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which is worse?

(9 Posts)
11112222 Tue 04-Oct-16 08:48:48

Going through dh's text messages, or finding one that is a booking for an erotic massage?

Context - we have not had sex in over a year as I have no libido and it is painful. DH due to medical reasons can't achieve erections, and we kind of gave up. I don't think either of us actually fancies each other anymore. Our marriage kind of hangs on by friendship and bringing up our dc.

tbh, I'm not sure I'm that bothered about this, but just need to 'talk' through this. I don't even know if I should even mention that I know about this.

Happybunny19 Tue 04-Oct-16 09:31:18

If you're not bothered and don't fancy each other any more why don't you discuss him seeing a sex worker and agree it's ok? I assume you want to remain married, but I don't think it's fair to enforce celibacy on someone else and it's obviously bothering him to make the booking.

Do you think you can handle him honestly seeking the one thing you can't / don't want to give him?

Have you both spoken to your gp about these issues and tried to resolve it?

IMO it's worse finding the booking, but under the circumstances you've explained it is understandable.

adora1 Tue 04-Oct-16 10:44:21

Regardless of the state of your marriage and sex life this is out of order, he's effectively gone behind your back and is seeking sex elsewhere, fine, if he had sat you down and you both had agreed this but that is not the case, it's about trust, and he's not showing you that he's worthy.

ageingrunner Tue 04-Oct-16 10:48:03

I wouldn't want to live with someone who thinks it's ok to pay someone for sex. He must have no respect for women at all if he thinks that's ok.

TheNaze73 Tue 04-Oct-16 10:51:59

I think he should have told you first. Paying for it is deplorable. I think this will have to be talked through though, as celibacy in a marriage isn't fair but, likewise nor is using family money, to get one cracked off in a sleazy parlour. Something has to give here

11112222 Tue 04-Oct-16 17:17:19

yes, we have both consulted gp's about our individual problems, and it is just not going to happen.

I guess I was looking through his messages as I secretly expected him to seek intimacy elsewhere, but finding he has actually done it leaves me feeling confused. I don't know whether to admit to knowing, or just let it be. I do not know how many times he's been, I only found 1 message of confirmation.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 04-Oct-16 17:18:54

He is cheating on you.

He has broken his vows.

You need to tell him you know.
Tonight. I

adora1 Tue 04-Oct-16 17:25:32

He's paying for sex and you are ok with that - for me, I would have zero respect for any man who did this, I thought he couldn't get it up, or is he using Viagra with the prostitutes, because OP, that is what they are and this is who he is, to `let it be` would certainly not be my course of action but I guess we are all different and have different levels of what is acceptable, to me, any married man who cheats, whether pre arranged or not is taking the complete piss.

11112222 Tue 04-Oct-16 17:31:42

It wouldn't have been actual intercourse, but I don't dare imagine what did go on….

OK - I am offloading my confused thoughts on here…

But, is it reasonable of me to refuse intimacy because I can't be bothered, and I don't find him attractive?? Where do we go from here? Should we call it a day and divorce? That really scares me.

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