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Feeling sick 😔(6 Posts)
Desperately need some advice. I've been with DP for 10 years and we have a DD aged 3 together. We have never married because he has never wanted to and we live in what is technically his house. I haven't worked fulltime since DD was born as we have no family in the area so childcare would have been too much money. Instead I have worked part time evening work in a bar- so low pay. He has covered mortgage payments bills food shop etc and my wages cover the car costs, some food and activities etc for DD. We have separate bank accounts but if I ever need anything extra I ask for money. I've never felt that comfortable with this so in general try not to ask for money. Anyway, our relationship hasn't been perfect over the years but we have been generally happy. But since DD things have been quite up and down, due to moving/ job stresses/ family bereavement and every time there is an argument however small, it seems to blow into something bigger. He is forever pointing out my faults and all that is wrong with me, and this along with the rows is wearing me down to a point tht I'm just unhappy. A row started at the weekend, over something small and the whole thing has escalated. He has told me that he is questioning whether we should be together and doesn't think it's working. I will be honest, I agree, but realise practically I am in a much more vulnerable position. I feel lost. I don't know where I will go or where I will get money from. I am terrified he would get custody of DD because he would be seen as having a more stable living environment. Maybe it would even be better for her to stay with him? I'm crying as I type this. I can't believe this has all got so messed up. Help.
Sweetie, I'm sorry. You need a solicitor to sort the finances out and to ensure that you get a fair share of assets and equity. I'm not an expert but I would say, don't leave. If you leave you will be homeless and this will make things very difficult.
Make sure you have copies of whatever you can find - his bank account, salary slips, earnings, mortgage payments etc etc.
You also need to talk to your partner and decide what you will do.
If your DD is only 3 you would qualify for some financial help if you separate and your partner would also have to pay you some maintenance towards her living costs. You may find that personally you are better off being apart as it sounds like you are beholden to him for everything and don't have any say in how your money is spent.
I have 3 DCs and work from home, I get tax credits to top up my income, money from xH and I have a nice standard of life. When I was with xh I couldn't even do a food shop without checking that we had enough in the bank to do it and yet somehow, even though he earns the same, we are able to support two separate homes and both have a good life.
Don't let money keep you together if you would be happier apart. He sounds financially controlling and I'm sure that's not his only fault. If a man isn't generous with money then in my experience he is also stingy with love.
Have a look on the turn to us or entitled to calculators to see what help you could get towards living costs. You can get money towards childcare as well as housing benefit etc and there are reductions on council tax and water bills etc for low income/single parents. It feels daunting when you've never had to do these things before, but once you get your independence there's no going back! You are in control of your own life.
And he won't get custody unless you are an unfit parent. Most likely is to start with 50/50 as an option (which feels awful at the moment when you want your DD close to you, but may actually give you the best option for balancing working and earning plus social life and your DD) and quite often the parent who has done the most childcare ends up still having them most of the time as the other full time working parent has no idea how much organisation is involved in the day to day stuff and can't actually fit it around their job without a lot of help (sometimes from the other parent!)
My xh has our DCs once a week, but I usually still collect them from school and he picks them up here when he finishes work, so even if he had them 50/50 I'd probably see them every day.
Thankyou for the advice. I'm feeling really depressed and like my heart is breaking at the moment. Interspersed with panic at thought of being homeless. He is being really cold but polite.
Ask him if he'll loan you the money for a rental deposit, or go to your local housing office and find out what your rights are.
As others have suggested, access 'Entitled to', online and work out what your benefits would look like once you leave and start planning your exit.
You can't live like this and neither can your child. The atmosphere must be toxic for her. You need to prioritise your physical and mental health now for yours and your child's sake.
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