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PND.OH unsupportive

(11 Posts)
duskmum Tue 04-Oct-16 20:59:03

Just got back from the hospital due to my LB being ill. Checked over and all is ok. When speaking to the doc about my LB other issues she asked how I was coping. I just broke down and said I wasn't coping. This is the first time I've admitted I'm really not coping. She was lovely and wrote on our discard letter for me to urgently see the GP.

My OH was there and I've mentioned to him I'm really struggling. At the hospital he didn't hug me or tell me things would be ok when I broke down. He just acted like I hadn't. He then went to rant on about work and how his job is mentally draining. I was sitting with our LB trying to occupy him while my OH was on his mobile. He then asked what was up, I was gobsmacked. How could he ask like I'm not struggling??

Part of me being down is a lack of support I think. He isn't one to talk about feelings, he keeps his bottled up. He doesn't know what to do when I cry. I just don't know what to do about support and how to say to him I need it without blaming him and starting an argument which I don't need right now.

georgethecat Tue 04-Oct-16 21:15:16

You are tired, ill and you need help. He is not being much use!
Is there anybody else you can call on to get some support immediately and then worry about the relationship at a later stage.
I had slight PND and a useless partner but on reflection I think he was shell shocked. Could be your guy or he could just be being totally crap.
Being a new mum is really really really hard. Take all offers of help from any available family, confide in others - health visitor, family, new mum group.
I remember being a tearful zombie in boots and a little old lady came up to me and said (kindly!) 'awful little buggers aren't they, I often wanted to throw my son out of the window!'
This made me feel normal

Starbright10 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:26:18

I def think my OH struggling with depression and/or stress too during the first 6 months of my Dd1. I think we often forget the dad's go through a whole upheaval and changes too - lack of sleep, financial worries.

Could he not be coping too? Especially if you are struggling and everything tough at the mo. And also if he's not that good with emotions in the first place.

Does he show his love and support for you in other ways? Mine was rubbish emotionally but did used to try and do more house chores which I realised after a while was he trying to support me.

You need the emotional support though. See your gp and talk to friends.

Wait until your DC is at least 1years old before making any decisions about your relationship. You can't judge him or your relationship right now when you are both going through a very stressful time.

Oh and keep telling him exactly what you need from him (I need a hug... I need to talk about this) does make it easier for him to help you

duskmum Tue 04-Oct-16 21:40:15

Georgethecat not really, my parents are away atm and I don't feel I can confide in friends. My mum listens to me but I just feel like she doesn't want to hear it. She looked after my LB last week to give me and OH a break but I had to pick him up early as she couldn't deal with him.
I know he is finding it hard too. Think he doesn't know how to deal with it. But he doesn't seem depressed.
That comment definitely would have set me off. It is nice to hear other people struggle too and that you're not alone.

I do think he is struggling. He might be more than he's letting on but because he doesn't show his feelings I wouldn't know.

He used to help out more with chores. Not so much now. When I had a cold last week though he did take our LB all night and I got a good night sleep so I really appreciated that.

I don't want to split from him. I would like some more support, I'm hoping I'll be able to find it somewhere

georgethecat Tue 04-Oct-16 21:47:25

Ok have you got a local children's centre? - baby group- that was a massive help to me. Just saying 'I'm so fucking tired' to someone who really gets you is a great help.

Maybe he needs specific instructions? And maybe better at practical support than emotional?

It will get better - promise!

Get on some of the baby boards on this site too!


duskmum Wed 05-Oct-16 05:51:16

Thanks georgethecat. Yes we have a baby centre and started going to classes. It helps as keeps baby occupied and can speak to people in a similar place!

Maybe he does I don't know. I've just been told from him I need to enforce a routine all day and night. I explained that with baby groups it might be tough to which he responded "well what's more important, sleep or baby groups ". Not really helpful especially since we had another bad night.

Agerbilatemycardigan Wed 05-Oct-16 06:15:11

I really hope that you grab any help that's offered with both hands. I think that sometimes the dads get angry because they don't know how to help, and do feel literally helpless.

Mind you, my (now) ex's idea of 'supporting' me through severe PND was to threaten to have my baby taken away if I didn't 'Buck up' He was awesome angry

Hope things improve for you flowers

sandgrown Wed 05-Oct-16 06:37:22

I feel for you. My ex told me I did not know what depression was! He was with me when I was in a shop buying a cot and the assistant told me (kindly) that I looked awful and should get some help. He did not help by getting angry with me. I did not ask for help and even now years later I regret the time I missed with my son because I was in a "fog"'. Look after yourself and take all offers of help.Stick with the baby groups too as the company and being able to talk about it helpsflowers

georgethecat Wed 05-Oct-16 06:56:14

Yea echo other poster - baby groups are more important! Don't be housebound.
Babies don't follow routines!

duskmum Wed 05-Oct-16 08:58:07

I feel absolutely awful now about this post! My OH has stayed at home to clean the kitchen and living room! Also gone out to get me breakfast. Maybe he just didn't want to make a big deal of things.
Thank you for your replies. Baby groups really do make me feel more normal.

Myusernameismyusername Wed 05-Oct-16 09:15:42

I honestly don't think people understand PND, even my own mother didn't let alone my DP (now ex) because I wasn't good at putting it into words.
When I was very ill my HV came round and I cried that he didn't understand. She came back when he was next at home and sat him down and explained it to him. That did help a little bit. What happened to me is that I did not get PND after baby 1but baby 2, so it made no sense to him at all. About 2 hours after birth I couldn't understand why I felt so awful and tearful. I didn't stop feeling that way for about 6 months.
Maybe give him something to read about PND? That might help.
Good luck and I hope you feel better and get help, don't be afraid to speak up about how you feel.

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