My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex wife am I doing it right or am I fool.

107 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 21:49

Fist of all some basic background to where I am today. My ex wife and former love of my life had an affair a left me and the kids for another man. She was always a difficult woman but I loved her all the same. When I was in the relationship I was blind to the abuse I was under. She would go off her head at me for the littlest thing, she would put me down, attack me sometimes and as well as the affair she had been lying to me about all sorts for years mainly to undermined my trust in my closest friends and family. Because of her lies I nearly lost some good friends. I was blind to all this because I trusted her 100%. She tore my world and kids worlds apart.

Anyway role on to the present. I live with the kids and she lives 100 miles away. We get on fine now and I get no abuse from her (on the whole she is sound). I know the above paints her in a bad light but despite it all I don't think she is evil just a messed up person. I think I married a fraud, maybe she was trying hard to be someone deep down she wasn't. M best guess is some sort of personality disorder. The household is a lot calmer with her gone. The main problem is she is a compulsive liar. I really don't think she knows what the truth is anymore. Her life is a mess I know that. It didn't work out with the bum she left us for (the best way I can describe the bloke, he was no catch). I don't love her anymore (never thought I would say that) but it seems I have some sort of responsibility for her. She has totally fucked her life up and has nothing. Its is a bit of a pain that she lies all the time. She has just told me that she has had to have a few days off work because she has had a break down. That wouldn't surprise me as I often worry about her mental health and I think the enormity of the way she's fucked her life up is starting to kick in now she has no one to look after her. We had it all really. But the trouble is I never really know is this is the truth or a lie to work things to her advantage.

So it is working like this for us. We get on fine now. She is nice to me (not that she was always horrible we have lots of nice loving memories too). I help her out with stuff like her car. No point hating her. We sometimes do things together with the kids. We always spend Christmas together with the kids and we are going on our first little break away together with the kids soon for a couple of night (separate rooms). I think it could be very good for her as it will probably be the only holiday she gets this year. I have paid for the accommodation and will be driving us all up. I will probably have to pay for nearly everything as she say she always skint (that probably is the truth as she earns little working in a popular fast food place). I don't really mind as I am fairly comfortable and it would be the same if we were still married as she never brought in an income. I just hope we all have a nice time (that I am confident we will to be fair) and that it helps my ex wife to perk up a bit and feel a bit happier.

So my question really is am I mad (I know I am in general) to be so friendly with my ex, care about her wellbeing and still supporting her to some extent? Especially after the hurt and abuse she has caused me? Should I be making the excuses I do for her actions because I think she has problems or is she in reality just a dick?

OP posts:
Report
OliviaBenson · 04/10/2016 21:51

Sorry but yes I do think it's a bit mad all going on holiday together. You have split up, why play happy families? Her happiness isn't your responsibility.

I'm also not sure what message it is sending out to your kids?

Report
Cocoabutton · 04/10/2016 21:55

Doing it right is doing what you believe to be correct - and really, you don't need to justify not hating your ex-wife.

My personal view is that if you are separated then some boundaries need to be in place. Otherwise it gets confusing. But getting along when you have DC is a good thing, generally speaking.

Report
redexpat · 04/10/2016 21:56

The only question you have to ask yourself is for whose benefit am i doing this? If the answer is dc then do it. If not, dont.

Report
madgingermunchkin · 04/10/2016 22:01

Being civil does not mean you have to be the mug that pays for her.

Yes, it's great for your kids that you try to be nice and don't hate her, but why on earth are you paying her money? The kids live with you.

She is an adult, and she will never have to learn how to stand on her own two feet if you're there to pick up the pieces and bankroll her.
And it's not your problem if she can't afford to go on holiday. That's on her, not you.

Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:01

I thought about this. The kids are boy 18 months old and a girl 5. My little boy was 6 months old when she left so he knows no different. My little girl know that me and her mummy are not together and never will be. But it is important to us that the kids know that their mummy and daddy love them and work together. I don't see why either of us should miss out on those special moments with the kids. Epically when we can get on perfectly fine with each other. Like I said we have separate rooms and don't do anything that would lead the kids on to thinking there was more. Personally I think its good for the kids to know they can share things with their mummy and daddy at the same time.

I know her happiness is not my responsibility. I know this tradegy was all her doing but I don't want to see her fuck her life up (either anyone else). I want the kids to have a mummy who has it together.

OP posts:
Report
ivykaty44 · 04/10/2016 22:05

You are "being" nice but it will prevent you from moving on. Let go, let yourself focus on your life and being nice to you

Report
Cocoabutton · 04/10/2016 22:05

I think there is a difference between knowing something in your head and feeling something in your heart. You say you know her happiness is not your responsibility but I don't think that is what you feel in your heart. Otherwise you would not call the situation a tragedy, I don't think.

Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:06

If she had more cash I would be expecting her to cough up. Hopefully she will pay her pay as much as she can. Its just I am fairly ok for cash and why should the kids miss out? Also from a practical point of view it will be a better holiday with two adults. Because you cant get the best of things with a toddler and a 5 year old on your own. So that is a strong advance.

OP posts:
Report
Cat2014 · 04/10/2016 22:09

I think it's great and should be applauded. So much better than all the hatred that so often goes on. Much better for the children.

Report
Joysmum · 04/10/2016 22:11

The trouble with this is that there is a good chance that when either of you start another relationship, your family set up with not be able to. Ontinue as it is and this will hurt your kids more and more as they get used how things are now, and get older.

I can see why you think you're doing the right thing but I think you are setting your kids up for hurt later down the line.

Report
CaptinMuma · 04/10/2016 22:11

I don't think your 'mad' you sound like a lovely man trying to make the best for his kids. Just be careful.

Report
HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2016 22:11

I don't really think that it's a good idea. If your youngest is only 18 months, this is all quite new. I don't think you are going to be able to move on properly if you keep up this level of contact and enmeshment. You may think that your 5 year old understands that you are permanently separated but I do believe that carrying on like this is sending her mixed messages and giving her unrealistic hopes.

Get on with the divorce, be generous with the financial settlement, stay civil, but don't go on holiday together.

Report
LineyReborn · 04/10/2016 22:13

You are going to get back together with her and inflict this maelstrom on your children.

Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:15

Cocoabutton I know it sounds stupid. I don't want her. But I do want her to make something of her life and find her own happiness. Sometimes I wonder if she was ever a happy person? I am doing great. I am more confident than ever. I am successful, happy, positive and I have two truly amazing and happy kids. Life is good (well apart from being blood hard work, I hardly ever get any down time). I know its all her doing but I don't want karma, I wish that she would find happiness and peace too. I am mad, I should probably be wishing her a shit life, although that seems to be happening anyway.

OP posts:
Report
ivykaty44 · 04/10/2016 22:23

I do want her to make something of her life and fund her own happinesses


Very nice of you, really but remember you can't do this for another person. They need to do this for themselves.....

Report
benbry · 04/10/2016 22:24

You're playing with fire, be very, very careful. You could be giving her the wrong impression, without meaning to.

Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:25

LineyReborn I will say this very clearly NOT A CHACNCE IT HELL. I loved the woman I thought she was to the moon and back. But that woman does not existed. She is fundamentally corrupt and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I have seen another to know I could do so much better and be with someone who deserves me and will show me the same love and respect. I will never be with her again.

As to future relationships my main job is raising the kids. I like are little family and have no intention of anyone else joining it or changing the dynamic. I don't have time for relationships anyway. Once the kids are adults then will be the time to look for a life partner. My focus is raising the kids. I do a little causal dating and surprisingly I have found many nice woman simply after the same thing.

OP posts:
Report
Starlight2345 · 04/10/2016 22:29

I think the problem here for me is that while I do think you want the best for your kids

She does have to find her own way. I wanted to help my Ex when we split up.Ultimately she needs to find a way to support herself and contribute to the care of the kids.... If it was roles reversed people would be saying go to the CMS...Even if you are now friends it isn't up to you to support your friends...Co parenting is the great part.

Report
madgingermunchkin · 04/10/2016 22:31

Your children will never have a mother "who has it together" as long as you are picking up the pieces and the bills.

She has no incentive to do it for herself. Why should she? You "help her out", you pay for things.

I applaud you for taking the high road and being polite and civil and wanting to get on.

But there is a line between being a supportive friend, and being a mug. Right now, you're the latter.

You don't need to give her money or pay for things to be supportive.

Report
HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2016 22:33

She made a bad decision and temporarily things are shit for her but this needn't be her long term future. She needs financial security (independent from you i.e not needing to rely on you to take her on holiday) and a good relationship and regular contact with her children. You can't make both these things happen for her but you create the conditions under which she can have these things if she makes the effort. The most loving and generous and magnanimous thing that you can do for her is create those conditions and not try to stop her succeeding.

The most loving thing you can do for yourself is keep her at arm's length and not get sucked into feeling like you have to "rescue" her from her poor decision - a decision, remember, which caused you great pain.

Report
Molly333 · 04/10/2016 22:33

Have you ever looked up personality disorder , I would ! She sounds like a classic case . If so you need form boundaries or you will be involved with the crisis episodes

Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:35

She does need to support her self but she has landed her self in the deep end. She is in dark place right now and has no one. I don't want to kick a dog when its down.

As for the holiday the kids will get so much out of it. For example I can take my little girl on the water slide etc while my ex looks after the little man. Things I couldn't do with the kids on my own. If it help my ex perk up a little too what's the harm.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:39

Buy the way I don't pay anything for ex normally. She pays her own way. But she aint got much spare cash for the holiday. She may even surprise me but as she said she's a bit skint at the moment I am suspecting I may have to cover most of the food and attractions. Maybe she is skint because she is saving for it? I know it is hard to be a single person on minimum wage.

OP posts:
Report
1DAD2KIDS · 04/10/2016 22:45

Molly333 I have looked into a few things that aspects of her fits into. It was amazing after we spit how many people said things like she always was a bit of an odd ball.

To be honest I hate the idea of her having a disorder because it make me feel like a failure. I promised to love her for better or for worse. Sickness all in health. That's what I promised and I meant its. So I don't love her any more, I don't want her back. In away that means I have failed.

OP posts:
Report
Haffdonga · 04/10/2016 22:48

I'd say the only rights and wrongs here are what's right for you and your dcs.

If you, your exw and the dcs can all understand where the boundaries are, benefit from the company and shared parenting and can manage a happy and supportive relationship this way, then what's not to like?

But if any one of you (including the dcs) is getting confused or fucked up by the situation then it's time to draw a stronger line (expecting more? becoming dependent? feeling used? not able to build a new separate life? etc)

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.