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That bloody myth about men wanting it more than women

(15 Posts)
Stilllovely Tue 06-Feb-07 21:35:02

My husband just won't have sex with me. I have no idea why. Whenever I've tried to raise it with him (no pun intended) he's just got angry and said 'I haven't got time to talk about this now' or just made a stupid joke. I tried coming on to him last week, kissed his neck, stroked him, felt quite horny, and all he did was giggle in a really stupid way and make silly noises - hardly a turn-on! He's happy to have oral sex, and more than happy for me to do it to him, but full-blown sex just doesn't seem to happen however hard I try. We both want another baby, but it ain't gonna happen this way as I've tried to tell him! What the hell is the matter?

PeckaRolloverAgain Tue 06-Feb-07 21:37:28

Im puzzled about the funny noises, what kind of funny noises?

Is he under a lot of stress or anything?

madamez Tue 06-Feb-07 22:35:26

Well, there's definitely something wrong (did just type "something up" and then corrected it. Sorry.) He may have found his willy wouldn't work and be terrified it's broken (ie, looked at something or thought about something that normally turns him on and still had a floppy sausage). He may be unhappy or annoyed or uneasy about something that is happening between the pair of you - other than the no-bonking, are you getting on reasonably well? Are you in agreement about most things?
It could be that he doesn't want another baby or is uneasy about the prospect for some reason, but rather than telling you so directly, he's pratting about. You're probably best off being direct with him: "Look, hubby, we're not having sex. We haven't had sex for ages. Why not?"
The answer you get might not be all that pleasant, but you will at least know.

Stilllovely Wed 07-Feb-07 19:24:35

Well we're not getting on great, but we try to put things right after we've had an argument. It's very hard to draw him out on anything emotional - he tends to clam up and say that everything's fine, which makes it very hard to sort things out. I did mention it to him last night, and he muttered something about us arguing, but also said 'I'm just tired', which is his stock reply to anything a bit awkward. He also didn't seem to think it was a problem - but I do! I'm only 37, and I want to be having sex for a while longer yet!

Re. the funny noises - just stupid things like 'oo, missus' and 'tee hee hee'. Bloody infuriating.

Stilllovely Wed 07-Feb-07 19:25:59

Oh, and he is under a lot of stress at work but claims that he leaves it there and doesn't bring it home. And he's said himself that he wants another baby, so it's not that.

vixies Wed 07-Feb-07 19:30:13

We haven't done it for 8 months now...Bizarrely, everything is fine, but just no nookie. I'm desparate!

Stilllovely Wed 07-Feb-07 22:08:16

8 months???? I can't wait that long! Have you discussed it? The worst thing is that I don't want to get used to this and give up on it all together cos it will always cause an argument. Shit, I like sex!

vixies Thu 08-Feb-07 10:35:32

Last four months of pregnancy were very fraught; sprog now four months old and still in our room. We do talk about it, both assume it will happen when life has settled down again. I think a weekend away is just the thing myself.....but we can't bear to leave the baby!!!

Did you know, by the way, that apart from humans dolphins are the only other species that have sex just for fun?!

Stilllovely Thu 08-Feb-07 18:07:12

To begin with he said that was why too, but she's not been in our room for over 2 months now. I just don't know the right way of talking about it with him. He's very proud and incredibly emotionally closed, and I'm afraid he'll just dismiss it and make it into my problem. I don't understand why he doesn't see that it IS a problem. Do we need to see a sex therapist or something? I'm so sick of always being the one who sorts out difficulties and makes moves to make our relationship work better.

vixies Thu 08-Feb-07 18:43:13

What about a night away somewhere? A nice meal, bottle or two of wine, baby looked after by someone totally reliable so you can both relax and just see what happens? I sometimes think the worst thing you can do with a man is talk about this kind of thing, they just get so defensive.

Steppy1 Thu 08-Feb-07 18:50:22

I so feel for you stilllovely...had this 'problem' now for a long time...we've been to relate and everything else in our relationship seems to be fine except that....I swing from thinking it really doesn't matter to being extremely frustrated..and then I get angry (just my nature I suppose) At 43 I feel too young to be in a sexless marriage..but if he's not interested what's a woman to do.... maybe it's something to do with a man's libido as he gets older...and probably looking at as mothers rather than the sex nymphs we were before children came along....... perfect really at the time when we're at our sexual peak.....

Maybe the answer is to take 25 year old lovers ...just for sex of course !!!!!!

wishing1 Fri 16-Feb-07 07:38:10

Stilllovely
My dh is closed and emotionally frozen as well, it sucks! Mine knows that we can only go 4 days without sex and I'm crazy so even if he's tired he will to keep peace, but my sis's hubby didn't want to for the longest time and he is closed, he didn't want to tell her that he just flat out had trouble getting it up, a trip to the doc and some vitamens and viagra cured that. If he will do oral maybe he's afraid of you becoming prego and that's why he wont do it. You can't solve the probs by yourself I did this in my first marriage and when i quit solving, it fell apart and we divorced, it takes two. I seriously couldn't be faithful to a guy that wouldn't put out, it's bad to say but that is part of a marriage flat out along with honesty. It's about your needs too. I went to counseling by myself when i was with dh1 and it really helped me to see my relationship was shit and i deserved better. If he loves you then he needs to work this out and take care of your needs too.

xenabelly Fri 16-Feb-07 09:16:19

hi

am so glad to hear I'm not the only person with this problem.

Hubby and I get on brilliantly, I fancy him and he makes me laugh and he's very kissey and cuddly and tells me he loves me, holds my hand etc etc BUT he just doesn't like sex. He NEVER inititates it and if we ever do it I have to beg, bargain and cajole him into it - geez, makes me feel real sexy that not! As a result our sex life is terrible and I never orgasm.

He also makes 'funny' noises of the 'o-er missis' and 'honk honk' type!! Apparently one of my mates with same problem says her hubby does same - isn't that wierd?

Anyway, this has been going on for years, I've tried everything. Sexy games, big rows, crying, weekends away, not mentioning it (we went for 12mths without doing it! He didn't even notice), I have told him over and over again how bad and unattractive and frustrated it makes me and his answer is always 'i'm tired', 'i'm stressed' - even when he obviously isn't. Eventually he just told me he 'wasn't that bothered about sex and could take it or leave it' - great! I am very bothered about sex and love it and want it - not a good combination.

After 10yrs of this I have now found myself a fuck buddy in the same position. Married bloke who loves his wife but never gets any sex cos 'she's not that bothered'. It has made the world of difference to my confidence and has not affected how I feel about hubby. I still really fancy him but now I'm not mithering him all the time about sex and it's taken a lot of pressure off.

I'm sure this isn't the answer but like some of the other posters say - i'm too young to by celibate for the rest of my life and everything else in our relationship is fab!

BTW: totally no problems with my hubby getting it up, he wakes up with a hard on most mornings and as soon as I play with him, gets hard but then laughs and tells me to 'gerroff' him...sigh...

Stilllovely Fri 16-Feb-07 22:55:51

Wow, 12 months! I'm not sure I could cope with a fuck buddy - the guilt would be too much, and dh would know. But thinking about it is so tempting - just to feel attractive again, and to have someone want to have sex with me... We have managed it a couple of times since I first wrote (god, a couple of times in 10 days), but it's been completely unfulfilling for me. Or am I expecting too much? I thought sex was about connection and loving, but it just feels mechanical and 'oh god she's going to start bothering me for it so I better get it over with'. I've always wanted it more than him from the beginning of our relationship (12 years), but now things are getting ridiculous. Would counselling help? I can't stand the thought of telling a counsellor such intimate stuff!

wishing1 Wed 21-Feb-07 07:10:40

xenabelly:
sex is an important connection in a relationship and my dh knows that if he isn't giving it up then he would lose me, it's part of the committment. We do it about every 3to4 days but when we are on vacation it's alot more! Sometimes I have to push and prod to get it but he never turns me down, which is sweet even if he is exhausted he will manage to finally get it up and give it to me which makes me feel weird. I am 5'6 120lbs. blonde hair blue eyes, big fake boobies, not to brag but hey, it's not about looks at all it's the man and I learned that the hard way with my x who finally went to the doctor and had very low testosterone, ladies...it's not you that is not sexy or unattractive, it is your man..and getting a hard-on when waking up and not giving it to you, I would be furious and finding a fuck buddy on the spot. That's like dangling a steak in front of a starving homeless guy and not letting him have it, honey, it's pure cruel!

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