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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm curious, is this right?

(5 Posts)
Unicornsandrainbows3 Tue 04-Oct-16 11:34:13

I've been reading through this forum for awhile now and I'm curious as to how DV is dealt with in various countries. Where I'm from DV is an epidemic and the statistics on DV related murder of women and children is just horrific. And that of course is the most severe, EA, financial and physical and sexual abuse are at all time highs too. Unfortunately the response from everyone from social services to police and courts is often appalling. Victim blaming, not being taken seriously, accused of being a vindictive or alienating parent, offender often gets away because he's 'such a good man/father'. Breaches of orders are not taken seriously and it often very difficult to get police to take statements and get it to court. If it does get that far it's often thrown out or the offender gets a small slap on the wrist.
If SS get involved the protective parent is often blamed, DV is minimised as 'family conflict' and the father's relationship with the child is put above safety. Obviously there are some good and caring people working to uphold law and protect people from violence but the system is very, very broken.

It seems very different (generally) on this board. Am I right in thinking the UK takes a tough stance on it? It certainly seems that way from reading here and it gives me hope that one day things might change in my country.

pallasathena Tue 04-Oct-16 12:30:03

Yes, we're fortunate in that the UK does take a very serious view of the issues surrounding domestic abuse by both male and female abusers and most recently, government has passed legislation outlawing what is known as coercive control - the emotional, sometimes psychological abuse of an individual by a dominating perpetrator.
I think what we have in Western societies is an appreciation and a determination to embrace liberty, fraternity and equality for everyone and so, our laws reflect this: everyone has equal rights in theory, to a life free from abuse in whatever shape or form that type of abuse takes.
Men, women and children have the right in our culture to live free from harm.
The problem arises of course when other people have outdated, outmoded, egocentric and downright pathological views on their own often perverted ideas of their rights and that is why it is so, so important for women and girls especially, to find their voice, tell their stories and demand change.
However, you only have to read some of the stories here on Mumsnet to realise that there are, sadly, many many men,women and children - even in our fairly enlightened society - who suffer from abuse in its various forms and each week, in this country, two women are killed in the UK by men. Usually, men they actually know.
And its usually about power, control and rampant entitlement as to why these men do it.
Look at the narrative and how it is framed in your country regarding how women are perceived. For change to work, that narrative has to be re-framed through social engineering for any lasting benefit.
Its a political, economic and sociological issue that will only change through committed activism and determined intervention.

keepingonrunning Tue 18-Oct-16 10:08:44

I thought you were talking about the UK!
Plenty of victim shaming of women here too, partners found not guilty despite the evidence of a punched face, manipulation of the family courts, children's best interests regarded as access to both parents regardless of history of abuse.
The new law regarding coercive control since late Dec has been a major step forward, helped by high profile coverage of a storyline featuring it in a popular radio soap (The Archers). In my experience awareness by the police is good but the courts have yet to catch up (the judge said very irritatedly, "divorce squabbles", despite imitation to the point I thought XH might kill me).
I could be misinformed but I attribute improvements in recognising and dealing with DV in the UK to Theresa May, home secretary for 6 years. I have high hopes of further cultural changes now she is PM. (For info I am not an avid supporter of any single political party).

keepingonrunning Tue 18-Oct-16 10:10:26

. . .^intimidation^. . .

Unicornsandrainbows3 Tue 01-Nov-16 05:51:13

No I'm not talking about the UK. When I first started reading here I saw so many positive stories about the police and courts recognising DV and acting to protect women and children. Really acting I mean, not just doing the 'there there dear pat on the head'. It's the complete opposite of the experiences I and so many have had here, but I do see that there are plenty in the UK who have negative experiences also. We have a deeply ingrained misogynistic society here, a 'boys club' in the police, courts and society in general. The DV laws have been updated to include things like financial and emotional abuse but really it is still on paper only and hasn't really flowed to where it needs to be. The courts here are full of women trying to protect themselves and their children. DV murder statistics are horrendous and yet every article written will find a way to blame the woman and hold the man up as a 'great father/upstanding man in the community'. 'Reading the many positive stories here gives me hope but I guess we still have a long way to go the world over.

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