normal) that opting out the meal by feigning illness WAS the way to go until you are up to faking it til you make it. There was no reason at all to send that text telling them the truth of how you were feeling unless he thought they would fully support you. I am very sorry flowers

QuiteLikely5 Wed 05-Oct-16 14:51:07

I think that your dp wants you to move on from the past.

I cannot pretend that I understand your grief as I have never been in your situation. You have admitted that it's had a massive impact on your life and quite rightly you are looking to improve your situation. This is something that is necessary when it starts to impact upon others.

I can understand why this situation would affect your dh if it's been going on for months and he wants to move past it. You said he needs to see someone but that needs to come from him.

I think he told the others because he is frustrated at the situation and wanted to be honest with them.

Personally I think you would gain from being happy for your Sil being pregnant, rather than feeling negative about it and fuelling your own misery.

Life goes on and it's best to look forward and remind yourself being stuck in the past is going to be harmful to yourself.

user1470043860 Wed 05-Oct-16 14:51:15

Reading your messages here I get the impression that your partner gets something out of hurting you

Jaysus wept.

BalloonSlayer Wed 05-Oct-16 14:52:10

I think it's the stepsister's husband's father that has cancer starryeyed.

Frazzle [flowers} for you. TBH I would contact the stepsister myself, sod what your DP thinks. Explain that although the miscarriages broke your heart, you were coping OK but the "no more babies" rule that your DP has imposed has stopped you being able to cope.

Your DP seems to have a very strong instinct to avoid being seen as the bad guy.

Tell the truth - bugger it up for him!

FrazzleRock Wed 05-Oct-16 14:54:44

Im so sorry to hear that Starry xxx

And I'm also sorry for the confusion, it is not DP's father who is dying from cancer, its the husband of his step sister.
DP told me and I responded to DP with that, thinking it was sympathetic as we are also going through terrible grief, so I felt for them.
I wouldn't have said that to the step sister's husband. There is nothing you can say to someone in that position except sorry and hug them.

You're right though, I shouldn't have said it to DP either. I guess I'm best not to say anything because anything I say to him escalates into something it wasn't intended to be.

Yup, I'm a terrible person, and there is the proof. DP is right.

MewlingQuim Wed 05-Oct-16 15:02:14

Having had several mcs I found that DH handled them much better than me. To him there was a possibility of a baby but then no baby. To me, there was an actual baby who had died sad

My grief was profound and DH was sometimes thoughtless. Once he asked why are you crying? I went absolutely beserk at him angry

Your grief is real and your DH needs to understand that. I also couldn't bear to be around pregnant friends and avoided them until the baby was born, at which point it suddenly seemed ok. It was the pregnancy that upset me not the baby IYSWIM.

I also couldn't bear to look at the empty room. I shut the door and refused go in.

sadflowers

user1470043860 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:03:20

Grief doesn't make you a terrible person so don't think like that. Just don't listen to the people on here saying that your husband is enjoying hurting you. He isn't. It's just a tremendously sad situation for everyone.

MaliceInWonderland78 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:08:31

I personally didn't get the sense that your DP gets a kick out of hurting you but then I don't have that special MN ability

I can see it from both sides, but by your own admission, you now have expenses that you hadn't anticipated. These in and of themselves are probably insufficient to override your biological imperative. If however your DP is the main breadwinner, he may feel differently.

Many people find themselves with an extra mouth to feed and the cope (out of necessity) That's quite different to planning another child when you know that you may not be able to afford.

My advice.......

If you can, be kind to one another.

I've been through similar and that got us through.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Wed 05-Oct-16 15:13:12

User, can you think of any good reason why this bloke deliberately inflamed a sad situation by dropping op in the shit when she very understandably couldn't face socialising ?

There is only one reason I can think of. He wanted there to be fallout, he wanted the op to be viewed negatively both by his family and by herself and that is exactly what he got. And is he helping her pick up the pieces ? No. He is placing everyone's misery firmly on her shoulders.

Op sounds vulnerable and depressed and I don't blame her when the person who is meant to love her the most treats her like this.

madgingermunchkin Wed 05-Oct-16 15:14:15

It is quite possible that he is lost and doesn't know how to support you so is lashing out instead. He can't magically "fix" this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe he reached out to his mother to ask for support, and she took it to mean "please don't come"?

He's also probably under a lot of pressure too. He knows how much you wanted those babies, he knows how much you want another, but he feels like he's failing and disappointing you by not being financially able to make this happen.

user1470043860 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:19:00

AnyFucker,

I'm sorry you've had such a fucked up past, it's obvious you've had.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 05-Oct-16 15:24:21

I think your partner is being thoughtless and careless, and your in laws are being hugely inconsiderate. You lost two babies in a short space of time - of course it has screwed with your mind, and of course it's going to hurt seeing pregnant women. Both your partner and in laws need to understand that acting happy and smiley when you're in the throws of grief is sometimes utterly impossible.

Miscarriage is a unique kind of grief. Be patient with yourself, and kind to yourself. I wonder if maybe your mental health nurse would be able to have a meeting with both you and your partner to help him understand a bit more about how your head is?

As for him being your support network - that's his job. He is your support, just like you are his, and having to fake how you are feeling so you don't get attacked is not okay.

DollyBarton Wed 05-Oct-16 15:24:46

Jesus Frazzle, you don't have the most supportive or understanding people around you (understatement). For the record you've done nothing wrong here.

Your DH is a jerk for making an issue of this when he could have just made some excuse rather that dropping you in it.

Your SIL and BIL are jerk for taking the hump about 'not being able to celebrate'. Of course they can! You have not stopped them celebrating you have just decided you need more time at home to come to terms with your losses.

Your DH is a triple jerk for calling you crass when you were no such thing. He is obviously feeling annoyed or irritated about everything or can't deal with the pain you're in or is not experiencing anything like what you are but he had no need whatsoever to kick you while you were down with that comment. Asshole.

So take your time and don't apologise to any of them for what is very normal reactions in the face of what you have recently gone through. They all owe you an apology for making things do much harder for you.

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