If you have very small DC - how is your relationship?! (Mine is pants)

[PenelopeChipShop]

I've just seen the thread about married sex and its v similar to what I was about to post but not quite so here goes...

Some days I how badly feel like having the DC has killed our relationship. I wonder if we will ever get back to the way we were before being parents and feel this longing - not to be carefree or younger again, or not to have the DC who we adore - but for the way our relationship was then.

We kept up with current affairs and had conversations about stuff in the news. We went out to concerts and for drinks and to sports games. We watched loads of telly and got info box sets - this is the one thing we still manage to do! We had sex!!!

Now it's more like we're colleagues and not even ones who even like each other much. We're not physically affectionate, we don't cuddle in bed, even when watching TV I've noticed that we used to both sit on the big sofa together and now DH has moved to the small one. We sometimes don't even kiss hello and goodbye when he goes to work. Sex is about once a month, if that! Tbf our youngest is 6 months so it's only recently I've felt back to normal in that way and I thought he'd be really pleased but DH now seems less interested than I was when she was a newborn!

I just want to get an idea really of how normal all this is as its getting me down. We tried to talk about it the other night but it made me feel worse as DH said he thought we should be 'beyond' fancying each other and that he doesn't even really think about whether he's still attracted to me. We're only 35, I think we need to get that spark back but am so lost for time, energy, ideas.

[MatildaTheCat]

It sounds a little as if you have both allocated yourself new roles as mum and dad and given up on the husband and wife, if that makes sense? You are waking up to it and wanting back your relationship whereas he hasn't realised you can and should have both.

Young DC are overwhelmingly exhausting and all consuming so I think this scenario is not uncommon. Do you both have hobbies or interests which get you out? Retaining something of your old self is so important. Try to identify small areas to focus on...watch the news together and ask his opinion. Invite mates for supper and put some music on and chat about anything except the DC.

It gets better but involves effort. You had a great relationship before so it can get back on track and be fun again.

[Fairylea]

My dh and I have two children and one of them is disabled and has very demanding special needs. We are only young (late 20s / early 30s) and life has completely changed and I can relate to some of what you've written. It's very easy to become "mum and dad" even when you're alone with each other. I think when you don't have children relationships are effortless, you have less demands and less worries. All the energy you have is focused on each other. Having children changes that. I do think the key to it all is making effort. People always say marriage shouldn't be hard work and of course it shouldn't be a grind (!) but dh and I really make the effort to find things to watch together on tv and talk about, we will sit together and hold hands (can you go and sit with your dh if he sits separately?) and we still chat and laugh about things.

I would chat to your dh about it and see what he says. It takes effort from both sides, there's no point in you making all the effort if he can't be bothered. That's more worrying, I would ask why if that's the case.

But I do think people get into a rut after having children because they expect the romance to come naturally as it once was and when you have little people about it really does need a lot of effort and planning!

[TheNaze73]

You need to somehow create the opportunity to be man & woman. It sounds like you've just slipped into Mum & Dad mode. Takes a bit of effort & forward planning but, if you both want it, it can be turned around

[PenelopeChipShop]

It's encouraging to hear people think it's solvable, thank you. I don't want to tell the whole sorry tale but we're also recovering from 'emotional infidelity' and we both know we need to make an effort for each other but with a new baby and a 4yo 'us' just keeps slipping down the list. Plus we seem to make children who don't sleep well. Plus my parents, although local, don't seek to consider 'date night' a good reason to babysit. I just feel so down about it cos my parents had quite an unhappy marriage for years and I hated living in the atmosphere, I really don't want to recreate that for my DC. But so often we're just a bit tense and off with each other. It's like, where did all that love and hope go???!!!