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Not sure what to do

(10 Posts)
qgirl Wed 05-Oct-16 07:50:24

Hello all
I posted this on what would you do and then found the relationship topic. Needless to say it's my first time posting so please bear with me.

Hello all
This is my first time posting. My DH and I have never communicated well. We are BOTH bad at it but he blames me and I blame him.
I struggle to see what we have in common. He likes to be with his mates. I like being at home. He likes a laugh. I do too but we don't laugh at the same thing.
Today I completed a 4 hour round trip for a 5 hour meeting. I was tired and spent the evening doing the online shop, having cooked the meal (i cook 99% of the time). I also spent time trying to book a weekend away with a girlfriend for some ME time. At the end of the evening, we hadn't spoken and so I took myself off to bed without saying goodnight. Not angry just tired and not bothered.
So this starts a text conversation from him along the lines of - you don't respect me, you are not normal, you show no interest in me, it's not just me who thinks you are hard work, if I think about it too much, you make me unhappy. This is after me the night before telling him that I was driving to this place for my meeting today - his response was to say nothing. Nothing at all.
This just feels like a dead relationship, I don't know that we have ever got on. His family (siblings, parents) are very involved in his life. And it doesn't feel like WE are the unit.
I know I was at fault to go to bed without saying anything but does that make me 'not normal'? And when do you know when to give up? How do you make the decision to end the relationship? How do you know it's the end?

TheNaze73 Wed 05-Oct-16 07:54:12

I agree that it sounds like a dead relationship.

Neither of you seem to be reaching out to each other either. Sounds like it's at a crossroads but, it sounds like hard work to me.

skyyequake Wed 05-Oct-16 07:59:06

It doesn't really seem like either of you have much affection for the other. If you're posting on here to ask whether you can end it then you already know what you have to do.

You don't need some big event to break up a relationship. You don't need a reason beyond the fact that it is making you unhappy. In this case it seems to be making both of you unhappy, so I really don't see why you would stay.

You haven't mentioned any DC so a split should be relatively simple. Would you move out or would he? Do you have a mortgage/tenancy in both your names or just one of you? That's the only thing you'll really have to sort out.

You don't have to stay in a loveless relationship. If you cut ties now you will give the both of you a chance to find someone more compatible.

If you really feel that you have communication issues then you could maybe try counselling or working on yourself before trying to find someone new. But that's your choice and I don't think it really affects this relationship. You both sound unhappy...

Hope things go well flowers

qgirl Wed 05-Oct-16 08:07:27

We do have 1 DC and we're in a rented house.
We tried counselling but it was the wrong kind of counselling in that it wasn't a forum to air our grievances. And they (it was a counselling couple) dared to suggest it takes 2 when he tried to say it was me being negative.
I don't feel like I have the strength to make a decision.

qgirl Wed 05-Oct-16 08:13:42

I do love him but I don't think I have ever been in love with him.

skyyequake Wed 05-Oct-16 08:19:55

I don't think counselling will help you as a couple. Tbh a few things you've said have thrown warning signs but that could just be me projecting...

It is hard when you have DC but still perfectly possible.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Oct-16 08:52:28

What would be your ideal outcome to this?
Is it achievable?
You can't expect someone to change so if you want him to change then it's not achievable.
You can't save a whole relationship in your own.
It takes the both of you.
If you are not longer in love with him and have never been then there is nothing to 'get back'. So you've nowhere to go from here really.

mistlethrush Wed 05-Oct-16 09:15:56

It takes two to make a relationship work - and it sounds as though neither of you are giving it any attention at the moment.

Perhaps you need to sit down with him and have a discussion - either we both need to work hard at this to make it work or the best thing is splitting up. And if you try the former, you both need to try - that means both making the effort - not just him expecting you to 'respect' him when he's apparently done nothing to generate that respect.

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 11:52:39

Do you think a period of separation is possible? Would you miss each other if apart? You certainly haven't painted a picture of a happy relationship but could this possibly be a bad patch (all relationships go through them)?

adora1 Wed 05-Oct-16 14:13:32

Well perhaps if he cooked for you one night and you weren't doing for him 99% of the time, you might be more interested in what he has to say, it does take two so it's not just down to you OP.

You both either want to make it work or you don't, I wouldn't carry on like this though so sit down and work out what you both need from each other, I think he needs to perhaps show you by doing things as it sounds like you are very much the one keeping the unit together.

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